I have given these some thought, and I am going with she stopped suddenly and slowly turned in a circle because there may be some demonic possession or witchcraft involved, or at the very least something other than stumbling or being impatient.

will anyone vote for he gave an impatient shrug? seems kinda lazy and barely distinguishable from he shrugged dismissively

he gave an impatient shrug
he lounged casually against a door frame
he shrugged dismissively
she turned away, not waiting for an answer
turning blindly, she stumbled
he leaned back and fit his fingers together
she stopped suddenly and slowly turned in a circle

all the essential plot mechanics of a romance novel in 7 short phrases.

agree that 1 and 3 are redundant—ed.

my favorite part of this book is where there are emotions, and then each chapter has 20–50 weird sentence fragments meant to evoke those emotions

these are the emotions:

happiness/joy

confidence

determination

defiance

surprise

annoyance

irritation

confusion

fear

tension

rage

humiliation

embarrassment

despair

anguish

tears

unhappiness

disappointment

IN THAT ORDER

is horny not an emotion

no, that goes under chapter heading “sex”

subcategories:

desire/attraction

touching, embracing

kisses

lovemaking

THE END

lol

section needed a “bodice-ripping” subcategory

This is based on a writer’s account of how her agent told her to “use more tags! you’ve got to have tags!” which meant that she needed to write with more easily digested recognizable/familiar text clumps, hence the profound organization of this book.

I just opened to a random page and read “she was entranced by the chocolate of his eyes”

This book is so unbelievably lame.

“She was laughing gently”

seems like the real question here is why aren’t you a successful romance writer yet

That’s it. I am going to communicate solely through phrases recommended by this book. “The future looked vague and shadowy.”

I like the fingers fitting together the best, because that could MEAN OH SO MANY THINGS.

i would utterly love to read this book, it sounds amazing.

“He even... *leans* dismissively” <— more of this kind of thing pls

I love any kind of writing that uses that many adverbs.

Is there a chapter on “words you can use instead of said” (she suggested)? I collect flowery words to use instead of “said”. They make me happier than anything else.

(away from my desk currently, but I will check the book on your behalf when I return)

Voted for shrugged dismissively as the least bad, because hey, a dismissive shrug. It is a thing that people do and she manages to describe it fairly succinctly. Would have voted for “she stopped suddenly and slowly turned in a circle” as most ridiculous because I imagine two people walking through the mall or something when one stops suddenly and turns in a circle, forever, while everybody else just stands and stares in awe and terror.

“he leaned back and fit his fingers together” is a close second for worst, because I know what they mean but it just looks so clumsy.

I disliked that one bcuz like “suddenly” and “slowly” are just too jarring in the same sentence let alone physical movement!

turning blindly, she stumbled

this one is great because surely it always results in her being caught in an almost punishing embrace against his capable chest, as whatever misunderstanding has her upset dissolves in the musk of his manly scent

I like that one best for the reasons La Lecherous League gives: it conjures images of possession. “She stopped suddenly and her head slowly turned in a circle, ejecting bilious masses of pea green vomit from its howling mouth.”

xpost, I mean “she stopped suddenly”, obviously.

The image of Mr. Right sitting there trying to work out how his fingers fit together makes me laugh irl. “This one goes in here? No that’s my eye. OW!”

i enjoy lounging casually against doorframes, i feel like im in an old magazine advertisement

“he leaned back and fit his fingers together” ftw. it evokes a visual image with healthy dose of imprecision, so what should be easy to visualize recedes into vagueness.

Q: Is there a chapter on “words you can use instead of said” (she suggested)? I collect flowery words to use instead of “said”.

A: “Pensively, she looked out into the darkness. The question intrigued her. Opening her eyes, she came back to reality.” The answer is, sadly, no.

But if you want an entire section on how to describe eyebrows, this book has you covered. Also, “negative expressions”:

“he was a glum-faced man”

“a satanic smile spread across his thin lips”

“she forced a demure smile”

Eyebrows! Eyebrows! OMG tell me how to describe eyebrows! Evil? Unruly Cornish eyebrows smelling of the sea? I need to know.

Also would totally read Cis’s and Emil.y’s romance possessions based on text samplea. I wish we could each write a chapter of a romance novel based on these instructions, like recording an ILX album but in cheesy novel format instead!

re “said”

One of the wonderful things about “Jilted John” was the way he avoids over-using “said”, like we all got told by our english teachers during ‘composition’ lessons..

Who’s this bloke I asked her

Goooooordon, she replied

Not THAT puff, I said dismayed

Yes but he’s no puff she cried

LOLing p hard at:

“This one goes in here? No that’s my eye. OW!”

and

Unruly Cornish eyebrows smelling of the sea?

* his brow pulled into an affronted frown

* her eyebrows rose in amazement

* his brows set in a straight line

* raising fine, arched eyebrows, she protested

* the dark eyebrows slanted into a frown

(note: i love how some entries are for her, some are for him, and then there are “the brows” which apparently act of their own accord and are not attached to a face?)

I would think it would be singular. The Brow. All those Victorian poems about weeping and putting hand to tortured Brow.

It’s funny how boy brows all go down and girl brows all go up. Slanted. Set. Pulled. Boy brows are active little buggers, aren’t they, while ladybrows are all arching and rising, like the lark.

his brow pulled into an affronted frown

what in the shit

i was stuck on the satanic smile from upthread for a while but that one

“she was shocked when his eyes suddenly filled with fierce sparkling”

“wave after wave of shock slapped at her”

(these are both from the very she-dominated Emotions —> subheading surprise chapter)

haha ok there is just something hilariously and deeply wrong with the wave after wave one

this book is magical and i need to find and own it

“he gave her a sidelong glance of utter disbelief”

What is fierce sparkling? And can I get a handbag covered in it? Or a drink made of it?

The shock thing is overdone. I don’t want waves after wave of anything slapping at me. Except maybe orgasms. Or actual Cornish waves. Mmmm, Cornish waves.

this is reminding me of “english as she is spoke” but in this book someone mistranslates english phrases into terrible other english phrases

This reminds me of the all-girl FAP we had at the Foundry, where we sat in that weird bank manager’s vault and took turns reading out loud from a selection of terrible romance novels. That was the ~best~

especially that creepy one where the dude gave her an orgasm *while she was in labour with his baby* o_0

I presume that a fierce sparkling is first cousin to a hard glittery edge, in re: eyes.

“she wanted to hurt him and make him want her at the same time” is filed under Emotions —> confusion

also

“all of her loneliness and confusion welded together in one upsurge of devouring yearning”

also

“he stared at her, baffled”

“she was shocked when his eyes suddenly filled with fierce sparkling”

This is really in the book.

xp oh my lord

“one upsurge of devouring yearning”

OMG I am having a massive upsurge of devouring yearning for the last chocolate rolls in the fridge! om nom nom.

sounds to me like after the spinning around, there was indeed some sort of demonic possession that resulted in her somehow expelling a confusing white-hot fireball of...? that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of.

it could not be easier to create stories around these convenient stock phrases!

All of these are really in the book.

this is what happens when i try to throw books away fyi

Possibly the most disturbing thing about all this is the many Amazon reviews describing how useful the book is for any budding romance novelist...

“the undeniable and dreadful facts”

(from Miscellaneous —> Thoughts, Realizations, Understanding)

along with “there was no room for romance in her busy schedule”

This book makes perfect sense to me. In the future, I predict that romance novels will be written entirely by software.

“A cynical inner voice cut through her thoughts. A thought froze in her brain. On safer ground, she paused to reflect a moment. She had known of the strong passion within her. Opening her eyes, she came back to reality. There was no room for romance in her busy schedule.”

(all of the above sentences were filed under “Miscellaneous”)

A cynical inner voice cut through her frozen THOTS like a hot knife through butter?

Am I doing this right?

(I’ve just realised that I love this language so much because it is, really, so much the language of bad slash.)

The first phrase in the book is “her hose felt like sheaths of clammy cloth on her exceptionally pretty legs”

The last phrase in the book is “her mind was filled with sour thoughts”

I think the rest is just connect the dots.

i think if you printed a bunch of these in different fonts and colors and sizes and then put them together as a story and pasted them on a wall or board or s.thing and hung it itd be a cool piece of art esp if the strung together sentences also made a face or picture or s.thing

sheaths of clammy cloth.

Just...

sheaths of clammy cloth. It is a delight to say. It rolls so wonderfully off the tongue, like a single malt scotch whisky.

I have given these some thought, and I am going with she stopped suddenly and slowly turned in a circle because there may be some demonic possession or witchcraft involved, or at the very least something other than stumbling or being impatient.

― league of women voters, Tuesday, December 27, 2011 5:07 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Permalink

yah I voted this one as it intrigued me cause something unnatural is clearly happening

i think if you printed a bunch of these in different fonts and colors and sizes and then put them together as a story and pasted them on a wall or board or s.thing and hung it itd be a cool piece of art esp if the strung together sentences also made a face or picture or s.thing

“With a deliberately casual movement, she turned and faced him. She swiveled slowly, her delight growing. He hunched over, his arms resting on his thighs. He spread his hands regretfully and shrugged.”

how about if i arrange the phrases around the two little flowers at the center of this picture

(those are all unpolled options of Turns, Shrugs, and Leaning btw)

ok, let me try again.

what about if i use pictures from the marshall cavendish encyclopedia of the human mind and body?

i have issue 79 right here, and it contains a long story about 10 year old girl Alison and her physical and mental growth as well as an article about poisons, and another one about prostitution. There is a picture of a sebaceous cyst on someone’s scalp on the back cover. The whole thing is pretty gnarly.

Ha ha, I missed this one. Yes, I fully support this art project!

Sort of like this, but with different words and I don’t have to actually CUT UP THE BOOK like I used to

I think that would actually be awesome.

(I like the cut-up look, but that book sounds too precious to destroy)

i just found some more seriously lol entries

* his bulbous nose dominated his meaty features

* he had acquired a polished veneer

* his fat face melted into a buttery smile

Ewwwwwwwww

“she gave a choked, desperate laugh”

Ewwwwwwwww

― Illia Rump (emil.y), Friday, December 30, 2011 9:10 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Permalink

“she gave a choked, desperate laugh”

― league of women voters, Friday, December 30, 2011 9:14 PM (30 seconds ago) Bookmark Permalink

I love how well these posts go together ;-)

HIS FAT FACE MELTED INTO A BUTTERY SMILE OM NOM NOM

* he had acquired a polished veneer

She stopped suddenly and slowly turned in a circle, her face melting into butter.

A polished veneer of butter?

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

“His gaze was riveted on her face, then moved over her body slowly”—I don’t know about your workmanship quality, but I expect that when something is riveted, it doesn’t move, slowly or otherwise!

Soft gazes, drillbit gazes that bore into you, riveting you like plate metal... what else do gazes do?

This is such a goldmine.

“he scanned her critically and beamed approval”

He was so disturbing to her in every way. Hahahaha

Automatic thread bump. This poll’s results are now in.

I have given these some thought, and I am going with she stopped suddenly and slowly turned in a circle because there may be some demonic possession or witchcraft involved, or at the very least something other than stumbling or being impatient.

― league of women voters, Tuesday, 27 December 2011 22:07 (5 days ago) Permalink

will anyone vote for he gave an impatient shrug? seems kinda lazy and barely distinguishable from he shrugged dismissively

― league of women voters, Tuesday, 27 December 2011 22:12 (5 days ago)

i guess we could have stopped right here

WINNER

A: NO

his gaze fell to the creamy expanse of her neck

creamy and clotted

like sour milk risen to the top

of a bulging glass

with fat thighs

there was a tingling in the pit of her stomach

deeper, too

her intestines

oh shit

the intestinal parisites were rebelling

he gave her body a raking glance

a shoveling grimace

and a chainsawing slap across the ass

something intense flared through his enchantment

hemorrhoids.