The Gospel According to Raggett

Ned was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ned, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Ned and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Ned! What's happenin? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Ned's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ned that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Ned says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Ned says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Ned on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ned, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Ned, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Ned.

"My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Ned and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ned says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ned emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Ned returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Ned asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Ned?"

I'd go to Mass every week if it featured readings from ILXors.

which one is Rogan?

This is a vision.

Hearing the name of Ned booming around the church = CLASSIC

I admit a recording of that would be of interest. If one existed.

The Church of Ned Raggett (25 Different People)

Here’s the church, here’s the steeple - open the doors, and see the people; open the thumbs and see the fingers: a Raggett full of ringers, bushrangers and boasters – twenty five different posters* ... There’re loads: Robin Carmody and Nick Rhodes, Limiter Garner, Tom, Jeff Duff ... will there ever be enough?! At the weekends, Raggett shoots grouse in the grounds of his country house; and the finger, pulling the trigger, in his study, clicks the mouse; but his finger is stronger and bigger on his “Lord of the Rings” mouse-pad - when his tortured characters add their comments to a thread*. Open the doors – look inside Ned, where all our prayers are poured. His hand is a church - his fingers, his flock; and this starry discussion board still shudders with the shock of the big bang. Will Raggett, like Kelly, hang - his neck in the noose of his mouse? At the weekends, Raggett shoots grouse, drinking brandy from a flask; his mouse is his noose, his mask; a different e-mail, a made up name: he loads his gun, takes aim, and curses the game he missed, clicking the mouse with his fist.