my pick is “santa baby” although “all i want for christmas is you” comes in at a very very close second. cloying cutesy infuriating ARGH especially destroy respective madonna and mariah versions.
“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.”
Ned probably OTM
“santa baby” can be the only answer
I’ve suffered through that one less (I actually only heard it for the first time about five years back).
that paul mccartney one ends up really bugging me after the 50th time hearing it. don’t tell tim.
oh, good call.
the only good christmasy beatles-related song is “listen the snow is falling.”
the beatles fans club songs that they did every year are pretty funny.
I don’t really want to hear “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
slade slade slade slade slade slade DIE
Deck the Halls.
Sorry, I just hate that song.
And whatever song George Strait sings in the little 30-second commercial promoting his new Christmas album. I forget the song (one of the classics, of course), but he just sings it verbatim, over and over. ay yi yi.
“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.”
— Ned Raggett (ne...), December 12th, 2006. (later)
Ned probably OTM
— step hen faps (curtis.stephen...), December 12th, 2006. (later)
Thirded.
Honorable Mention goes to “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, the holiday version of “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”.
Twelve Days of Christmas is loathsome, fortunately I don’t think i’ve ever sat through the whole thing. My tolerance for Christmas music is such that I can’t even think of another song I actively dislike.
There is one version of “Twelve Days” I quite like, Jane Siberry’s on her Child holiday live album, which is a personal favorite of mine through and through. She gets her backing band and singers to help create a really great, ever more complicated arrangement as the song progresses, while the guy doing the five golden rings line is pretty amazing.
Take it back, there’s one other version I like — the Squirrels, in which they sing the lyrics to the music of America’s “A Horse With No Name.” Long story.
Off the top of my head, I actually can’t think of how the Mariah Carey “All I Want For Christmas Is You” goes! At first I thought jbr meant the Carla Thomas song, and I was like BIG WTF.
The Hawaii Calls Orchestra & Chorus—“Numbah One Day Of Christmas” is a pretty enjoyable version of the 12 Days Of Christmas.
I still like the Eartha Kitt version of “Santa Baby.”
O Holy Night
Grandma-reindeer was never a hit over here, it came out on Stiff records but they gave priority to “Stop the cavalry” and rightfully so.
OK, destroy “Fairytale of New York”
The Ronan Keating version, naturally.
Destroy the Pogues version as well—most overrated group/record ever.
Once In Royal David’s City. It just goes on and on and on and you think it’s finished and then it starts up again.
Popwise, yeh Santa Baby is just unsettling, as is I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus.
the new Cliff Richard one. “we’re texting St. Nick our lists using our mobiles” etc.
“Stop the Cavalry”
Mariah’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is grebt!
Destroy: Step Into Christmas.
Destroy destroy destroy the Paul McCartney “simply having a wonderful xmas time” song.
That song can send me into a killing frenzy just in the first few bars.
I once had to work in a call centre where the manager (who was about 16) thought it would be hilarious to play “Stop The Cavalry” on repeat. In June. What made it worse was this little chavvy guy kept encouraging it “It makes me think of all these skinhead guys going YOMP, YOMP! YOMP, YOMP!” was his reason. Stevenage is a weird place.
i like that paul mccartney song. it sounds very ducky.
and the mariah song is the closest thing to good she’s ever done.
The good thing about East 17 is that they kept that ghastly Mariah racket off number one, complete with her stupid video romping around in the snow with a lumberjack dressed as Santa Claus.
All Cliff Richard Xmas-themed hits, surely:
Little Town—Twinkle twinkle little star NOW I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU ARE. Noel Edmonds loved it and thought it would be 1982’s Xmas number one. It peaked at number eleven.
Mistletoe And Wine—Christmas time! Drink driving fine! Children singing gies five Woodbine!
Saviour’s Day—and to think Justify My Love was at number two over Xmas; it’s depressing.
We Should Be Together—“I was ROBBED! All singles above me in the Christmas chart were inferior apart from Queen and Elton/George!”
THE BASTARD MILLENNIUM CUNT PRAYER NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST TEN FUCKING SECONDS AGO
Be thankful you don’t live in Ireland, where that fucking Pogues song is on the radio morning noon and night from the first of December to the end of January. Also we have a fine comedy version of the Twelve Days of Christmas that Frank Kelly recorded in the 1970s and still gets an airing every year. It is awful.
I side with Ned here, though.
I remember the Frank Kelly record very well indeed; it was a hit here in the early ’80s.
It is also in part a ripoff of Bill Barclay’s “Twelve Days Of Christmas” which, if you were growing up in Glasgow throughout the ’70s, was inescapable (Scotland’s Xmas number one in 1974).
Is that the “wee heavy an a half pint” one? My Dad’s been looking for a copy of that for years.
xpost
“You may think there’s no such thing as Santa — but as for me and Grandpa, we believe!!!!!”
i don’t know that grandma one. it sounds horrible though.
what’s with yelling “FOUR COLLIE BIRDS” till you get nodes? who made that up?
Oh wait Bill Barclay was the one I’m thinking of.
xxpost
I’ve actually begun liking “Silver Bells.” Something must be wrong with me.
*goes off to check*
Yes, Frank Kelly’s “Christmas Countdown” charted in ’83, so it was in the charts at the same time as that other seasonal perennial, “What Are We Gonna Get For ‘Er Indoors“ by George Cole and Dennis Waterman.
Actually, thinking about the incrementally unhinged letter-writing structure of “Christmas Countdown,” was it the real inspiration for Eminem’s “Stan”?
OK guys, lunchtime, I’m going to go snow and blow up some bushels of fun.
Ah, now I believe Garry Bushell in the guise of hilarious Oi! band The Gonads put out a Xmas single in the early ’80s—confirmation?
Bollocks to Christmas, various artists (Secret)
Another punk rock Christmas record, this British EP from 1981 features four songs by four different bands, two of which are pop Christmas covers and the other two holiday chestnuts. The 4 Skins hype up Elton John’s “Step Into Christmas” and the Business do a straight cover of Slade’s “Merry Christmas Everybody.” If Irving Berlin thought Elvis ruined “White Christmas,” The Gonads’ version probably helped finish him off for good, and Max Splodge does a nearly incomprehensible “12 Days of Christmas” in which the lyrics are changed to... something else entirely, near as I can tell.
It’s all coming back to me now...
“The Little Saint Nick” I just find the Beach Boys very wrong in general.
Is that the “wee heavy an a half pint” one? My Dad’s been looking for a copy of that for years.
xpost
— Blaze the Violet Flame (gerry.wat...), December 12th, 2006 11:46 AM. (later)
Jasper Carrot.
You ought to hear the Christmas songs they recorded in the ’70s. Possibly the strangest stuff even they ever made (Beach Boys xpost).
I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus is the one that has me wanting to run away. I really dislike White Christmas as well. The slow and cloying Wobs songs are the worst, once you get above a certain tempo all is good.
Can any Americans out there confirm the prominence of Dominic The Italian Christmas Donkey?
mariah’s ‘all i want for christmas is you’ is WONDERFUL, you haterz! it is one of the VERY FEW christmas songs i not only tolerate but actively like.
i was going to destroy that fucking annoying and ubiquitous slade one, the one which goes “so here it is merry xmas, everybody’s having fun” even if NO ONE PATENTLY IS, entirely due to the ENFORCED JOLLITY of that dreadful tune, but k8 reminded me of:
Destroy destroy destroy the Paul McCartney “simply having a wonderful xmas time” song.
and that may be even worse.
no, actually, not worse. DESTROY SLADE.
Apparently The Killers have a song on iTunes called ‘My Big Sled’
die
mariah’s ‘all i want for christmas is you’ is WONDERFUL, you haterz! it is one of the VERY FEW christmas songs i not only tolerate but actively like.
strangely, i am in agreement. perhaps people would like it more if it wasn’t by Carey (i probably would too).
We too discussed Mariah Carey’s version in the pub yesterday but it was a totally pointless discussion because all parties involved in the conversation had already decided years ago that it is marvellous.
ooh, ooh!
Are you anticipating the “Stars in yer eyes” Celeb special where Mark Radcliffe becomes Shane MaGowan, presumably doing “Fairytale”?
Noddy Holder has remarked more than once that “Merry Xmas Everybody” was a direct response to the 1973 of power-cut, three-day-week, recession-hit Britain. The idea was to cheer everybody up (“Look to the future now”).
So it has to be understood in context.
And the lyrics were a good description of the workingman’s christmas.
As opposed to “Chestnuts roasting, vicars calling, etc” blah of xmas fayre.
Funnilly enough, on the great “Lights On” at the Oracle this year, the 210 local DJs played “MerrySlade” and everyone sang, happy.
Then they played “Step into xmas” Elton, everyone stopped and chatted.
They went onto “MerryChristmas Darling” Carpenters, they sstarted to drift.
So played Slade again, they all returned, sang/danced.
So chatted and gave away some freebies and played Slade again.
Then it was time for the fireworks/laser show, so all sighed with relief.
The correct procedure is Slade then Wizzard then Wombles. You can’t fail!
Well, quite.
Whatever you do, don’t try “Frosty The Snowman” as performed by the Cocteau Twins
*whistling tumbleweed*
Santa Baby and All I Want for Christmas is You are close runners up, but if I never had to hear Jingle Bell Rock again in my life I think my blood pressure would become significantly lower.
Most of the songs already mentioned aren’t all *that* bad, they’re just overplayed for a month a year, every single year. The Millennium Prayer hardly gets played at all but it’s my winner by a mile. Hateful song. Although it is technically a NYE song.
Sung to the tune of “How green you are”
All I Want For Christmas Is You is vile, like a barn owl being electrocuted over the theme from Red Dwarf.
Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Dismal
But Mud—Lonely This Christmas, while being depressing is very good.
Much as I love the Beach Boys, their Christmas songs are poor.
I rather like Happy Xmas (War Is Over) almost in spite of itself.
The Mud record would have been very good if Les Gray hadn’t insisted on camping it all up.
Have you heard the Beach Boys Xmas songs from the ’70s, WL?
The mud record was meant as a sarcastic pisstake of Elvis, but got shamed and humbled by lots of sincere people thanking them for their touching thoughts.
Compare with Shakin’ Stevens honest and heartfelt tribute to the King with his 1982 recording of “Blue Christmas,” scandalously kept off the seasonal number one slot by
Renee and Renato.
Noddy Holder has remarked more than once that “Merry Xmas Everybody” was a direct response to the 1973 of power-cut, three-day-week, recession-hit Britain. The idea was to cheer everybody up (“Look to the future now”).
So it has to be understood in context.
this makes it infinitely worse
No, it makes you infinitely worse.
If Dave Hill had been a girl you would have loved it.
Jingle Bell Rock is especially hateful to me because it combines two dark forces—nostalgia and faux-sophisticated “updating” of an older song
Why do shops and radio stations in this country get inundated with the Spector Christmas album when it only ever sold to three winos, a dog and possibly Joe Meek in Britain?
’Santa Baby’ is so definitely the worst, because it’s cloyingly creepy on top of all that overplay and saccharine.
Do people really still, in this day and age, hate the Mariah Carey ‘all i want for christmas is you’? It’s so heartening and hopeful! Though the fucking weird version on her greatest-hits, with Jermaine Dupri and Lil Bow Wow, should be destroyed with maximum prejudice—all the tenderness and excitement has been sucked right out.
the spector christmas album is surely ‘credible’-yet-christmassy! what more could you want for your two pounds in fopp/hmv/virgin/woolies.
Has anyone heard the Dipset Christmas album yet? I haven’t, but it seems like “White Christmas” could have a whole new meaning.
Mariah Carey is heart attack-inducing and hopeless.
I mean talk about FORCED JOLLITY!
Though the fucking weird version on her greatest-hits, with Jermaine Dupri and Lil Bow Wow, should be destroyed with maximum prejudice—all the tenderness and excitement has been sucked right out.
That’s kind of what every guest rap on a love song tends to do.
No, it makes you infinitely worse.
If Dave Hill had been a girl you would have loved it.
it’s one step away from bloody ‘candle in the wind’
to deliberately set out to capture a national mood is the height of coke-addled arrogance (in the bad way). when this is combined with office party style enforced fun the result can only ever be the worst thing ever
yes, isn’t a shame that we can’t just gambol and groove in your ideal tory world of sexgirl fantasy?
That’s kind of what every guest rap on a love song tends to do.
if it were only a guest rap I think I might like it? but she rerecorded her vocals, and they’re nowhere near as good; there’s this tinny beat which in other circumstances would be nineties-jam awesome but here is glaringly out-of-place; these strange gabbled-garbled backing vocals blurt in and blare over everything and are gone as fast as they appeared (and they’re oddly inconsistent, too, in the style of singing they go for); and jermaine dupri’s contribution seems mostly to consist of going ‘uh-huh. baby.’ like he’s channeling puffy in ‘hypnotise’ — and I’m conscious that all of this is making it sound really good, and maybe it could have been, but the alchemy went wrong and instead it’s hateful.
Last Christmas—Wham!
I don’t get this Santa Baby hate, there’s so much worse out there.
Guest raps should be banned (see also: Paris Hilton album).
‘last christmas’ is awesome; i suspect i prefer the whigfield version though
paris barely offends on the guest rap level! best guest rap of recent years = ti on amerie’s ‘touch’ (not a xmas song unfortunately)
Last Christmas is reasonable. The Whigfield version is regrettable.
Guest rappers should be gift-wrapped, Waldo Jeffers-style.
Grandma Got Run Over, fourthed, fifthed, whatever
Yeah, Grandma Got Runover = “HAHAHA IRREVERENCE!”
The Christmas song I like the most is actually that weird Paul McCartney one—it sounds all drugged and sped-up and stressed the way people actually tend to feel at the holidays.
Is this the Frog Chorus one?
The best Christmas song, obviously, is the Dogs Barking Jingle Bells.
worst irony ever
The Paul McCartney one I mean = “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time”—the whole thing sounds like it’s sung through a forced grin, which is what I love about it.
Surely Paul McCartney one = Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time. It’s OK, as these things go. xpost
Destroy = anodyne Ronan Keating version of Fairytale of New York. Surely a front-runner for most pointless thing ever recorded.
You should have seen the video...forced grin heaven!
There is also “Ding Dong” by George Harrison, but do we really want to go there?
Oh God, that one is vile; but to say more would invoke The Tim Ellison Demon.
Hey, look what I’ve found:
OK, there’s a Debenhams advert on the telly just now with a horrific version of Santa Baby, featuring someone saying “DJ Santa on the wheels of steel”. I think that wins now.
I’m pleased no-one’s mentioned easy target ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ by Chris Rea. I heard it at the weekend and was rather touched by the sentiments.
I heart Chris Rea.
There’s a lot of people who drive home for xmas, so hey.
But for heaven’s sake, make sure you don’t drink before you drive!
Remember Stevie Wonder’s warning to us all from Christmas 1984—“Don’t Drive Drunk.”
The great “0 bids at 45p” single on e-bay
motherfuck a “Santa Baby”
I dig the Tom Petty Christmas tune and I kind of don’t mind the Macca one.
Who mentioned Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby”? Utterly listenable!
I kind of can’t stand The Boss’s “Santa Clause Is Coming To Town”. There was a time in my youth I enjoyed it, but somewhere over the past 10 or 15 years something must have happened, because it gives me the cringes to hear now.
Oh no wait, my Destroy choice is “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”.
Which one?
There’s more than one?
As with the Gatlin boys in “Coward Of The Country,” there wuz three of them—the original, Band Aid II and Band Aid 20.
sp: County
You Brits! So wacky!
Have you heard the Beach Boys Xmas songs from the ’70s, WL?
No, I don’t think so. I have the original christmas album, but are they on the recentish one?
the new Cliff Richard one. “we’re texting St. Nick our lists using our mobiles” etc.
OK, stop the presses, I’ve heard this now and we have a winner! “You heathens who microwave popcorn and watch films on DVD and use other new-fangled technology that old cnuts like me can only tangentially understand can understand Christmas too!”
OK, there’s a Debenhams advert on the telly just now with a horrific version of Santa Baby, featuring someone saying “DJ Santa on the wheels of steel”. I think that wins now.
Oh god, you’re so right. Please don’t try to make Santa “cool” and “sexy”. Learn the lesson of Captain Bird’s Eye!
yeah he was cool and sexy enough to start with
Jingle Bell Rock—esp the Spanish version you hear in Chicago...
There is also “Ding Dong” by George Harrison, but do we really want to go there?
— Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...) (webmail), December 12th, 2006 4:20 PM. (nostudium) (link)
Oh God, that one is vile; but to say more would invoke The Tim Ellison Demon.
— Alfred Soto (soto.alfre...) (webmail), December 12th, 2006 4:23 PM.
No, it’s not really that great (tho not “vile”), but “Yesterday, today was tomorrow and tomorrow, today will be yesterday” IS A GREAT FUCKING LYRIC.
since when has speaking the bleeding obvious meant a great lyric?
eartha’s “santa baby” is the only one i like, but usually only about half the time i hear it
even my general xmas-song optimism can’t allow for the wretchedness of TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA, however
“Yesterday, today was tomorrow and tomorrow, today will be yesterday” IS A GREAT FUCKING LYRIC.
— Tim Ellison is number one proponent of Beatle!!!Mania!!! on nu-ILX (timelliso...) (webmail), December 12th, 2006 7:36 PM. (tim ellison) (link)
since when has speaking the bleeding obvious meant a great lyric?
— I am the best lyrocost since Dylan (papiermachealamphibia...) (webmail), December 12th, 2006 7:40 PM.
SINCE I POPPED OUT OF THE WOMB AND POINTED UP WITH MY INDEX FINGER AND SAID, “THE SUN IS IN THE SKY”—THAT’S WHEN. GOT IT NOW?
i didn’t mean 2 hurt u
Uh, probably “Jingle Bell Rock” for me. But my current Christmas beef is with all the recent covers of “River” by Joni Mitchell, which all miss out on the best parts of the song (IMHO): The piano playing and the interpolation of “Jingle Bells” therein.
“The Hannukah Song, Part 2”
“Fairytale in New York” is the only good Christmas song ever.
It’s 12.22 pm, and Fairytale of New York is getting its second outing of the day on the radio. I am feeling ho ho homicidal as a result.
HMV was playing some cover version album, “Last Christmas”, “Feliz Navidad” all metallish.
Any idea who(m) by?
x-post There’s a good version of Jingle Bell Rock on the Fall Peel sessions box, which saves that song from destruction in my book.
Mistletoe & Wine has to be the winner, particularly for Cliff’s dancing when singing, which involves him wildly swinging one of his arms and gesticualting. It brings to mind how I imagine Silvio Berlusconi in his cruise ship crooner days, except INFINITELY WORSE. (rant over).
Yes but that is his dance routine for EVERY record he has ever made! (sort of like Noel Edmonds trapped in a ‘phone booth in the middle of a cyclone)
Very true, and I like your description! I suppose it’s the combination of the sheer horror of the song and his ineffably irritating delivery in combination that makes it the worst. At least the likes of Slade and Wizzard have the good grace to look funny!
Oops, I should read my posts before hitting submit!
Did you see him do “Mistletoe And Wine” on TOTP? Over the tympani roll just before the final chorus he waves his hands in the air and shouts MERRY CHRISTMAS TOP OF THE POPS and my mum said “Merry Christmas, Cliff!” to the screen.
*crawls away to hide my head in familial shame*
Ah, bless!
Aw, Marcello, that’s cute. Your mum hearts Cliff.
Don’t all mums heart Cliff?
the oldies station here insists on playing Village People doing some awful christmas song every morning at 6am to kick off the morning programming...i seriously want to open the car door and roll out onto the highway when i hear it. especially because the morning DJ is this old fart “Uncle” Dale Dorman...i think “Uncle” is slang for im going to touch you funny in the privates.
I want to punch whoever wrote that godawful “Christmas Shoes” song.
Christmas shoes?
You don’t want to know.
Cliff sang a song called “Put On Your Dancing Shoes” which was pretty terrible.
Ok, rather than destroy any one song I’d like to destroy the phenomenon of “arranging” christmas tunes, which means dragging them out to an excruciatingly slow tempo and adding jazzy horn surprises.
Also the phenomenon of singers “interpreting” christmas songs: “Gone a-way-yay eeeiiis the blue-ue-bird, here to stay-ay-ee-yay is...the...new bird”
Stop the cavalry a hundred times.
Also the phenomenon of singers “interpreting” christmas songs: “Gone a-way-yay eeeiiis the blue-ue-bird, here to stay-ay-ee-yay is...the...new bird”
I feel like this about “interpretations” of most standards. Just fucking sing it. I’m looking at you, Krall.
Careful, you might get Elvis Costello posting here again.
destroy em all
my neighbors really love christmas music. it makes me feel like i live across the hall from lingbert.
