if it involves a nun,a vibrating egg,and a velvet butt pillow,I’m in.

My Dad’s jokes are things like “farts are like children, you can just about stand your own”. Do you mean that kind of Dad joke?

Is this one of the things your rellies criticize you for?

“There was this rabbit, see, who lived in the Black Forest...”

(This was my dad’s kind of dad joke.)

My dad makes bad puns but not jokes with like set-up and timing, if you know what I mean. I think the set-up requires too much being under scrutiny from yr audience (I don’t like telling JOEK-jokes, either).

on a number of occasions, despite my obv lack of evident progeny, i have been told “That’s such a Dad joke”.

there are things that are not strictly jokes but, I dunno, witticisms, that a lot of Dads say. Like when I asked my Dad what day it was as a child he might say “Saturday. All day”.

“i see, said the blind man.”

lots of these type things.

“Dad Jokes” are usually groaningly obvious and therefore unfunny puns and the like.

But my dad’s jokes were not like that. His jokes were either of the long, complicated variety requiring funny accents, and possibly even costume changes or strange hats... or else they were utterly killing one-liners, usually under his breath in the manner of Basil Fawlty.

We were at this mad church in... err, Montreal or Quebec or somewhere... and as we were driving away, the holy rollers in the booth are trying to get a donation out of us, and asked “Have you put your contribution in the envelope?”

“Oh yes, we left it in a box in the church” says my dad with a tight grin. They raise the barrier and the car pulls away from the curb. “...clearly marked RUBBISH...”

That’s a dad joke.

one of my Dad’s faves:

“Do you know what the most wonderful place in the world is? it’s a bacon factory. Coz it’s where dead pigs go to be cured!”

Why is there no such a thing as a “mum joke” though, I wonder?

Because “women’s” humor has traditionally been situational, observational, more to do with specific people or specific events? I’ve heard this proposed in an article about the death of the JOEK, altho I don’t have the text anymore. Observational humor doesn’t travel as well outside it’s frame of reference, I think?

“i see, said the blind man.”

This was a paternal fave, as was “Every little bit helps, said the old lady as she peed in the sea.”

not really

yes

doubt it

“as the bishop said to the actress”

actually that’s more of an “nuncle whose not really nuncle” remark.

can you remember what the joke was Resumo (or may I call you Res?)

I’m actually trying to think of an example of my mum’s jokes, and I just can’t. I mean, I’m sure that she has told jokes. It’s not like she doesn’t have a sense of humour. But more often, as I was growing up, she was the butt of my dad’s jokes, the straight man to his surrealism. Maybe this is why I haven’t got a sense of humour.

that’s def not my mum.

she says “I never joke”. And she means it.

you can call me stevem, for i am he

can’t remember the jokes but my 1x chicago friend kept accusing me of dad jokes—possibly just because they were like the jokes her dad would make, according to her.

My mom doesn’t tell jokes so much as just clown around all the time, lots of loud, off key singing, goofy dancing, good-natured teasing, stuff like that.

I am going to email my mum and ask her to tell me a joke. But it will probably be about some obscure point of theology, like how many bishops does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wait! I have remembered one of my mum’s jokes.

i don’t tell jokes, just fuse dry wit, observational quips and improv/theoretical surrealism-based suggestions with mc hammer shit

Mum joke: “you must be very sad now Lindsay’s gone home?? are you going to be crying when we leave the room?”

Dad joke: (when not to do with him having just farted) hard to say...my Dad’s favourite jokes seem to be ones where he winds people up or mocks them. Tho the other day there was a centipede on the kitchen wall, and my mum asked me to get rid of it. And so I got some tissue and threw it in the bin and my Dad was walking in and said

“Ah the poor little thing”.

For some reason I actually split myself laughing at this.

“THE STUPOR BOWL”

“HOPE SPRINGS INFERNAL”

“WHO HAD THE BIGGEST BUTT IN THE BIBLE? MOSES! HE TIED HIS ASS TO A TREE AND WALKED FOR THREE DAYS”

after farting my Dad says “an empty house is better than a bad tenant” without fail.

Or he used to often say, in exasperation at something stupid, “Dick Mackessy wouldn’t do that!” in reference to some guy he grew up with who must have been an unholy retard in the village or something. I swear he’s turned in his grave a few million times.

better out than in!

my Dad’s favourite jokes seem to be ones where he winds people up or mocks them.

arrggh, this is G.‘s favorite thing ever. When I complain about his constant making fun of me he says he’s just “breaking my balls.” broken, I assure you. He’ll be a great dad then.

bah, i wish my dad was humourous

So do we

I don’t mean your dad—I haven’t met him

my mum did tell me about things that she and her cousins and friends said when they were kids that they thought were v funny, but it was almost as if she thought motherhood and humour didn’t mix, or at the very least, the humour should be limited to telling stories abt amusing situations rather than actual jokes.

for e.g. my mum had an Auntie Lal (her real name was Alice but no-one ever used it, I suspect the Lal may have been introdued by a child who couldn’t say ‘Alice’ properly).

Alice’s middle name was Rose. Apparently, my mum and her cosuins used to go round saying “Alice Rose sat on a pin. Alice Rose!”

my mum also had an aunt called Constance Norah (say it quickly).

How many threads is that now?

ban him!

The doorbell rings and my Dad would say “if that’s the Invisible Man, tell him I can’t see him”.

+ anything [else] Eric Morcambe had already said.

ban him!

god if I was banned from the sandbox I’d end up going round walking on air and saying to random strangers “There are some ppl in the world who think I’m really important! There are some ppl in the world who think I’m really important!”

xp Maybe later, I’m tired.

I’ve been also been bad in the past for telling terrible Dad jokes. “We call them little trees” being the worst.

actually i think it may be Abraham.

i have failed you father!

I actually went out with a girl named Kandi when I was in high school. My dad once asked me if I called her candy because she makes my peanut brittle?

Oh mercy.

that is perfect

on the opposite tip i came back home once with hickies all over one side of my neck and tried like hell to make a beeline straight for my bedroom but my dad pulled me up short and is like “whoa, whoa! what happened? did you get hit by some branches?”

Know the difference in an epileptic cornshucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic cornshucker shucks between fits.

Example of my Mam’s type of humour=“If you have to swear to be funny then you’re obviously a cunt.”

dad jokes aren’t only lame but are needless repeated.

Tracer, isn’t it your dad who sees a speeding car and remarks “shoulda left earlier”?

One of my dad’s classic punchlines:

“That’s a knick knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan.”

my dad just isn’t that funny, except in e-mails. he’s too self-conscious about saying anything funny.

My dad has 2 jokes and 1 dance:

“A train’s just been through .... it left its tracks.”

“That’s the most popular cemetery in town .... folks just dying to get in there.”

He swears the dance is the Arthur Murray Swing Step, which apparently is a spastic little shuffle in place while making that tap-dance keep-your-balance arm motion.

My dad’s humor always involves bad puns and/or ironic use of yiddishisms (sometimes in imitation of his father, which makes them slightly funnier with proper context)

my dad prefaces most of his “funny” comments with “y’know, not for nothin’, but...”

two of my dad’s fave dad jokes:

Q: what’s brown and sticky?

A: a stick

Q: what do you do when you see a spaceman?

A: park in it, man!

i have to admit i generally find dad jokes hilarious

My dad likes very long, very elaborate shaggy dog stories with feeble to non-existent punchlines, and he always cracks up with mirth at the end of them. I think he just finds it funny to waste everyone’s time (though the one about an old lady who gets frozen cows to give milk called Thora Hird is pretty good).

“You should go to the North Pole. It’s the ‘coolest’ place in the world!”

I told someone (who is, in fact, a Dad) he was making a Dad joke when he said “I have started to wear my winter coat since it is more important to be warm than to be cool.”

re: dad dance moves — My dad has the one dance move, which is TEH BEST. It involves doing the twist, while pointing his fingers skyward, all the while having a really intense look on his face. I like to do it at bars, as much as possible.

This reminds me of the time that my family met my sister’s in-laws. The dad walks in, shakes my parent’s hands and immediately says ‘the other day in church I heard a great joke.’ He then told some horrendous sexist joke involving Adam and Eve (all I remember is the punchline—“Adam: why did you make Eve so stupid? God: So she could put up with you!”). He used this exact same joke at the wedding. No joke.

(he’s also a used cars salesman)

Another one from my dad:

Meets my girlfriend for the first time and asks what her major in college is. “Women’s Studies” she says. “O rly?” he replies [you can see it coming, can’t you?] “I STUDIED WOMEN IN COLLEGE, TOO!”

My dad’s jokes are usually dry and funny in a complex way. This makes me uncool. Hate me!

It must not be easy being Ben Stiller!

“See that cemetary?”

“yes, Dad!”

“People are dying to get in there!”

see also “that’s the dead centre of town!”

OOps! Jaq’s Dad beat my deceased Dad to the punchline! I thought I would be the only one who suffered with that joke for years—but, NO!

he told an elaborate joke about the “Glasgow Glutton”—but I can’t remember it well enough to repeat it.

I still duck when I go through tunnels—a very Dad thing!

“Duck, or your head will get chopped off!!”

Sorry ailsa as well! I read the thread too quickly, i guess.

Why are you apologising to me—I posted a different joke after you?

Nope. I posted having NOT read the entire thread. And it’s a similar joke.

Do you duck in tunnels?

My Dad had a nasty sense of humor. He liked singing ‘I like those tiny little tea bags—Testes tea!“

I don’t duck in tunnels. I do however pull my shoulders in when going through a narrow space in a car.

Are you trying to get in the trunk?

goimg through a tunnel:

“duck!”

“quack quack!”

driving and passing a street sign, dad reaches across the seat and puts a hand on my forehead:

“what? the sign said ”stop ahead.‘“

dad enters a dark room, flips light on:

“let’s shed some light on the situation.”

my dad also always did that “I see said the blind man” thing, but really his thing is to try to trip you up by telling a ridiculous lie and hoping you’ll fall for it (example—train tracks near our house when i was young meant that a crashed circus train was a supposedly plausible incident and i was to be “on the lookout” for loose lions and tigers etc) i learned quickly to recognize these because he was a shitty liar and always raised his voice a tone and followed every story with “...yeah.!?”

my mum always told a joke about Tarzan, sunglasses and elephants but i’ve forgotten it.

My dad would tell jokes involving obscure points of English literature. I’m trying to remember some of them and can’t.

I’ve done ‘oyaji gag’s.

Sort of a lame Japanese joke where you take the last sound of the last word in a sentence and tack on a totally unrelated word or phrase that starts with that sound.

My dad’s whole sense of humour is summed up by his response to me telling him, aged 9, that I had a new penfriend and that her name was Jane Brown:

‘Oh right, is she foreign or something.’

I didn’t understand sarcasm at that point, but I soon had to learn.

My dad’s favourite joke (can be used whenever discussing, or sittin go on, a sofa):

“Sofa, so good!”

Same thing!

I had tons of trouble trying to come up with an english equivalent.

my dad specialty puns “the lowest form of humor” & obv groaners but his dad was riotously funny w/old school hillbilly & irish joeks

Great Dad joke this evening (ah, the magic of Sunday dinner):

Mam: I was at Frank’s funeral yesterday.

Me: Oh no, did Frank die?

Dad: Well, I hope he did. They buried him.

Most recent dad joke:

Paul McCartney is so rich he bought Heather Mills a plane for her birthday...

And for the other leg a Babyliss Ladyshave (sic).

Yeah.

I’m an old man. A 25 year old old man. These are my favorite jokes to tell....

One of my dad’s classic punchlines:
“That’s a knick knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan.”

thing is, Molly, *that* one is assured a certain immortality as it has found its way onto greetings cards, at least over here, with the added twist that the frog is called Ribbut Jagger and he tells the teller his Dad is Mick Jagger so it’s

“That’s a knick knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade, when a Beatles song would come on the radio, dad would mock my youth and supposed ignorance:

“You mean Paul McCartney was in a group BEFORE WINGS?!!”

that was like ’81 or ’82 era dad “joke.”

but the joke was on him. i was very aware—probably from birth—of the beatles. wings, not so much.

This was my Dad’s favourite joke for a while (naturally, my father is president of the local Rotary):

The Rotary Club asked a minister to come and talk to them about sex. The minister had never talked about sex before an audience and he was embarrassed, so he told his wife he was going to talk about boating. A couple days later, a Rotarian bumped into the minister’s wife and he said, “Your husband gave a wonderful talk at the Rotary Club.” She said, “You know, I’m really surprised. He’s only done it twice. The first time, he was sick. The second time, his hat blew off.”

On dads generally, it took a mother to point out to me how demonised Dads are in mass culture—the dad in a sitcom is always some kind of (at best) well-meaning idiot while the mother is the competent one who holds things together. Me bird reckons that this is an example of patriarchy in action—setting mothers unachievably high goals. I reckon this is a heads-I-win, tales-you-lose argument by whiny feminism—if it were the other way round then people would complain about how mass culture demonised mothers.

I remember one of the first jokes my dad ever told me. It contained a racist term that he had to explain to me, and it still wasn’t that funny.

I don’t know if someone’s done this already, but a very dad thing to do during meal times is, when an apple pie or whatever is placed in the centre of the table, he will pick it up, place it in front of him and say “well, that’s my share—what are you having?”.

haha, DavidM, that’s absolutely one of my dad’s jokes. My brother has inherited it and uses it when my dad’s not there to use it himself.

Mark, my dad tells those jokes in a sort of semi-funny trilogy. One involves a duck buying chapstick on putting it on his “bill”, the aformentioned frog, and a blind man who knocks over shelves with his walking stick because he’s “just looking.” Maybe he just stole his jokes from the English Greeting Card industry!

OR Dad picks up check, feigns shock, drops it in front of offspring, says “Well! I wouldn’t pay that if I were you!”

I don’t know if someone’s done this already, but a very dad thing to do during meal times is, when an apple pie or whatever is placed in the centre of the table, he will pick it up, place it in front of him and say “well, that’s my share—what are you having?”.

— DavidM (goodway...)

i do this one too

I think my mom makes the dad jokes in my family...?! She’s the jolly one, he just likes poor puns and funny observations about people. She’s the one liable to say things like “I see, said the blind man to his deaf wife, who wasn’t really listening anyway” and also to answer any question with “I don’t know, go ask your mother.”

son, i sometimes think you get most of your exercise jumping to conclusions.

“Can we go to [restaurant]?”

“Have you got the money?”

oh zing on your 7 year old. :/

I bet it’s because once you’re raising kids, there’s nobody to tell you you’re not hilarious and your funnybone atrophies due to the lack of criticism.

dad enters a dark room, flips light on:
“let’s shed some light on the situation.”

yes.

dad enters a dark room, flips light on:
“let’s shed some light on the situation.”

that’s not a Dad joke it’s a teacher joke!

there’s nobody to tell you you’re not hilarious and your funnybone atrophies due to the lack of criticism.

I think it’s more because when you’re seven, your dad’s jokes are genuinely funny, and then, when you’re about 25, the endless repetition of them starts to be funny, especially if you’ve moved away from home.

this thread reminds me of the peter kay joke about your dad grabbing hold of you when a police car goes by “i’ve got him”

MarkH since when are students at school at night??

It doesn’t have to be night. It can be a gloomy day. School windows are not the best.

My parents when an ambulance goes past our car at Christmastime:

Mam: That’s somebody’s Christmas ruined.

Dad: But I bet the ambulance driver’s glad of the overtime.

Saying “and lo, there *was* light” when switching on the light..

That’s a ‘daughter’ joke.

xpost “He’ll never ssell any ice creams going at that speed”

That’s an Eric Morecambe joke.

Are lights off by default in British classrooms?? You guys are weird

They are not left on all night, if that’s what you mean. It’s usually the first class in in the morning that gets the benefit of the hilarious light-based gags.

Mum gag, when my wife was struggling to breastfeed my son because he wouldn’t take to it: “Maybe he’s a legs man?”

My favourite Dad gag was “What’s ET short for? Coz he’s only got wee tiny legs!”

He does the “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?” one too often.

OK—maybe it is strange that I am belaboring this point but I am still confused about the sequence of mechanics. First class of day arrives—to DARKENED building! Sloughs off their backpacks, takes their seats—teacher decides to belatedly switch on the lights?

(IME this joke only ever occurs at dusk, when studious kid is doing homework in rapidly failing light and not noticing that the room has become dark—enter dad)

xpost the second on is k-classic; third one I have no idea what the joke is

maybe we’re talking energy conscious schools where lights are turned off in classrooms when nobody is in them ?

“Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

“No yer right, it’s a doughnut”

Doesn’t really work in print (or a meringue = or am I wrang, wrang = wrong in Scottish).

to DARKENED building!

No, to classrooms which have no lights on in them, which are bright enough for people to see by, but perhaps not bright enough for effective studying. Kids file into the classroom but do not turn on the light, because they are kids. Teacher follows them and turns on the light, and makes the hilarious joke.

OK I am mollified.

Kids are chained together, though.

It’s my maternal grandfather who’s the expert on Dad jokes in my family.

Cuts slice of cake. Lifts the big bit onto his plate, leaving the slice behind.

Eats enormous dinner. “Well, that was very nice. What’s for main course?”

Grandad also swapped Nanna’s knife and fork over before each meal for about the first 20 years of their marriage and was known, on occasion, to put mustard on the back of one of the kids’ dessert spoons.

Cuts slice of cake. Lifts the big bit onto his plate, leaving the slice behind.

he actually carried this out in the real world? kudos

Cuts slice of cake. Lifts the big bit onto his plate, leaving the slice behind.

My wife’s uncle does that. His other favourite is giving the kids a yoghurt/mousse/ice-cream pot and a HUGE serving spoon that doesn’t fit in the pot and laughing at them trying to feed themselves. He also has a fake jaffa cake in his biscuit barrel.

He also has a fake jaffa cake in his biscuit barrel.

This is bordering on the practical joke. Which I hate like poison.

The thing is he’s had it FOREVER and no-one is remotely fooled by it.

Oh, he also thinks the “remove your false teeth and freak small children out” thing is hysterical.

Oh god, my grandad used to do that! He would take them halfway out so the gum part of the plate covered his top lip and growl like mad. My granny used to go mad when he did it, because he would make us giddy. He used to do this really loud fake laugh as well, which we all thought was hysterical and she hated.

I miss my grandad so much.

and the stealing yr nose thing too, right?

Takes lid off yoghurt. Sniffs. Announces it smells off, offers it to you to sniff. Shoves yoghurt onto your nose.

“Which would you rather have, this single 50p coin or this giant handful of pennies? GOSH, you are a clever girl.” Wheezy giggle.

(x-p) And the stealing nose thing, yes.

and reading yr fortune too I bet!

*holds yr hand*

“yr going to live a long life and be very rich and buy a big house with a huge garden and in the garden you’ll have a swimming pool”

*spits in hand*

Stealing nose, yes. Fortune telling, no.

Singing old-fashioned tenor-style songs around the house at top volume was another favourite.

oh dear, it seems that half of my humour is dad jokes (with the other half being Simpsons quotes), and I’m only 22. It makes a difference that I know my pointless bad puns are unfunny and that they’re mostly said to annoy others... RIGHT?!

hear they don’t need that chimney any longer? it’s already long enough!

# Waiter lays check on table next to Dad.

# Dad calmly picks check up while making eye contact with family member currently speaking in conversation.

# Dad allows his eyes to go to check.

# Dad comically shudders with eyes bulging and drops check back to table as a result of the “high” monetary amount owned to restaurant.

— PPlains (pleasant.plain...), February 19th, 2007. (PPlains) (later) (link)

Yeah, my dad totally does this all the time. Usually, it’s done as a double take. He looks at the check briefly as he’s getting his wallet out, no reaction, and then his eyes go back to the check in mock-horror.

Eats enormous dinner. “Well, that was very nice. What’s for main course?”

OK. I do this. A lot. Aaargh, I am my dad.

Mine was totally the worst joke on this thread.

my current favorite (dad) joke:

what did the brassiere say to the hat?

you go on ahead, i’ll give these two a lift!

*bow*

My dad makes the same joke about my—in his eyes enormous—amount of books, and especially cd’s. Whenever birthdays come up, at some point he’ll always ask me:

“What about a cd? Do you own one of those? Ahh right, you *do* have a cd already. Shame...”

He came by the other day, I saw him staring at my cd collection, taking good note of it. A a few days later, while on a random topic of messy households (what can I say...), I tell him I really made a lot of room in my house, what with cleaning up and all. He says: “Ahh, you moved your cd somewhere else?” That’s a dad’s joke to me.

Same with books. “A book? You don’t want that! Why would you want a book?! You already have a book!”

(loving this thread btw)

My favourite Dad gag was “What’s ET short for? Coz he’s only got wee tiny legs!”

This one for me, too. I still love it.

Feels wrapped present that’s shaped like a teddy bear/ball/big box etc. “I think it’s an LP!”

Repeated every Christmas for the rest of life.

haha I do that with my kids

Except I say CD or DVD coz they’d be like “What’s an LP you old fart?”

Feels wrapped present that’s shaped like a teddy bear/ball/big box etc. “I think it’s an LP!”

Or, opens tiny corner of wrapping paper, enough to see what the present is, then says “thanks” and puts it aside. Hilarity!

My grandmother does that without joking, Trish! She also gives you back the present you bought her last year.

I had a boss who saved his secret santa presents to give back the following year. I told everyone that if they got him they should buy him a diary.

My grandmother does that without joking, Trish! She also gives you back the present you bought her last year.

I sincerely hope you’ve been giving her the same bottle of Yardley since 1980, in that case.

Someone in our extended family once gave my mother the free gift she got with a Lancome purchase as her Christmas present. How did she think my mother would not suss this?

We got 6 mugs that someone got with petrol tokens as a wedding present.

Any time there’s something on TV about Israeli/Palestine trouble my Dad says “You’ve got to give the Arabs their dues”

...and will the Kurds have their way?

Haha, you’ve reminded me that I’m saving some male grooming freebies to give to my Dad on Fathers’ Day. Maybe I did inherited the stinge from Nanna after all. (x-p)

On Father’s Day the dad joke trend is reversed, because then everyone else gets to say “it’s always bloody father’s day round here.”

my dad only makes really pervy/dirty jokes.

On the topic of lights off in classrooms... does nobody remember overhead projectors?! You had to turn the lights back on after you were done using them!

as mentioned elsewhere, these have in certain circles been rechristened Charlie Gags, for shame.

My mum seems to be responsible for the dad gags in my house. She can’t say the word “lettuce” without following it with the word “pray”. She can’t say the word “beetroot” without affecting a comedy glottal-stopped accent and following it with “from Wai’rose”. I love her for it.

The only joke i can remember my dad saying involves a bad irish accent and the punchline “If i was going there, I wouldn’t be starting here!”