Sandbox Romants: Wooing and Problems

i have to plan my whole weekend around hanging out with him and he cancels and it's not cool.

That is not cool at all.

yeah. i usually have a hardline stance about people respecting my time. it's hard because this guy is kinda totally dreamy but i'm not going to make an exception.

wise. dreamy guys can get spoiled by how they're fawned over.

dreamy guys are socialized to never accept a "no"

that's kinda otm

femsplaining ^

fuck that person who won't respect your time, bene_gesserit

^^ unfortunate undercurrent of ambiguity there

lol

p.s. sarah i didn't think you were really femsplaining, or that femsplaining is a thing, just made me laugh.

I told Ms. 1000 miles away that I want what we've got. And I really do.
When we are together we just talk and talk and talk until we stop talking.
Stop talking for hours.
I've just never had it this bad for someone so far away.
Well, she wrote back and that was great, even though she didn't really reply to my "statement." She has explained that her feelings for me are a tangled mess (hardly surprising as I told her a few months ago that it was all too difficult for me and I want to start dating locally which led to the terrible experience I previously mentioned). She says that's rare for her, she's usually better at reading her emotions on a subject.

I don't know...the whole thing screams "Impossible!" and my only thought is "I want you."

Also, good on you, Z_!

I'd say, if the status quo of being 1000 miles apart is 'impossible', then that's what has to change. There's nothing literally 'impossible' about relocating to be with one another, but it does throw a huge, complex mutual decision right into your path early on that you can't get around without a MAJOR (mutual) committment to solve it.

If that kind of committment proves to be impossible at this stage, then that's the rock where the relationship wrecks. Otherwise, you've got a fighting chance.

(/ms lonelyhearts)

I'm committed to my current location for one more year, for sure. I work full time at a University and I am finishing a Master's in December 2012. She's also steadfast. If I date people locally and all I can do is compare them to her, makes me feel like I am fucking up royally.

yeah i mean, that kind of dedication seems like it's getting moored on a tiny little iceberg like 1000 miles. that's like middle of nebraska to middle of ohio -- not really that far by us flyover country standards!

one year is not forever

1000 miles is nothing, try > 4000.

or alternatively, don't try it, it's harsh.

altho i could move/she could move, and we'll talk about it when we see each other later this month. we've not seen each other since september :/

it's not impossible if you make it a priority. imo anyone in that situation needs to figure how much of a priority a relationship/this relationship is: i don't think it's the same for everyone, and there's nothing wrong with that. is your job, where you live, your social group, etc., more of a priority than pursuing a relationship with this lady? i think either answer to this question is perfectly fine, but i don't think you can move on till you figure it out.

xps

also to bene gesserit: i don't necessarily ~believe~ this but one thing that might have happened is that he took your txt msg about "guess you're not that into me" as being pass-agg - I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS just that he might have interpreted it that way, and that's why he hasn't replied. but then his unexplained flakiness is pretty pass-agg so he's hardly one to judge.

My job and my degree are the most important thing to me right now. I could give a toss about my social group or the community I live in at this point. Beginning to come around to the "willing to wait" point of view. I am ultimately looking for someone to potentially share my life with and she is the best candidate for that, by far.

ok i just got back from a meeting and there are 12(!!!) texts from this person!! i will update after i get through them all.

Hey kids, remember not to develop a serious crush on someone you work w/ on a daily basis, esp. if they live over 1000 miles away. Because that would be fucking stupid.

― Simon H., Thursday, 1 December 2011 15:10 (6 hours ago) Bookmark Permalink

Yeah, 'cause crushes are so rational...

― M. White, Thursday, 1 December 2011 15:12 (6 hours ago) Bookmark Permalink

I was actually talking about myself! I didn't realize someone else on the thread was having this same issue. Sorry for the accidental (apparent) snark.

None taken and I was perhaps a bit snarky myself. I just meant that, well, crushes are often not so rational. Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of one? You can avoid the crushee and whatnot but the douleur exquise persists.

Yeah this is only semi-rational. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to even do the avoiding part, really.

ok i just got back from a meeting and there are 12(!!!) texts from this person!! i will update after i get through them all.

i'm going to assume that these texts vindicate my initial gut reaction (based off of almost zero evidence, and pretty much a guess, essentially) that the dude actually likes you, and is maybe not so good at noticing that his changing of plans and sporadic communication can be interpreted in many ways other than what he intended.

either that, or these 12 texts will indicate that he's a total psychopath!

*popcorn.gif*

b_g, the thing is that you are also totally dreamy and unless he is blind and stupid he must have noticed that? So ZS probably otm, but on the off chance that he IS blind and stupid, let's you and me make plans for a crafty crafts date instead, because we won't cancel on each other.

this thread is heating up!

b_g, the thing is that you are also totally dreamy and unless he is blind and stupid he must have noticed that?

otm

So ZS probably otm

yep, probably otm, otm

but on the off chance that he IS blind and stupid, let's you and me make plans for a crafty crafts date instead, because we won't cancel on each other.

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqIlnF2zjz8

well, it was all really sweet and sincere (i teared up a little?)
here is a quote since i can't "it breaks my heart a little for you to think i would be the kind of person to just phase you out. that's a horrible thing to do to a person and that has been done to me before. i wouldn't dream of putting anyone through it, especially someone i really really like"

and he is just busy working on his kickstarter campaign or something.

now i feel like a jerk for over-reacting.

but laurel i am still down for a dreamy craft date this weekend with a dreamboat like yourself!

that's so great, b_g. tearing up over texts...that man has some skillz.

well, i'm also pmsing so i am probably capable of tearing up at an auto insurance commercial right now tbqh

i do not have PMS and I cried when i saw mickey rooney during the muppet movie, so i mean hey, b_g, a text cd be like gone with the wind to me

"it breaks my heart a little for you to think i would be the kind of person to just phase you out. that's a horrible thing to do to a person and that has been done to me before. i wouldn't dream of putting anyone through it, especially someone i really really like"

and he is just busy working on his kickstarter campaign or something.

now i feel like a jerk for over-reacting.
--bene_gesserit

Take this with a grain of salt from my cold dead heart but even that message would irritate me a bit, like he is putting the blame on you and making you feel like a jerk with no self awareness about why you might have gleaned that from his behavior. Still, that's only one of the messages and again my heart is cold and dead so you know.

If he hasn't produced concrete real explanations why he's flaked out on you that many times, I don't think he should be off the hook.

Yeah, you should insist on a detailed schedule for the last week; times, addresses, numbers to verify, etc...

oh my heart is cold and dead itself. i remain highly sceptical of emotional outpourings and mawkish gestures due to what happened with that guy who baked me the pie. however, i will give him another chance i suppose.

i read it and it sounded reasonable but then i re-read it in an owen wilson voice and now i'm slightly dubious.

i remain highly sceptical of emotional outpourings and mawkish gestures due to what happened with that guy who baked me the pie

missed this story, enjoying imagining variations on what happened

man if this was old ILX, I would vote for romantic saxophone's gif to be the background and for romantic sax.mp3 to play forever, for this thread

http://www.youtube.com/v/EBM854BTGL0&autoplay=1

:[

I may have over-suggested my availability this weekend, unless you'd like to come craft at my house while I paint woodwork red? No? Ah well.

now YOU'RE flaking on me! NOT YOU TOO!!! TO HELL WITH YOU!

j/k <3

The ilx downtime prevented me from being able to rantbitch about a rather unfortunate fooforaw that happened witn an OKC match I started talking to.

- he added me to FB
- in doing this we discovered he knows my housemates current ladyfriend
- he also mentioned N is "a friend of his"
- some time later he'd given up talking to me, I jokingly enquired why, and got informed it is because he hates N, thinks he's an asshole, thinks he treats his ladyfriend like shit, and assorted other crap I dont wanna get into
- the whole thing turned into a massive drama with N, this guy, N's girl, all getting involved and getting upset, and then as A COMPLETE ASIDE N decided to break up with this woman, as well
- dude then BLOCKS ME ON FB for all this. Because HE called MY best friend an asshole?

... I then deleted my OKC profile. Had enough of ridiculous shit like this happening.

Man how the fuck did any of that become *your* problem?

I KNOW RIGHT!? It went from zero to "woah what the hell am I suddenlyin the middle of!?" within about 2 hours one afternoon, jesus fuck. my housemate was embarrased and apologetic and even his ladyfriend was all "what the hell asshole" to her friend (ie the OKC guy), but yea... bloody hell I attract some weird luck.

and you are better off not knowing this guy

my okcupid luck has been: good

but i am taking it really easy+slow tbh, esp as i've been busy with work/life