(the very first time I heard this song I didn’t know English as goodly yet as I does now and I thought the lyrics were “no darks are chasm”)

hm, i had a friend who thought it was “thought’s a chasm”.

no dry wit? :-(

(can’t think of any myself either, unfortunately)

My brothers went to a Christian Brothers school, and once, when one of them said he had left his book at home, the brother said “at home. Well, you might as well put it in a glass case and throw sugar at it.”

My favourite painting teacher always used to make with the Dad Jokes like “I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw” and “time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana!” He was great.

my maths teacher to boys who played the goat in class: “you think you’re a wit but you’re only half right.”

What is playing the goat? I don’t know that expression.

Misbehaving, pretty much.

Were it not for the fact that parody threads are a pox upon all that is good and holy I’d be tempted to start one about sarcasm in unlamented tv serial Poldark.

you might as well put it in a glass case and throw sugar at it

I wish I could replace Leo’s “chop me up & feed me to the poo-ah” line in The Departed with this!!

my maths teacher also used to make a lot of dad-puns! even when they weren’t really warranted, he would shoe-horn them in. stuff like “tennis balls: they’ve been round for years”.

he had a pretty great pythagoras joke too but i can’t remember it now :(

chop me up & feed me to the poo-ah

I was hearing this in my head Mark E. Smith style and feared.

My AP History teacher:

[sees a student in a Suicide Machines t-shirt]

Mr. M: “Suicide Machines, eh?”

Student: “Yeah.”

Mr. M: “What’s that? A mirror in Cheektowaga?”

[Cheektowaga was the neighboring town where some of the students lived. This town has lots of pink flamingos.]

In college I was trying to salvage some partial credit for a wrong answer on a math test (a possibility because I showed the steps getting to the answer), so I started “While it’s not strictly true...” and he immediately breaks in with “So it’s strictly false.”

And in high school one of my teachers did the “When you assume you make an ASS of U and ME” bit, with full blackboard accompaniment, so we would get it.

One of my professors tends to throw out random pieces of information about Central Asia by introducing them as good pickup lines.

A guy in my employee benefits classes was advocating an employment policy of firing anybody with state IV as the only way to stay in business/continue to provide benefits for the rest of the employees (until they need them anyway), and he summed up his horrible suggestion with, “I know it sounds heartless...” and my professor deadpanned, “Yes. Yes it does.”

That’s not very funny now that I think about it.

Aaaaand it’s really ruined by my having typed “state IV” instead of “stage IV cancer.”

I’m going to go jump in front of a bus.

that story reminds me why i hated law school so much.

we made this young sub cry really hard in 7th grade history because we all dogpiled on her telling her that her sweater wasn’t real angora. “yes it is!!” the class: “uh huh.. whatever” over and over. so great.

We had one guy who was pretty witty...and also pretty cutting. I remember once this guy made some crack about him being bald and he just paused and said “well John...if I weren’t a teacher in this scenario, it would be appropriate for me to make a retort about........FAT....SMELLY.....FUCKERS.....” cue mass laughter “but of course as a teacher I can’t make such remarks”.

Making young sub teachers cry is one of the most horrible things kids can do, and don’t they know it.

Oh, they know it alright.

Surely the lyric should’ve been ‘no sarcasm in the dark classrom’ based on accentmonkey’s anecdotes of yesterday.

*whilst reading to class*

pupil: where are we?

miss f1tzp4trick (curtly): we are in L13 (the name of the classroom)

pupil: fucking hell!

mr wr1ght our CDT teacher: no, only in heaven....

I remember in nighs school me and friend used to constantly chatter during math class, and one time the teacher just shouted at her: “Jenna! Your life is short!” Another time he threw a chalk at me, but missed, and managed to hit the pupil next to me.

Mr Shackleton: “Look, anyone who doesn’t want to learn, just get out”.

Followed by every student in the class standing up and heading for the exit.

Another teacher used to say, when pupils were getting out of the classroom, “Ladies first... And better people after them.” She was woman, so we took that as irony.

She was woman,

did you hear her roar?!?

I had a high school teacher who got annoyed with our class not paying enough attention and once informed us, “I can only cut off my arms so many times to keep your attention.”

More recently (last night!), my physiology prof, upon being asked several questions that were basically, “does this ever happen?” told us that, “it’s like I tell my 4 and a half year old, ‘everything always happens.’”

my favourite was Mr Wilde “I’ll throw you out that window, I’ve done it before you know I’ll do it again!”