stuff like this:
Ha ha! WHEE! Let me tell you about a GOOD old time I had last night!
Drinking vodka always sounds like a good idea, so away I went as the R-rated film Games Girls Play made its titillating way across my computer monitor. Hours later, we were at the local Arriba Arriba Mexican Restaurant enjoying some Paella Crepe and Salmom when suddenly the mixture of alcohol, unemployment and unpaid back wages sloshed my brain into an unrecognizable state of despair and self-pity. As usual, out came the suicidal threats. Oh! how the wife does love those drunken suicidal threats. So her three sheets to the wind RAGE rose, and some mean-spirited yelling at me occurred. As we left the restaurant, I hailed the cab, let her in first, then threw in my keys and wallet, closed the door, and walked off towards the East River to drown my sorrows in waves of Death. Next thing you know, she's chasing after me and some nicer things were said and she convinced me to come home with her and everything was just dandy, UNTIL......
When we arrived at our homeside destination, the taxi driver requested his payment, as they do. I slurred to wife, "You have my wallet." She screamed back, "NO I DON'T!" Me: "You lost my wallet?" HER: "YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME!" Me: "I threw it right next to the keys!" Her: "I DIDN'T SEE IT!" Me: (*gets out of the car; walks off towards the East River to drown my breathing in waves of water*). Her (to cabbie): "THANKS ASSHOLE! YOU JUST KILLED MY HUSBAND!"
Next thing you know, nobody's chasing after me and I'm just a few yards from the East River when I realize, "Holy Christ it's cold out here." It was like 2 degrees and I wasn't wearing my scarf. I guess the gusty winds of time (and wind) served to sober me up a bit because suddenly the idea of plunging my already cold body into an even colder body (of water) seemed like a flagrantly foul idea. So I walked home, humiliated and chilly.
But wait! There's much much more! I finally got home to my apartment building, rang the bell, got buzzed in by the wife and - because I felt so stupid - sat at the bottom of the five-flight stairway to my aptment for about five minutes. Finally I worked up the whatever to face the piper, trudged upstairs, walked in to the chipper sounds of my wife drunkenly saying, "I'm so glad you're home!" And HERE'S where a bit of common sense on my part would've saved me a whole lotta achin'.
I began yelling at her for losing my wallet. Next thing you know, she's BEATING THE HELL OUT OF ME and screaming that I'm not a man and she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. These are always great experiences for a drunken husband so I of course felt like even more of a failure and cried even more. Finally I got sick of her angry abuse, slapped her hard across the face, held her down and told her I was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore. Then I went in the other room and cancelled my credit and debit card. Poor Henry The Dog was so frightened by the whole experience, he kept running up and down the stairs all nervously. When I finally went to bed, he snuggled up to me though, like a good boy. Granted, he had terrible gas all night, but come on it's the thought.
Morning came and the wife was still pissed at me. She didn't finally warm up until I told her that I don't want to drink anymore. Then I looked in the mirror and saw that she'd given me a huge red bruise on my right eyelid, which seemed to support my decision. Alcohol and unemployment just aren't mixing for me this time. If I ever get another job, I'll start drinking again but for now it hardly seems worth the risk of ending my marriage!
And wouldn't you know it: the cabbie turned my wallet in to a Bronx police precinct! All the money was apparently still in there too, although the Bronx precinct where I picked up the wallet informed me that I'd have to pick up the money at a DIFFERENT precinct next week. Not sure what that bit of red tape was all about but whatever.
The bottom line is that marriages can be difficult because life can be difficult. She can't understand how I could let myself get $9,000 in the hole with my boss, but quite frankly I only found out about it by ACCIDENT and at that point she'd owed me $13,500!
I actually talked to my ex-boss today, btw. She says that I have one check coming in the mail this week, and then a final check from Payroll coming at the end of the month. I also had a consultation with a lawyer today, just in case she once again doesn't come through. I'll keep you posted!
― ...or fold laundry? (J0n Arbuckle), Wednesday, 28 December 2011 18:51 (twelve years ago) link
is that a review of a yo la tengo album
― iatee, Wednesday, 28 December 2011 18:53 (twelve years ago) link
it was on his mission of burma page but i dont think its there anymore
― ...or fold laundry? (J0n Arbuckle), Wednesday, 28 December 2011 18:54 (twelve years ago) link
this one too:
Last night was a real dozer. You should have been here. You'd have been all like, "Dude, stop screaming at your wife at the top of your lungs. It's like 11:30 at night." And then you'd have been all like, "Dude, stop sawing across your throat with that sharp knife." Then you'd have totally been like, "Dude, your wife is beating the hell out of you because you're having a nervous breakdown." Then you'd have been like, "Dude, your wife called your parents and now your mom is on the phone crying and you're still screaming your lungs out that your wife is trying to kill you." Then you'd have gone, "Dude, your nose is bleeding all over the place. And don't step on that glass that fell and broke on the floor when your wife slammed the cabinet drawer to stop you from taking out another knife. And your wife wants to take you to the hospital to be put on suicide watch, but you just keep screaming." That's what you would have done. Hell, if it were up to YOUR ass, I wouldn't have woken up this morning with a busted nose, black eye, fat lip, huge bloody gashes across my neck and what appears to be a bruised bitemark on my shoulder. And I'll have you know that NONE of the wild swings I took at my wife connected, though I did get my hands around her throat and strangle her for a few seconds at one point. The bottom line is that I thought my marriage was coming to an end, and when you have half a bottle of Ketel One in your tummy, that's tough to deal with. But alas, things are better today and my marriage appears all the stronger for its wear. Starlog Diary Entry 05.25.04 - Beam Me Up, Captain Funny-Ears!
― ...or fold laundry? (J0n Arbuckle), Wednesday, 28 December 2011 18:55 (twelve years ago) link
This seemed inevitable from the last time I visited his site about a year or so ago. Good to see him getting his life in order.
― musicfanatic, Wednesday, 28 December 2011 22:44 (twelve years ago) link
Arbuckle otm though, up until all that shit started popping up on his Facebook I thought it was all part of his "thing".
― shakur rump (I left my login in El Sandboxo), Wednesday, 28 December 2011 22:45 (twelve years ago) link
right, the whole "I spend way too much time on this" was pretty confusing given that most of his recent reviews (like, last 2 years) have been pretty half-assed and tend to talk more about his dog than the music, which I think explains why he had to take it upon himself to quit
that said I'm sure the site will still get occassional updates. if he's really as OCD as he appears to be he's not just going to let the Fall continue to pump out albums, unreviewed
― ...or fold laundry? (J0n Arbuckle), Thursday, 29 December 2011 18:29 (twelve years ago) link
I haven't looked at his reviews in years but I used to love him. that shit is intense. glad to hear he is doing better.
― akm, Thursday, 29 December 2011 18:56 (twelve years ago) link
I loved his reviews, he was one of the first reviewers I ever really read. I even sent in for his band's music, the Low Maintenance Perennials. Really great psychedelic lofi pop stuff, there!
― Emperor Cos Dashit, Sunday, 1 January 2012 18:58 (twelve years ago) link
loved his reviews. granted I often came out of them learning more about him than teh record he was reviewing, but it was pure entertainment. i didn't go there for the reviews...I went for the LOLZ.
― if you ain't gonna wash it, i ain't gonna eat it, Sunday, 1 January 2012 19:32 (twelve years ago) link
the thing about his wife just leaving him was a bit of a shocker.
Really. That stuff reads like High Fidelity crossed with La Maman et la Putain
― I'm in the sandbox with the tombstone HOOS (James Redd), Sunday, 1 January 2012 22:06 (twelve years ago) link