She still got it.

“Consider yourself SO BLOODY DIVORCED!” is a work of art.

Did she really give you £50 out of petty cash? You better pay it back, I don’t want her getting in trouble.

£50 was to get a ‘present’ for a customer who we’re trying to butter up. I promise not to get her in trouble.

Are the inverted commas supposed to insinuate that you bought this customer a 1/4 of weed? Because they do.

No they were fresh out, so I got a crystal meth starter pack instead.

Bargainous.

To me just now (in wheedling voice) : “‘Ave you got me a Christmas pressy yet, sweetie?“

On phone : ”I’ll send me bruvver down, that’s wot I’ll do—‘e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!“

I was thinking about Beryl this morning, wondering what she’d been saying recently.

i’m on Beryl watch today as I’m back in the office now. Watch this space.

Have you got her a Christmas present yet?

No, but I think I should. She deserves something. But what?

copy of 1984

Beryl strikes me as the kind of lady who’d like a nice box of choccies.

Nice one, CJ!!

Choccies—no. She’d like them, but is on a diet.

Earlier (on phone) : “ I wish I ‘ad the TIME to check every hinvoice, pwecious. But I really ‘aven’t. Can it wait until Monday sweetie?“

There was a certain amount of simpering in that last phone call. I think she may have been talking to her fancy man from accounts aka G4reth.

::insert picture of G looking quizzically at phone::

Oh Dr. C. Obviously she’s on a diet. Choccies for christmas, though, are your way of telling her she doesn’t need to be on a diet because you love her the way she is.

Plus, if she’s really on a diet, she’ll open them in the office and you can all scoff them.

“I’ll send me bruvver down, that’s wot I’ll do—‘e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!“

I oughtta smash his face in...Yeah, but he’s bigger than me, innt he. I know, I’ll get my mate Barry to hit him, he’d flatten him.

“I’ll send me bruvver down, that’s wot I’ll do—‘e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!“

HA! she sounds exactly like my friend’s sister-in-law, trish.

“Tina pwecious—can you just run these dahn to the post hoffice, sweetie? I’m pressed for time at the moment darlin’, I really am”

(To me) “Ow’s your bwoken wib, sweetie? Not stoppin’ yer enjoyin’ Christmas is it, darlin’?”

What sort of voice does she have? In my head, she’s become Angie off EastEnders, but I’m guessing it’s rougher than that?

I imagine her as the secretary in Saxondale.

I imagine her voice being a higher-pitched version of Marcia from Spaced.

I like Beryl already and I’ve only known of her existence for five minutes.

I imagine her to be in her 50s, a little on the plump side, about 5ft 2ins tall,, dyed blonde hair piled up on top of her head in an elaborate style, small feet—probably about size 4) with high heeled court shoes, and immaculately-polished fingernails. She brings a shopping bag in to work with her every day, and really likes scarves and Barry Manilow.

I think CJ and I both have the same Beryl Cook impression of Beryl.

The Beryl Files :

Voice : Kira from This Life with a touch of Babs Windsor.

Age : She’s younger than me! No-one knows exactly, but I reckon about 37/38. I’ll ask if I dare.

Hair : dark, dyed sort of browny-aubergine

Miscellaneous : yes, quite plump. Always smart. About 5ft 4 ins. CJ OTM about the shopping bag. Watches a LOT of telly, likes pubs and music. Seems to know quite a lot about reggae and soul and 80’s pop.

(Snippet just overheard) “....The lights are orf and there’s wawtah runnin’ dahn the wall!”

(On phone just now....very loudly) “I’M JUS’ DOIN’ IT NOW, DARLIN’. ALRIGHT?‘!!“

Now I’ve described her you’ve all gone off her, haven’t you?

To the contrary!

Not at all. She should have her own sitcom.

with Fractured playing the theme tune, obv.

Who would play her though?

Kathy Burke?

Kira from This Life!

(I think Mrs Dr C should play her)

Who would play her in the bad American adaptation?

Fran Drescher

Jane Leeves

Kathy Burke is a great suggestion. B’s a bit more glamorous than her though.

Luisa B-W is also possible.

Mrs. Dr. C can do the voice, but otherwise miscast I think.

Perhaps we could have animated Beryl.

it could be kind of The Simpsons meets The Office.

i’ve been imagining her looking like this:

(On-phone, through gritted teeth) “Darlin’, cwedit-hold don’t mean we ain’t shippin’ the order. We just ain’t shippin’ it YET.”

She’s in a better mood this afternoon though :

Just now to colleague—“PAUL! PAUL! Give us a KISS sweetie!”

Just now on phone “Listen darlin’, as Meg Wyan said in When ‘Arry Met Sally.........YES! YES! YES!“

I think several Cinzano and lemonades may have been involved at lunchtime. I daren’t venture near her desk.

Did Beryl have a nice Christmas? Did she get tipsy on New Year’s Eve and kiss a stranger or two?

There’s some interesting Beryl news.

1) She’s had a mystery falling-out with her office ‘best friend’ and they’re really ostentatiously ‘not speaking’.

2) IRL she lives not too far from me, and by chance I met her IN THE PUB over Christmas! She was with her Dad (think Dave from Chas n Dave) and I was with the missus, taking a well-earned break from the ‘festivities’ (i.e hiding from various family members who were hell-bent on setting the world record for longest period being waited on hand-and foot). She was in fine form, but I noticed that she toned down the ‘sweeties’ and ‘pweciouses’ a bit, which really wasn’t necessary.

Beryl’s adoring public demand more Beryl!

There is lots of Beryl to report. I’m not sure I feel up to it today- we’ll see. A cup of tea and a bacon roll might have restorative powers.

ask her about football

we’ll see.

PLEASE!! don’t keep us hanging on like this!

A cup of tea and a bacon roll might have restorative powers.

Will you be having spread on your roll?

On a bacon roll, heavens to betsy that is wrong.

What’s wronger is butter on a bacon roll. How people get that down without gagging I do not know.

But Tracer, the flavour is in the fat.

maybe the flavour is the problem.

Exactly?

xpost butter barely tastes like anything!

I’m thinking about it more and the problem is the temperature. Cold butter does not go next to meat.

It’s funny to think that Beryl is so famous around the world, and yet is completely unaware of it.

Or so she lets us believe...

But it should be the fat from the pan not added fat from butter. The bacon should bring it’s own grease and if not the roll should be dragged around the pan dripping.

fry in butter by all means.

Cold butter does not go next to meat.

This is crazy talk. A baguette with jambon blanc is best with a good thick smear of unsalted butter.

Absolutely OTM.

The butter pretty much should be treated as cheese in that sandwich combination.

butter barely tastes like anything!

waht?

a LITTLE bit of butter in a bacon roll is fine

What Would Beryl Do?

What do we want? Beryl! When do we want her? ‘Old yer ‘orses pwecious, I’m on me lunch bweak

Yeah, stop it with your mentalist bacon roll talk. More Beryl!

This is officially my new favourite thread. Beryl love.

I hope Beryl gets a valentine’s card from someone today.

I hope so too. I will try and find out. I just overheard this :

(Beryl on phone) : “So I sez, fank you for the woses...‘ooever you are!“

What can that mean?

In other Beryl news :

a) The best friend tiff is patched up, I think. I never found out what was going on, but here and best-fwend went on a lunchtime shopping trip on Monday (see c)

b) I haven’t taken her to lunch yet.

c) The shoppin’ twip was to buy a gift for our office colleague, Graham (the recipient of the ‘so bloody divorced’ comment way upthread), who has just announced his engagement to the lovely and mysterious Louise, who no-one has met. Graham sits opposite Beryl and is her long-suffering sparring partner in office banter, albeit a rather gloomy one. They bought champagne, chocs and some SAUCY things. This led to some choice Berylisms e.g. :

” Gwaham -it sez on the packet 20 minutes of pleasure for you and your partner. That’s 18 minutes more than usual, ain’t it sweetie?“

I had a little contretemps with my expenses on Monday :

B (approaching my desk brandishing paperwork) : ” Oi! Wot’s THIS!“

Me : ”My expenses?“

B (patiently) ”Sweetheart, I can’t pay ’em wivaht a VAT receipt, can I pwecious?“

Me : ”Oh go on, you can just sign it off, can’t you“

B ”Larst time I did that Gaweth waised merry ‘ell wiv’ me, sweetie. He was WEALLY cwoss abaht it, darlin!“

Me : Just tell him it’s my fault.

B : ”Seein’ as it’s you, darlin’, I’ll sign it. But DON’T DO IT NO MORE, do you foller me”

Paper woses, paper woses, oh how weal those woses seeeemed to meee....

Beryl updates completely make my day.

Now I’m imagining her as the upstairs landlady in Spaced.

Have the saucy things shocked people? Or maybe the anticipation of Beryl is better than the real thing?

I wasn’t shocked at all. Beryl insinuating that Graham’s capacity for pleasure-giving amounted to TWO MINUTES proved to me beyond any doubt that she is but an innocent in such matters, and she was probably only repeating loose talk she had overheard on the bus, for comic effect. If she really knew about men, she’d have been talking about seconds, not minutes.

:)

Don’t forget she is divorced! Maybe it wasn’t loose talk, but from BITTER EXPERIENCE.

wow. . .I’ve never read this thread before. It is a thing of beauty.

Tracer, I’ve been seeing her as Marsha all along! ‘Arf a bott-uhl of rioja and OOOOOH, the regrets.

Can’t you post a photo of Beryl?

So how was Beryl’s hot date on Valentine’s Day?

Maria, no, it would ruin everything.

Well....

B wasn’t around much yesterday, and I’m not at work today. But we did have a brief conversation :

Beryl (*slightly* suggestively) : “Did you ‘ave a nice Valentines evenin’ eh, darlin’?”

Me : “Not bad, Beryl. Did you erm,....go out or anything”

B : “Noooo, pwecious. Stayed in wiv a tub of ‘aagen-dazs, sweetie“

That made me quite sad. There was no hot date. Poor Beryl.

I won’t post a picture. I don’t think that would be right. All I will say is that you wouldn’t be disappointed—she is utterly perfect and exactly how you would expect.

hook her up with me