Sandbox Romants: Wooing and Problems

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remy otm - the second factor not wanting to come across as creepy or douchey is a strong influence

The Love Song of L. Alfred Sotosyn (dayo), Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:44 (twelve years ago) link

statutory makeout xps

mookieproof, Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:44 (twelve years ago) link

you're arrested...for the crime of being fine

The Love Song of L. Alfred Sotosyn (dayo), Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:45 (twelve years ago) link

I feel like maybe the best way to meet new girls at this point in my life is to buy a leather jacket and wayfarers and stand on a street corner and smoke

hmm

The Love Song of L. Alfred Sotosyn (dayo), Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:46 (twelve years ago) link

he told all his friends he kissed a grownup imo

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:47 (twelve years ago) link

lol tbf he was 18 and not 15 or something

We were friends after that for a couple years but in a sibling sorta way. He did say that my studio apartment was so "adult punk rock". Oh Alex.

ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ (~curious orange~), Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:50 (twelve years ago) link

wow this thread blew up.

ZS if you haven't had it already i think you are due for a massive bender that involves smashing beer bottles at some point (preferably against some rocks/not on people). you deserve to be angrier!

bene_gesserit, Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:54 (twelve years ago) link

(i always offer to go down to the docks and chuck rocks into the water with heartbroken friends. that helps too and is slightly less destructive.)

bene_gesserit, Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:55 (twelve years ago) link

awwww

ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ (~curious orange~), Thursday, 8 December 2011 00:59 (twelve years ago) link

throw beer bottles at sailors, win win

Never translate German (schlump), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:01 (twelve years ago) link

i don't think it'll ever be in me to have a rigid morality of relationships, not that i'm criticising you guys that do but it's been a unpredictable sea of grey to me for most of my adult life

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:04 (twelve years ago) link

i don't think it'll ever be in me to have a rigid morality of relationships

not in a global sense, sure, but I think it's vitally important w/in your actual relationship to know what, for you (& partner(s)) is absolutely okay and absolutely not

remy bean in exile, Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:13 (twelve years ago) link

not universal rules, tbh, just on a relationship by relationship basis ito 'here's how this'll work for us' iykwim

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:13 (twelve years ago) link

hmmm i am perhaps not best placed to talk about this right now, and i guess i'm musing out loud. and yeah honesty is important sure but

i dunno how to explain...perhaps to say that the worst thing a partner cd do to me wd be a long way from a sexual infidelity...and that something about "no grey areas" always makes me antsy?

not willing that as a universal law or anything. contracts weird me out a bit i think.

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:18 (twelve years ago) link

like i shd probly get to the bottom of this unsettlement at some time in my life ho ho

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:19 (twelve years ago) link

yeah this. "cheating" feels like an odd word seeing as it is mostly game related and then the whole "where is this relationship going?" 5-year plan stuff. all odd legalistic things - at least linguistically - that rub up wrong against some kind of "free meeting of hearts and minds" crap in my head. i think i might equate rules with death somehow tho

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:24 (twelve years ago) link

i mean that form is a joke but it has some kind of truth about the potential for commodification of relationships (broadest sense) in it

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:25 (twelve years ago) link

perfectly aware that these are not popular or possibly sensible concerns here

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:26 (twelve years ago) link

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Aimless, Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:27 (twelve years ago) link

those kind of questions, generally, are odd to me i think. and sort of presumptuous and sort of grave-tempting and sort of mildly saddening

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:31 (twelve years ago) link

tbh i feel the same about "what do you want for your tea tonight?" too

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:32 (twelve years ago) link

i don't think those ideas are as uncommon as you're painting, julie, tho i've seen you express the gist of them before and maybe they're more front and centre for you i dunno. But the idea/worry that 'let's not tie our future selves down' isn't unique in itself

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:40 (twelve years ago) link

tho many ppl offset those concerns against desperation and fear of dying alone/a virgin y'know the usual stuff

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:42 (twelve years ago) link

yeah but it's something slightly other than that. lots of people of course don't want to "settle" but it isn't an endless shopping spree i'm entertaining here, nor really a beatnik "don't change me". which is why i'm no good at putting this into words really, these are feelings in my gut or my head or both. quite possibly some kind of super-solipsism, but it's easy to write off other's experiences (and yr own) in that way.

realism says that so much of the language of our relationships is socio-economic because that's the world we inhabit and that's okay because you can't not inhabit that world but something else that people sometimes vaguely suggest or guess at wants love - or whatever - to be some moment outside of moments? outside of the whole sordid business of being entities within a historical, social moment - or the opposite, maybe - to be so wired into the world that social structures shatter or evaporate, temporarily, somehow

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:48 (twelve years ago) link

tbrr a good part of our aversion (not strong, tbh) to getting married is a kind of 'things change ppl change and forever is a mighty long time for two ppl to be throwing expensive promises at', which may or may not be a similar type of sentiment? But it comes, i kinda hope on my good days, from a place of trust in each other that doesn't feel the need to lock anything down 'while it's going well'. I realise these may not, as you say, be the normal angles of approach.

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:49 (twelve years ago) link

xp crushing the butterfly under the cartwheel, kind of thing? I kinda see it, but don't want to presume to really get where you're at either.

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:52 (twelve years ago) link

think overthinking is a bad idea in a lot of scenarios tbh, and silence is undervalued which is rich coming from an internet gobshite

i am increasingly incapable of really feeling judgements about behaviour tho, except a sadness or slightly frightened empathy. i keep asking myself what does approval or disapproval do?

this isn't especially autobiographical re: recent events btw, or very very tangentially if so

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:53 (twelve years ago) link

can say with some measure of certainty that the odds of me meeting a co-ghost at some point in the future look fucken slim tho :)

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:54 (twelve years ago) link

oh yeah, i don't *feel* judgement except in terms of its delicious internal effect on myself, which tbf is all any of us can vouch for ito emotion anyway right

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:55 (twelve years ago) link

lol i dunno what was in those bath salts but it's good stuff

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:56 (twelve years ago) link

lol

i like the idea of a delicious internal effect. actually sometimes judgement feels pleasant when there's a group of you in agreement round a bar that something is a terrible thing

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:58 (twelve years ago) link

Well, I'm not a moral relativist in much of anything – least of all a relationship - but I do believe that there are situational considerations that might exempt certain activities from scrutiny, provided both parties were consenting adults.

remy bean in exile, Thursday, 8 December 2011 01:59 (twelve years ago) link

who are you tellin i'm irish ffs

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:00 (twelve years ago) link

xp to nv that is

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:00 (twelve years ago) link

communal negative judgement is a basic social bedrock but that may be another thread

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:02 (twelve years ago) link

i'm not really a relativist i think i'm an abolitionist at this stage.

i think one time i signed up for a set of ideas that seemed rational and necessary and realistic but i think maybe they won't work for me so now i'll have to inhabit some strange near-vacuum elsewhere and see how that works out

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:04 (twelve years ago) link

yeah a lot of the evolutionary psychology guys are big on the idea of morality as group protection mechanism. feel like it cheapens morality and cavemen tbh

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:04 (twelve years ago) link

i feel evo psych people cheapen science, and i condemn them and judge them negatively

remy bean in exile, Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:05 (twelve years ago) link

can i get a whut whut

remy bean in exile, Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:05 (twelve years ago) link

well sure, we all *like* to think we're above our hard-wiring.......

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:07 (twelve years ago) link

just realised i'm quite comfortable judging the student cunts next door who couldn't give a fuck about anybody living nearby who might have jobs or sleeping children or just not enjoy the sound of bellowing twats at 3 in the morning

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:08 (twelve years ago) link

hooray for sparks of humanity

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:08 (twelve years ago) link

within our own personal boundaries we're all nimby tory landowners

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:13 (twelve years ago) link

nah it's the inconsiderateness that rankles tbh, i can sleep thru owt

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:14 (twelve years ago) link

but to avoid derailing, i think partly what i was thinking in the first place was as banal as "i would be very uncomfortable judging what goes on between other people with the obvious exception of abuse etc."

either that or my brain is ready to go lie down

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:16 (twelve years ago) link

i find that going over and politely but firmly executing them the first night is the best policy

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:16 (twelve years ago) link

have toyed with petrol thru letterbox but this is a poor tactic when you live in a terrace

Maybe Bartering Will Help (Julie Lagger), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:18 (twelve years ago) link

re judging- it's mathematical though, the importance of yr opinion/judgementalism is inversely proportional to yr distance from the matter- so why bother moderating it, as long as it's irrelevant (and more often than not internal, as we said)

bloating forecast: ruff swells (p much resigned to deems), Thursday, 8 December 2011 02:18 (twelve years ago) link


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