Sandbox Romants: Wooing and Problems

just realised i'm quite comfortable judging the student cunts next door who couldn't give a fuck about anybody living nearby who might have jobs or sleeping children or just not enjoy the sound of bellowing twats at 3 in the morning

hooray for sparks of humanity

within our own personal boundaries we're all nimby tory landowners

nah it's the inconsiderateness that rankles tbh, i can sleep thru owt

but to avoid derailing, i think partly what i was thinking in the first place was as banal as "i would be very uncomfortable judging what goes on between other people with the obvious exception of abuse etc."

either that or my brain is ready to go lie down

i find that going over and politely but firmly executing them the first night is the best policy

have toyed with petrol thru letterbox but this is a poor tactic when you live in a terrace

re judging- it's mathematical though, the importance of yr opinion/judgementalism is inversely proportional to yr distance from the matter- so why bother moderating it, as long as it's irrelevant (and more often than not internal, as we said)

yeah we made that very joke about my neighbours last year on some thread re:firing them out

for me, the point isn't that a person changes or boundaries or whatever - it's just honesty and ... plain old courtesy, i guess? like, you might commit to a monogamous relationship w/someone and then meet someone you want to pursue in some way etc., the black/white for me is that you would talk to your partner first, have some kind of honest discussion, not just go off and do whatever you feel like doing.

that's plain enough!

But the dishonesty is in committing in the first place, then, iykwim?

ZS if you haven't had it already i think you are due for a massive bender

i've been on three-fifth of a bender for the past week or so (2 weeks?), staying up til 3am every night drinking by myself, miraculously slogging my way through work the next day, doing a shitty job at everything, enduring loud and revolting stomach cacophonies. i probably need to just go ahead and step shit up all the way, hit rock bottom and bounce back up extra hard.

also, and here's where a bunch of you will probably vehemently disagree with me, but all my ex did was kiss a dude. she apparently flirted with him all night at a party and then had a big kiss outside, probably while robins and butterflies flew around their heads whistling love songs and forming hearts and shit. in the bounds of our relationship of 7+ years, this definitely constituted "cheating". and for sure, if i ever would have flirted with a girl all night at a party, let alone kissed her or got it on as "all night long" blasted on the speakers, i seriously think she would have responded violently and probably broken my nose or something. but yeah, i'm sure to others the fact that she kissed someone wouldn't be a big deal.

was there tongue?

like was it _frenching_ ?

i guess the gray area for you is the amount of tongue action!

i don't know. i wasn't there. it happened in NYC (i live in DC) at a party i was conspicuously not invited to attend

was it as probing as a sarahel volley of questions?

lol,yeah. it was a kiss,the amount of tongue is irrelevant.

lol - i forget where the "frenching" joke came from - i just remember it being hilarious on some other thread.

:)

but yeah, i'm sure to others the fact that she kissed someone wouldn't be a big deal.

When my most recent ex and I had a falling out that led to our breakup this is exactly what he did as well - made out with some chick who he'd been hanging out with/talking to a lot more than I'd been comfy with (and I am NOT a jealous person). I'm not gonna lie - I was fucking PISSED and upset but I didnt dump him for it, I tried to get him not to let it lead him further away from me :(

... didnt work.

I have to admit I don't get the "kissing is cheating" thing. Really, my gf could smooch whoever she wants and it wouldn't bother me at all. If anything, it offers a chance to show I'm not jealous or insecure abour our relationship.

I've never got the jealousy thing, myself, but I've never been cheated on so my perspective is a little warped.

yeah Z i can completely understand your being hurt and feeling badly used and feeling that you can't be with somebody who does that to you. last night i was just pondering that zone in me that isn't there, and it's been a source of contention with people who i've been involved with in the past, feeling slighted that i wasn't jealous enough or something

I may well be the least jealous person walking the planet. If I'm away for the weekend and my gf told me she wants to chill with another guy for the night, even a guy I know she's been crushing out on, I'd tell her "go ahead, and have a great time!". And I'd mean it. It can feel scary at first, but there's something very powerful about sending out such an unambiguous signal that I'm so completely secure in the strength of our relationship that I'm not even slightly afraid she'll leave me for someone else.

lj has two logins?

i've had the whole "you're not jealous enough" thing, not expressly said but it was there, however i wouldn't want a gf kissing someone else, not at all! it's not about not being jealous, it's just...why?

I'm not lj, just an incredible simulation

"He's not lj, he's a very naughty boy!"

also, and here's where a bunch of you will probably vehemently disagree with me....

...this definitely constituted "cheating".

You don't need to justify this - "the bunch of you" don't get to define what constitutes cheating in your relationship anymore than a bunch of people with no coats on get to define whether I'm feeling cold or not

i'm glad someone picked him up on that, absolutely otm

april otm

> "the bunch of you" don't get to define what constitutes cheating in your relationship anymore than a bunch of people with no coats on get to define whether I'm feeling cold or not

My last few posts notwithstanding, I agree with this too. One of the great things about being a couple is that you make your own rules as to what is or isn't acceptable to the two of you. I'm well aware I fall near the extreme end of the leniency spectrum here.

lol
i love that dion quote, when asked about his marriage or something he loved about his wife: "she has an incredibly high tolerance for unacceptable behaviour"

celine's husband?

No, although he must have an incredibly high tolerance for unacceptable singing....

celine dion's husband, dion

dion dion?

who can forget the chorus of dion's first million selling single

dion dion?
Jilted John
and Marsha!
MarkG~
oo la
showaddywaddy

i've noticed a trend among my aging friends who have been in relationships for awhile toward "opening up" relationships or exploring other kinds of arrangements and i wonder if this works. like if the concept of cheating becomes acceptable when it's demystified and in the open. i've never actually been in a relationship like this so i have no idea how it would work for me, but i have been able to, say, date someone casually who was also dating other people casually and not be bothered or jealous as long as they were upfront about it. it's always been the deception that irked me most, and not the sex itself.

and i've also seen friends with those types of arrangements have their relationships torn apart when their is an infidelity outside of the rules that have been set up, which suggests the same thing.

i wonder if good relationships are just as simple as having perfect open communication.

Because communication is so simple and easy ;-)

"as simple as"

dammit xpost!

lol

why can't it be easy though? or at least, shouldn't people really be looking for someone they can communicate with easily? obviously it's not easy with everyone.

They probably should.

i feel like it is v difficult to communicate honestly even with yourself, though!

it's pretty easy to tell yourself you're not doing something wrong when you actually are, and would recognise it if you wanted to see it.

What people think they want, and what they actually want are often quite different - and its sometimes only an event or occurrence that exposes the discrepancy between the two

i have a lot of friends who have started open relationships and ended with separating. i know that it is not a universal, but in my observed experience "open relationships" are always a code for one person wanting permission from the other to do cheating, and the other person agreeing to a theoretical possibility