Sandbox Romants: Wooing and Problems

Met a few friends at the bar who were there for a mini-reunion of their fellow drama nerds. Erin told me I should hit on one who'd gone to school with me (Meagan), but I thought she was doing her usual encourage-me-to-hit-on-everyone thing, so I hung out for a bit and then encouraged my friends to relocate to a less-depressing (non-karaoke) spot. And as I'm paying out my tab, Meagan taps me on the shoulder and we start talking and flirting for quite a while - all the while my friends are out of her line of sight giving me shit, and then decide to remind me that we'd all agreed to leave. I didn't even think to get her number, I was so distracted by them making asses of themselves, but we're Facebook friends now at least.

At the other bar I was the object of much scorn for cockblocking myself by not immediately talking to her when told to.

EEIS - Still waiting on her visit, can't come soon enough.
There's no certainty that we'll be able to be together after a year, either. It's all very much up in the air. I just know that she's exactly what I am looking for. Rather, the feeling I have when I am with her is what I am looking for. She had a bad year (finance-wise) where she is right now. That seems like a good sign that we may be able to somehow relocate someplace together once the opportunity arises. No way to know for sure.

This sort of thing comes in waves, huh? After seeming tentative about it before, my long-distance work crush has apparently made some time for me to visit in a couple of months. Trouble is even if anything comes of it, she has no idea where she'll land, work-wise, and neither do I. :(

So the beautiful girl mentioned on NY Eve thread has finally replied, which resolves some of the angst but the content of the reply is not exactly what I would like. Beggars can't be choosers?

Anyway, to provide slightly more context (and before I start this might sound like bragging but for tmi reasons, it's very much not) I did actually go home with this girl, and she is a whole lot more than just beautiful, and we got on really well and everything I learned about her between midnight and 9am on Friday wowed the fuck out of me. I'm aware that can still only be so much and I'm sure she's not perfect and I also know better than to pedestalise her. (She also has the same name as my recently deceased cat. Is that weird?)

Still, in her reply she says that her picking me up in the bar and taking me home was out of character because of a recently(ish) ended ltr and she doesn't think it's a good idea to start dating again - in my message I had asked her if she would like to go on a proper date. Given that she mentioned she has dated since the end of that relationship this may well be her letting me down easy in a respectful way but I understand that hadn't gone well and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know I should probably, respectfully, just let it go but is there alternate option or opinion out there?

No-one I live with is up to discuss this with, so ilx, please do yer worst.

are there other options btwn 'start properly dating' and 'never seeing each other again' iyho

She isn't explicitly offering any but I'd certainly take them if there were. Not sure if I should suggest the hanging out and getting to know each other as friends with clear, delineated boundaries etc, if that's even a real thing, if it is how I'd go about mentioning it and if doing so would just be opening myself up to more potential angst.

Haven't actually been angsty like I was earlier for years. it's shit.

i was probably thinking more along the lines of friends with possible view to dating, tbh- i'd agree that a clearly staked-out 'just friends' option wouldn't be likely to help you with the girl problem tbph.

kind of 'start not-properly dating' or s/t

Do people do that? Is it something someone who doesn't want to date might be receptive to w/ someone who has clearly expressed a desire to date? (tbqh I'd probably be willing to skip the dating bit entirely but I'm an idiot like that)

well, i mean if she doesn't want to 'date' then how might she feel about you two just seeing each other

this is the problem with ppl letting ppl down gently, ime- if she's not interested romantically you'd be a sight better off knowing that, possibly in writing so's you could remind yrself in moments of weakness.

i dunno what you mean by skipping the dating bit but if you're thinkin about proposing my advice is to leave it just yet

Yeah, not quite. I may live two minutes from LJ but we haven't hung out enough for him to have influenced me that much. That says she does own a lovely flat in a very convenient location...

I guess I just take the chance? Totally agree about the letting down gently thing btw. You never really know someone well enough to be sure that's not what they're doing.

Neither one of us is around for the next couple of weeks - she to Burma, me skiing - so could just fizzle out anyway by the time we can see each other anyway. Hope not though.

i dunno, but, it seems to me that if you've already hooked up sexually, esp. as strangers, then it's kinda like the theory about the development of nuclear weapons re: warfare -- there's no going back to a pre-nuke world

ugh burma and skiing ffs why don't you just get richard curtis to direct you into each others arms after 90 minutes of lukewarm angst

not much in my court to report on. after the near miss relationship with my friend and subsequent drifting last May, I haven't really met anybody. That and my social anxiety, which comes and goes, hit me full force for about the last four months, where I am now at the point that I have difficulty even making eye contact with people, even friends and family.

I'm optimistic though. These things in my life have a way of finding me when I'm not really looking for them or don't expect them. It would be nice though if the next person I meet is in the same place I am--seems like anytime I'm looking for a serious relationship, the people I meet aren't, or vice versa (see my last girlfriend, who broke up with me, then got upset that I wasn't "upset enough" after the breakup).

Also hate to throw this into the theory, but alcohol has been involved in the genesis of every one of my relationships. Not being drunk, but enough to break down my walls long enough to actually connect with someone. Ever since I've cut back on drinking, I've had to find other ways of getting centered!

The other night I talked to a friend who I thought blew me off last summer, and it turns out he was having minor personal ish and knew he was messing up and has felt bad about it since. I got a full apology and he asked my permission to call me again sometime. Vindication is sweet!

^_^