A thread where we confess bad things we've done so Jon won't feel so all alone

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When I was a kid visiting my uncle's farm I went up into the barn hayloft and cut open and dumped about 20 bales of hay outside the second-story hay-doors, so that I could jump and land on the mammoth pile of hay thus created.
I got a stern talking-to.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Also hay-related—I was on a holiday hayride and a nice old couple slowed down and waved as they were passing us. I shot a rubber band at them that went right in their open window and hit the lady.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:06 (seventeen years ago) link

I went into my neighbor's boat house and drew chalk pictures of naked people all over the floors and walls.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:08 (seventeen years ago) link

My brothers and I used to stick rotten apples on the end of a stick, whip the stick and see how many apples we could land on the neighbor's garage.
They also used to take shits into the neighbor's swimming pool. NOT ME!!!!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:11 (seventeen years ago) link

BAD KID!!!

― jhoshea (jhoshea), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:13 (seventeen years ago) link

You sure did a lot of bad things :D. That first story is great, every kid around the world wishes he could do the same thing!
Once, after a fight with my brother, I was really angry so I took a book and threw it at a window. I broke the glass and the shards fell on the street from 3 stories high ... Got a stern talking-to too.

― jibe (jibe), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:17 (seventeen years ago) link

I was wondering where that shard of glass in my brain came from!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:31 (seventeen years ago) link

I never played any party game involving blindfolds without cheating. I ALWAYS won pin the tail on the donkey.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:33 (seventeen years ago) link

when i was 8, i took a shit in a hole in our garage. i didn't do it out of malice, but because it was raining and i didn't feel like running indoors to the bathroom (the garage was detached from the house). it took 2 weeks before my father could find it -- the garage stank like, well, shit!

― Eisbär (Eisbär), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:41 (seventeen years ago) link

The first time my kids attempted to grow pot, they fertilized it with their own shit.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:45 (seventeen years ago) link

And put the thus-enriched 4" pots under a lightbulb in the attic. By the time we discovered it the attic was dire.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 18:46 (seventeen years ago) link

I touched my pee-pee.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 19:06 (seventeen years ago) link

btw, i don't think jon did anything bad.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

― But Abraham said, Jump! (goodbra), Sunday, 11 February 2007 19:16 (seventeen years ago) link

http://hometown.aol.co.uk/JBono117/goatse.jpg

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 19:19 (seventeen years ago) link

kenan, do you even know what he did, or how it was done, or what it lets him do?

― stet (stet), Sunday, 11 February 2007 19:21 (seventeen years ago) link

I don't know how it was done, no, but my understanding is that it gives him godlike powers.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 20:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Or were you asking my advice?

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 20:35 (seventeen years ago) link

I think Kenan should fix the database himself seeing as he thinks everyone's overreacting so much.

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 11 February 2007 20:58 (seventeen years ago) link

the database is not broken.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:02 (seventeen years ago) link

jon's been v kind to kenan over the years so it makes sense that dude would defend his actions.

― sede vacante (blueski), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:06 (seventeen years ago) link

i just can't believe he has the gall to openly confess to stalking on his own blog (My lovely and talented roommate (”Ms. T”) has moved into her new apartment. I’ll be following her in the next few weeks)

― sede vacante (blueski), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:08 (seventeen years ago) link

i set fire to the field at my elementary school. using origami scraps the japanese club left out by the big old tree, which is still alive despite being set aflame. boy that caused a ruckus-- first graders and kindergarteners running everywhere, and me pretending for a few moments like i didn't start it.

― the table is the table (trees), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:11 (seventeen years ago) link

jon what did you do to ilx?

and thx for helping w/the schefter darkweb

Comment by jhoshea — Sun 11 Feb 2007 @ 12:17

― Eisbär (Eisbär), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:13 (seventeen years ago) link

jon, once i peed in the shrubs in your house in lil compton. i was afraid to go inside b/c both your mom was yelling at your dad. sorry!

― remy bean (bean), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:15 (seventeen years ago) link

jon's been v kind to kenan over the years so it makes sense that dude would defend his actions.

There was a recent meet-up of these two in Chicago. Kenan has since been very defferent w/r/t jw.

― Metrosexual Healing (crunkleJ), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:20 (seventeen years ago) link

when i was in kindergarden, me & a classmate pushed over this other kid in our class who had crutches. after doing this, i sat behind the piano & sang some lyrics mocking the kid w/ crutches (who at that point was squirming around on the floor) and the other kid took the crutches and hobbled around the classroom.

the kid who pushed the kid w/ crutches ended up moving away in 6th grade (he was becoming a bit of a juvenile delinquent). the kid with crutches who we pushed over ended up becoming one of my best high school friends, got into weight-lifting, and earned his college money as a bouncer at rough bars in north philly and south jersey.

― Eisbär (Eisbär), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:21 (seventeen years ago) link

JW and Kenan were born to get along, as soon as they stopped being so much themselves to each other.

― Laurel (Laurel), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:27 (seventeen years ago) link

narcissism of small differences, prolly.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:30 (seventeen years ago) link

I like Jon, I don't know if some people realise this. I don't really have an opinion on what's happened here either, but I think people saying "oh relax" about it are being unfair on Stet and Keef and everyone else who's put in their own unthanked unpaid time outside of work to let people even *have* ILX at all.

And I'm now outta here, because if the temp board is going to be a litany of "see? Told you" and "it were better in t'awld days" and bitching and pissing, I don't wanna know.

Catcha later peeps.

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:31 (seventeen years ago) link

It's hardly "unthanked"? Unpaid and very gracious, yes.

― Laurel (Laurel), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:34 (seventeen years ago) link

She's right. Fuck this. I'm going to watch Futurama.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:36 (seventeen years ago) link

(I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. My parents beat me.)

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:37 (seventeen years ago) link

(possibly not enough.)

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:40 (seventeen years ago) link

i just can't believe he has the gall to openly confess to stalking on his own blog (My lovely and talented roommate (”Ms. T”) has moved into her new apartment. I’ll be following her in the next few weeks)

-- sede vacante (n...), February 11th, 2007.

please to recognize sarcasm and not be faggot

― hm (modestmickey), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:56 (seventeen years ago) link

or just general learning to read or whatever

― hm (modestmickey), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:57 (seventeen years ago) link

what did jon do??

― maunders (maunders), Sunday, 11 February 2007 21:59 (seventeen years ago) link

hi guys

― jw (ex machina), Sunday, 11 February 2007 22:01 (seventeen years ago) link

xpost he hacked in, gave himself mod privileges, and banned someone that no one likes, anyway.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 22:01 (seventeen years ago) link

hi jon. Laurel and I are defending you. It's an uphill battle around here.

― there to preserve disorder (kenan), Sunday, 11 February 2007 22:01 (seventeen years ago) link

so this is how i find out i was banned :(

― esoj@w3rk (esoj@w3rk), Sunday, 11 February 2007 22:07 (seventeen years ago) link

thanks for the tip mickey, i'll try and work up to your level

― sede vacante (blueski), Sunday, 11 February 2007 22:17 (seventeen years ago) link

In the childhood-misbehavior-spills-over-into-adulthood department:
When I lost the lease on my DC apartment because I'd illegally sublet it while I was in California with my new boyfriend I led my college boyfriend (NAMED JON) to believe that I was coming back to him so that he would go to the DC apt and move all my stuff into storage.
Later, after having two kids with new BF, I asked HIM to watch the kids while I went to art gallery openings with the "friend" who is now my husband.
It's been 18 years now, I think I'm good. Plus, those other guys were dicks.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 11 February 2007 23:00 (seventeen years ago) link

Everybody's a nobody to somebody, whatever-your-name-is.

― suzy artskooldisko (suzy artskooldisko), Monday, 12 February 2007 00:23 (seventeen years ago) link

jon's biggest drawback is the lack of h in his name

― m00kiepr00f (m00kiepr00f), Monday, 12 February 2007 00:30 (seventeen years ago) link

(If it was PEW who was banned, I had nothing against him.)

― sundarsubramanian (SundarS), Monday, 12 February 2007 00:48 (seventeen years ago) link

Stop picking on Jon and CONFESS!!!!!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:36 (seventeen years ago) link

I shoplifted as an adolescent. A lot. I'm not sure why, even now.

― Laurel (Laurel), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:37 (seventeen years ago) link

I stole a load of 20 cent coins from my mums purse so I could play Frogger and Galaga at the bowling alley.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:45 (seventeen years ago) link

When I was like, 10.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:45 (seventeen years ago) link

BAD!
I suspect that two separate DC restaurants went belly-up due to my prodigious employee theft. The most impressive feat was the time I stole an entire beef tenderloin from the cooler, walking out with it held against my body under a long camelhair coat. My housemates and I had steaks for a week.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:50 (seventeen years ago) link

I spend as much time as possible at work, not actually working at all. I hate this job that much.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:51 (seventeen years ago) link

BETH DID YOU WORK AT BLACKIE'S HOUSE OF BEEF

― m00kiepr00f (m00kiepr00f), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:52 (seventeen years ago) link

NO!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:55 (seventeen years ago) link

LULU'S MARDI GRAS?

― m00kiepr00f (m00kiepr00f), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:55 (seventeen years ago) link

The Childe Harolde just went out.... (never forget etc)

― Allyzay P. Boxcars (trm), Monday, 12 February 2007 03:58 (seventeen years ago) link

ME AND FRED USED TENNIS RACKET TO BOUNCE HANDFULS OF GRAVEL AT JIMMY DUNUBIO WITH AND IT BROKE.

― TIM@KFC.EDU (TIM@KFC.EDU), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:04 (seventeen years ago) link

I worked at the Childe Harold. Last DC job. And lived in the Chastleton on 16th and R.
The tenderloin-theft place was called Tinker's, of all the bad names, off Washington Circle in the mid-seventies. Many moons ago. Then after they went down the tubes I worked at Kramerbooks—not the cafe north of Dupont Circle but the cafe at the remainders store just south of the circle. It had a short life because I STOLE ALL THE FOOD. I used to stuff plastic trash bags full of croissants and pain au chocolat. I could hardly fit it in my freezer. I used to suck cannoli filling out of the pastry bag as if it was a baby bottle, concealing myself behind the opened door of the fridge. I wasn't supposed to eat the grapes that went on the fruit and cheese plates unless they were "loose grapes—" not attached to the bunch. So I'd pick the bunch up and shake it like a terrier killing a rat.
BAD BAD BAD. I would have fired me.
also that worked at Mr. Henry's on Pennsylvania.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Did the C.H. go out of business?

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:09 (seventeen years ago) link

ALSO WORKED. Sheesh.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:10 (seventeen years ago) link

When I lived on the 7th floor of the Chastleton I took acid and dropped a whole flat of eggs (that I had stolen from Kramerbooks, of course), one by one, onto the hoods of the cars in the parking lot down below. It looked so cool. They exploded in slow-mo, like flowers blooming.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:20 (seventeen years ago) link

CH just closed recently, yeah! Like this past week or so.

― Allyzay P. Boxcars (trm), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:22 (seventeen years ago) link

well, kramerbooks sux anyway. c.h. just went out of business, so it probably had nothing to do with you. you big stoner.

― m00kiepr00f (m00kiepr00f), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:24 (seventeen years ago) link

WTF. The Historical Preservation Society or some such should have bought it and kept it running.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:26 (seventeen years ago) link

I am just sad that I didn't steal Springsteen's rider when I had the chance last Saturday.

― Allyzay P. Boxcars (trm), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:32 (seventeen years ago) link

;_;

― a_p (a_p), Monday, 12 February 2007 04:42 (seventeen years ago) link

i still think that my confession -- that i kicked over a (temporarily) crippled kid, stole his crutches, and then sang a song mocking him -- hasn't been topped yet. unless we have some heretofore undisclosed axe murderers.

― Eisbär (Eisbär), Monday, 12 February 2007 05:25 (seventeen years ago) link

Well there *was* someone who said they still werent prepared to fess up to some hideous deed, ages ago. I forget who. Mickey maybe? Had me wondering if it involved hobo stabbing, I gotta tell ya.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 12 February 2007 05:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Also Tad: were you on an episode of Malcolm in the Middle or some shit?

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 12 February 2007 05:28 (seventeen years ago) link

in grade eight i fought a kid (and won) and later participated in the shave-creaming of his belongings whilst we were camping. two and a half years later he died of leukemia

― m00kiepr00f (m00kiepr00f), Monday, 12 February 2007 05:29 (seventeen years ago) link

i was sitting at the top of the stairs and my friend's little brother crawled to the top with my coat in his mouth, and I shoved him down for no apparent reason

― emilys. (DDDD____DDDD), Monday, 12 February 2007 05:30 (seventeen years ago) link

my second job in nyc was reporter/editorial asst for a business newsletter. i didn't do a half-assed job, more like quarter-assed. well my boss did make me do stuff like pick up his dry cleaning but that doesn't justify my behavior. working on no-pay freelance music assignments at work then last-minute FAKING my job assignments with made-up quotes and bogus statistics. now that I think abt it my boss also conned me into writing stuff that appeared unchanged under his byline in a new york newspaper but still...the capper was being sent to cover a big trade show in Chicago and getting so bored I blew the whole thing off and watched TV in my hotel room. fired soon after.

it's not kicking a cripple or seducing a nun but HEY c'est le vie.

― m coleman (lovebug ), Monday, 12 February 2007 11:23 (seventeen years ago) link

i kicked over a (temporarily) crippled kid, stole his crutches, and then sang a song mocking him

Tad is in a Belle and Sebastian song!

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Monday, 12 February 2007 12:29 (seventeen years ago) link

Oh noes Childe Harolde!!!

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Monday, 12 February 2007 12:46 (seventeen years ago) link

What did Jon do? I WANNA KNOW!

I touched my dad's penis. He was in bath and went with his head under the water. I noticed his penis and decided to grab it. He was mightily surprised. Hey, I wondered what a penis felt like. I was a couple of years old.

― nathalie (stevienixed), Monday, 12 February 2007 13:09 (seventeen years ago) link

I pinned a girl to the bulletin board by her hair in 5th grade.

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Monday, 12 February 2007 13:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Then I spread a rumor about her that she was a "lezzo"

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Monday, 12 February 2007 13:17 (seventeen years ago) link

I used to steal twenties from my step-mom's pot proceeds.

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Monday, 12 February 2007 13:18 (seventeen years ago) link

Once my English teacher asked me to come up and show her my spelling test because she thought my friend and I had cheated. I first wrote "Mrs. Eden Sucks!!" on the paper before plunking it down on her desk. I was suspended from class.

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Monday, 12 February 2007 13:20 (seventeen years ago) link

I once stole a keg of beer and about a dozen lobsters from a restaurant where I washed dishes at 16.

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Monday, 12 February 2007 16:29 (seventeen years ago) link

In high school (freshman year!) I went on some orchestra kid trip to Orlando. After 26 hours on a bus, do we go straight to a hotel? No! To the water park.

So there's this mini golf course next to the water park, and a little water trap on it complete with sign that says "Lose your golf ball, $1 fine." So of course we end up hitting them right into the water, and end up fishing out half a dozen balls. For illustration:

mini golf course | small fence | roadway | parking lot | restaurant with tin roof

So some dumbass who is with me grabs an extra ball, smacks it across the street with the putter, and we hear it roll down the tin roof and bounce across the parking lot, somehow missing the parked cars. We each hit a ball across the street. Somehow no one got in trouble.

― mh (mike h.), Monday, 12 February 2007 16:37 (seventeen years ago) link

1987 - I dared my sister's friend Danielle (6 years old) to sit on our grill, which we had cooked on an hour+ prior, she burned her asscheek/thigh and was never allowed to hang out with my sister again.

― nklshs (nklshs), Monday, 12 February 2007 16:59 (seventeen years ago) link

I pushed a classmate named Jason 4lex4nder off the wagon at a church hayride and he fell under the wheel, got run over, and had to go immediately to the hospital for stitches. He moved away the next year.

― Laurel (Laurel), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:01 (seventeen years ago) link

i shot a man in reno just to watch him die.

no, wait, that was someone else. odb probably.

― chicago kevin has a lust for bacon (chicago kevin), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Why did you shoot ODB?

― nklshs (nklshs), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:03 (seventeen years ago) link

just to watch him die?

― onimo (nu_onimo), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:06 (seventeen years ago) link

one time jon and pj and i stole jon's dad's weed and smoked it in a hot tub in vermont. we saw time emenating from the linoleum, and also because i was on phenobarbitol i had trouble communicating in english, gubble gubble.

― remy bean (bean), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Remy, it's like you've been waiting for years to tell all! Someone ought to write a book.

― Laurel (Laurel), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Laurel, once i wrote a tv pilot based on the misadventures of my high school years. It was returned as having themes that were 'overly idiosyncratic and addled' and also 'with characterizations verging on the romantic and the absurd.' JW was the inspiration for a character named Willie K, and he garnered marginalia reading - 'ethically suspect''W.T.Hell!' 'He has no shame... but Catholic?'

― remy bean (bean), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:19 (seventeen years ago) link

"No, Lutheran!"

― Laurel (Laurel), Monday, 12 February 2007 17:21 (seventeen years ago) link

Tad is in a Belle and Sebastian song!

OMG that's right ... i forgot about that song.

― Eisbär (Eisbär), Monday, 12 February 2007 19:21 (seventeen years ago) link

This, apparently.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 12 February 2007 19:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Beth, I look at you in an entirely new light now.

― Ms Misery (MsMisery), Monday, 12 February 2007 19:36 (seventeen years ago) link

I may have been another thief in our nation's capital, but at least I didn't shoot JFK like Ned did.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 23:26 (seventeen years ago) link

OR BEAT UP CRIPPLES.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 12 February 2007 23:34 (seventeen years ago) link

When my ex made a big issue over how I was failing to sew patches on his ripped jeans, I burned them all in the barbeque pit until nothing was left but rivets and zippers.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 00:23 (seventeen years ago) link

No, wait, that was a GOOD thing I did. Empowering and all.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 00:23 (seventeen years ago) link

I also smashed all the windows of his pickup truck, and—weirdly—buried the broken glass in the woods.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 00:24 (seventeen years ago) link

And I tore a bunch of his money to tiny shreds.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 00:25 (seventeen years ago) link

When my mom and her girlfriend went on a vacation to Mexico and left my brother (a senior in high school) and me (a sophomore)alone, we invited people over. Before they arrived, I took down all the pictures of my mom with her gf so no one would know they were lesbians (I would tell ppl that was my aunt). When my parents returned, I hadn't returned things right and I heard them having an injured conversation between them about why my brother would have moved the photos of them and is he ashamed of them. I never confessed and let them believe it was my brother who did it.

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 00:57 (seventeen years ago) link

Well, he was older than you and should have stopped you. In failing to control your bad behavior, he takes responsibility.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 17:51 (seventeen years ago) link

eleven months pass...

::""::

― d, Tuesday, 15 January 2008 21:01 (sixteen years ago) link

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