Sandbox Romants: Wooing and Problems

or going and meeting the cute, available friends she has primed with stories of your awesomeness (xp)

heh, well remy's scenario sounds great, but only if she ever thought it was a date. i think it's more likely that early on she was like "well shit, he thinks this is a date but for me it's just networking"

NETWORKING or NOTWORKING

crucial Q

Or KNOTWORKING

NUTWORKING

NAUGHTWORKING

Wait wait wait the ex cheated on you and then had the audacity to be all accusatory about you moving on too quickly?

yes.

october 2011 was just a swell month all around

Is it just me, or is this new news? Idr this info either.

Yeah I think zs might have been too much of a gentleman to include that little detail earlier. Fyi I retract any sympathy I had for your ex.

i think i left it out, i dunno. now i wish this thread was de-indexed! definitely not trying to mudsling or anything

Well for the record, you left it out until it was so far in the past that you actually forgot you'd left it out, and that's saying something.

p sure this thread is already de-indexed?

also, some mud deserves to be slung

I'm sure a mod wouldn't mind de indexing this thread

Also: it is not mudslinging to admit that someone you love did something pretty awful and hurt you

Mookie otm

it's deindexed now.

So, wait fooled around on you and then dumped you and has the nerve to say you're mvoing on too fast? Were it I, I would thank her for helping me move on so fast and remind her that I couldn't possibly care less what she thought. Good day, Madam!

When you're with someone for as long as ZS and she were it's not always that black & white, or at least it doesn't always seem like it is.

In other words, having that attitude is often easier said than done at least ime.

Fair enough. I still think that after you dump someone, opining on their love life is probably not terribly wise.

yeah. i mean, i think part of the reason i didn't mention the cheating and all of that is i was still slightly in shock and denial. also, during the breakup night she seemed eager for me to agree that this was "mutual". and she sort of had a point - we had problems going back years that were seemingly unresolveable (not a word), and it's true that there were times in the months leading up to it where i had contemplated breaking up myself (though not cheating of course). so yes, i agreed that it was a mutual thing and because of that i kind of pushed the incident out of mind, water under the bridge and all of that.

the worst, though, was when she accused me of dating some girl and lying about it (this was the facebook image incident where i was in the background of a photo with an attractive girl and it ended up getting published in various places and she saw it), and refused to believe that i never dated the girl or kissed her or anything. in fact, i'm not sure that girl is into men or women or people in general, in terms of romants. but anyway, she refused to believe me, and instead left me a scathing series of text messages along the lines of "this is how you get me back, you fucker? you had to get even so you had to go out and etc etc etc"

Hmmm. OK, that's p nuts sounding.

and it's like, YOU CHEATED ON ME AND DUMPED ME, FOR REAL. I WAS IN A PHOTO WITH A PRETTY GIRL 2 WEEKS LATER AND THAT'S IT. WE ARE NOT IN A COMPETITION, BUT IF WE WERE, WE WOULD NOT BE EVEN.

True.

That sounds legitimately unhinged!

also, (last thing i'll say on this, promise) in searching for an ancient Skype password the other day in gmail, i accidentally ran into a string of emails from 3 years ago where she accused me of cheating on her while I was in India and Thailand for a 3-week trip for a class I was taking. totally false, of course, but it was so ironic to read through these dense paragraphs of accusations from the past knowing the end of the story.

she "refused to believe" you because she feels guilty (as well she should) and would like desperately for things to be "even" responsibility-wise

eff that noise tho

Is your ex prone to projection?

sounds like she has self-esteem issues. i'm reticent to accuse people of being "un-hinged" or "crazy" when they act like that in regards to an ex- or a current partner. i think it's contextual -- unhealthy relationships make people crazy. i don't think they are inherently crazy.

everyone is, surely!

</projection> xp

she "refused to believe" you because she feels guilty (as well she should) and would like desperately for things to be "even" responsibility-wise

yeah, i was talking to a friend as the angry text messages were rolling in, and he basically made the same case. convincingly.

Is your ex prone to projection?

that's a good question. i had never really noticed it in her before. this was kind of an extreme situation, emotionally, for both of us. it think it drew things out of her that weren't normally evident.

Sarahel otm. I specifically said "nuts" instead of "crazy" even though it's the same thing because of that reason. I'm pretty sure most have us have done things that could be considered "crazy" because of a relationship at one point or another. Emotions/relationships are hard and people are complicated. I get pretty annoyed when people draw hard lines in issues of romance/partnerships about things that are really subjective, complicated, and relationship-specific. For the record, I am not excusing her or anyone's actions nor am I saying ZS doesn't have a right to be angry about this. It just irks me how quick ppl are to pass p harsh and swift judgement on ppl even when I realize that they're probably doing so to be supportive of their friend.

I also realize "nuts" isn't any better but I couldn't think of any other word in that moment and it seemed a better choice than "crazy" somehow.

quick ppl are to pass p harsh and swift judgement on ppl

If anything I am projecting, myself.

cashews

It just irks me how quick ppl are to pass p harsh and swift judgement on ppl even when I realize that they're probably doing so to be supportive of their friend.

totally - and i feel like the key thing to focus on is the motivation for the judgment - that people are trying to be supportive.

Oh M, I didn't mean you! I was just meant generally speaking and was mostly thinking out loud. I should have just said OTM and left it at that.

No - I think you elaborated really well!

how quick ppl are to pass p harsh and swift judgement on ppl

wish we could sb them too

lol

I'm not a hanging judge and I fancy myself pretty circumspect, I just thought that what with ZS being newly back in the game, she should probably leave him be for awhile and not make it about her. PPl fail, ppl cheat, shit happens and I'm not privy to the dets enough to offer much more than sympathy but telling your ex they're moving on too fast speaks to a massive and unwelcome ego imo.

I dunno if I don't disagree with you, E.

Yeah, in a relationship things aren't black-and-white for those ivolvec and at the end of (or throughout) a relationship you're not gonna be in a place where you judge- or want to judge- your partner's behaviour. Most ppl have been there and understand that, the scaled eyes and the whatnot.

But, from the neutral (or ZS-friendly, indeed) perspective I think it's fair to say 'nah that's bullshit behaviour' when there is clearly bullshit behaviour, y'know?

i lost my sought-for jerry springer tone at the end there somewhat

Darragh, I don't think you were actually disagreeing with me at all. I guess I just have to remind myself that ppl are looking out for the person involved and that's what matters most despite the fact that there are often reasons and complications for the bullshit behavior of the other person involved that might not be considered.

maybe i wasnt but i was judging u anyway

I am very mean & judgemental tbf

I don't think there is much gray in the cheating dept: did you sleep with someone else? Did you have an agreement with your partner to be monogamous? If you answer yes to both those questions, then you cheated, you betrayed your partner. All the context in the world won't change those facts, including but not limited to: I was drunk; we were going through a rough patch, we were ” practically” broken up, we ” eventually” broke up anyway, my partner is a terrible person, my partner doesn't treat me right.

I might feel more compassion for the cheater in some contexts over others, but probably only if the cheater is my friend.

I wasn't really talking about that in particular tbh and wouldn't necessarily agree with what you said there either.

lol I meant disagree, not agree

goddamn it e stand yr ground and FIGHT US