Sandbox Romants: Wooing and Problems

dammit xpost!

lol

why can't it be easy though? or at least, shouldn't people really be looking for someone they can communicate with easily? obviously it's not easy with everyone.

They probably should.

i feel like it is v difficult to communicate honestly even with yourself, though!

it's pretty easy to tell yourself you're not doing something wrong when you actually are, and would recognise it if you wanted to see it.

What people think they want, and what they actually want are often quite different - and its sometimes only an event or occurrence that exposes the discrepancy between the two

i have a lot of friends who have started open relationships and ended with separating. i know that it is not a universal, but in my observed experience "open relationships" are always a code for one person wanting permission from the other to do cheating, and the other person agreeing to a theoretical possibility

Girl I used to see has been finding a lot of reasons to hang out, gotten really involved with me at the occupation here, been going out and having drinks and winding up embracing half asleep on her couch a few times.

A few months back she mentioned she was "kind of seeing somebody," but after that initial mention I never heard of the guy again. Suddenly Sunday (at this) the guy shows up with her. He shows up a lot at camp over the last couple of days. He's as handsy on her as...well, as handsy as I've been the last few weeks. The kinds of things that she and I had been doing as a pair have now been happening, all this week, as a trio.

This is this the "ok i totally forgot i'm kinda dating this guy, can we just be friends" moment, isn't it?

oh the "this" was www.wired.com/threatlevel/2011/12/occupy-dc-barn/

see imo that's not nice behaviour

wanted to say that NV's post yesterday about love as a moment outside social-economic structures was beautiful, & that he might have a look at Bertrand Russell's searching 1929 monograph Marriage and Morals, wherein similar thoughts are pursued.

thank you :)

and any excuse to read Russell is a good one

so wait does anyone want any dating advice?

lol

BIG PICTURE

> i've noticed a trend among my aging friends who have been in relationships for awhile toward "opening up" relationships or exploring other kinds of arrangements and i wonder if this works. like if the concept of cheating becomes acceptable when it's demystified and in the open. i've never actually been in a relationship like this so i have no idea how it would work for me.....

― bene_gesserit, Thursday, December 8, 2011 11:06 AM

> in my observed experience "open relationships" are always a code for one person wanting permission from the other to do cheating, and the other person agreeing to a theoretical possibility

― remy bean in exile, Thursday, December 8, 2011 11:59 AM

That's what people who have never been in an open relationship think an open relationship is. Many who want into this arrangement want to hold onto their significant other while still being able to see other people (and it's not "cheating" when it's mutually agreed upon rather than clandestine). But in actuality, I get more out of allowing my partner that freedom than having it for myself, for the reasons I stated earlier - allowing your mate to see others is the ultimate conveyance of trust and confidence. Not allowing her out of my sight to me feels like i'm treating my gf like a dog that has to be kept on a leash, lest she run away. I'd rather do the opposite, take off the leash and let her know in no uncertain terms that I trust her not to run away for good.

I've told every woman I've ever dated that if she ever found someone she liked better than me, to go ahead and follow her heart. Leaving *would* hurt me, but true, deep love to me meant putting her dreams ahead of my wishes. If that was the guy that did it for her, by all means I wanted her to take up with him, not pretend she liked me better and be resentful for the rest of her life whilst forever dreaming of what may have been. I can't stand the thought she wants to be with another but can't because of me, that I'm keeping her from being with the man she is pining for. What I've learned is that this strenghens the bond between us rather than threatening it, as it builds an incredible sense of trust between us that no vow of monogamy, much less marriage, ever could do. I don't want to stay together because we have to, I want the only thing keeping us together is that we want to be and that we've built something together that is expodentially greater than what either of us could be alone, and that we couldn't recreate that with anyone else but each other. Really, it works.

And if this seems like something you would never try yourself, consider what I've unexpectedly discovered: - when you give someone else this breadth of freedom in a relationship, they almost never take advantage of it.

nah

I think they can work, it just takes a lot of trust and communication and people in general aren't very good at the latter one, so most of the time monogamy is just simpler.

Also most people into polyamory are kinda ugly.

Why I that??! I've always wondered.

also monogamy is just simpler

lol

I have a theory that they never got laid enough or enough attention as an adolescent because of said ugliness, and are now making up for it and then some.

Remember how all the kids in marching band used to pork each other? Same thing.

I love you.

fwiw, to me "cheating" is defined by not owning your actions, but concealing them from the person you are "cheating" on. Sure, by owning up to your actions, you may be destroying your relationship with the person you are revealing them to, but to my way of thinking you'd better be fully prepared for that destruction before you decide to jeopardize it in that way. Then, at least, it might be ugly, or stupid, or callous, but it isn't "cheating".

xpost looooooool

I dunno, I'd be fine with my SO porking someone else once in a while. I'd rather it was a group activity, though.

What, Homo II, how do teens who are too ugly to find sexual partners suddenly become attractive enough in their 20s to find lots of them?

Remember how all the kids in marching band used to pork each other? Same thing.

hahahaha

Because the ugly people find each other, via polyamorous mixers, Fetlife, etc., and all fuck each other

what's Fetlife?

http://www.bankaim.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Metlife-Bank-logo.gif

so it's a furry thing?

TLO ROLL CALL

that's the dorky anime fan club rap, right?

Fetlife is a fetish/kink-centric social networking website.

does it have a brony contingent?

I've never heard of Fetlife, I'm not kinky, I don't consider myself polyamorous, I've never played in a marching band (they don't have guitars or keyboards), and I'd like to think I'm not ugly (i've posted my pic here before).

under what name?

Lee597 or whatever number it was. Same display name as I'm using now.

unless I'm really lj

Oh! You're the Leeeeee from Z's thread? Really interested in IUI or a different

person? Still confusing!

No that's Leee not Lee! Different person, but yeah you've got the right guy now.

You have a hat!

It's a toque!

BTW I'm dying to know how her pregnancy is working out. Z, come on in, the sand is fine!

Ohhhhh. You didn't see that update before ILX went down?

I am sure there are some fans of Brony on Fetlife. There's a pretty wide range of people on there. It varies from the sorta kinky S&M-centric to some really dark shit that I try to stay away from.

Thanks to ILX, i'm learning to speak British and Canadian!

No - what did I miss? I'm afraid bad news from the way you put it.

Yes, sad news, but that was some weeks ago now and I'm sure zora has dealt/is dealing w it. Wish her all wonderful things in the meantime.