Beryl updates

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She's on great form today.

To me : "Ooo sweetie, where 'ave you been this week? And where's that £50 I gave yer aht of petty cash, eh?"

On phone : " 'E should know bettah than to leave his tools in the van, darlin'. 'Ow many times 'ave you told 'im pwecious?"

On phone again : "You AIN'T PAID FOR IT SO YOU CAN'T 'AVE IT! Do you foller me?"

Just now to colleague : "I'm no longer your work wife darlin'. Consider yourself SO BLOODY DIVORCED!"

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Thursday, 30 November 2006 12:24 (seventeen years ago) link

She still got it.

― Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (g-kit), Thursday, 30 November 2006 12:27 (seventeen years ago) link

"Consider yourself SO BLOODY DIVORCED!" is a work of art.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 30 November 2006 12:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Did she really give you £50 out of petty cash? You better pay it back, I don't want her getting in trouble.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 30 November 2006 12:46 (seventeen years ago) link

£50 was to get a 'present' for a customer who we're trying to butter up. I promise not to get her in trouble.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Thursday, 30 November 2006 13:12 (seventeen years ago) link

Are the inverted commas supposed to insinuate that you bought this customer a 1/4 of weed? Because they do.

― Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (g-kit), Thursday, 30 November 2006 13:13 (seventeen years ago) link

No they were fresh out, so I got a crystal meth starter pack instead.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Thursday, 30 November 2006 13:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Bargainous.

― Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (g-kit), Thursday, 30 November 2006 13:16 (seventeen years ago) link

To me just now (in wheedling voice) : "'Ave you got me a Christmas pressy yet, sweetie?"

On phone : "I'll send me bruvver down, that's wot I'll do - 'e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!"

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Friday, 8 December 2006 11:01 (seventeen years ago) link

I was thinking about Beryl this morning, wondering what she'd been saying recently.

― C J (C J), Friday, 8 December 2006 11:03 (seventeen years ago) link

i'm on Beryl watch today as I'm back in the office now. Watch this space.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Friday, 8 December 2006 11:39 (seventeen years ago) link

Have you got her a Christmas present yet?

― C J (C J), Friday, 8 December 2006 11:39 (seventeen years ago) link

No, but I think I should. She deserves something. But what?

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Friday, 8 December 2006 11:42 (seventeen years ago) link

copy of 1984

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 8 December 2006 11:45 (seventeen years ago) link

http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/pix/comicstripbooks/andycapp/andycapp92.jpg

― C J (C J), Friday, 8 December 2006 12:02 (seventeen years ago) link

Beryl strikes me as the kind of lady who'd like a nice box of choccies.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Friday, 8 December 2006 12:26 (seventeen years ago) link

Nice one, CJ!!

Choccies - no. She'd like them, but is on a diet.

Earlier (on phone) : " I wish I 'ad the TIME to check every hinvoice, pwecious. But I really 'aven't. Can it wait until Monday sweetie?"

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Friday, 8 December 2006 15:23 (seventeen years ago) link

There was a certain amount of simpering in that last phone call. I think she may have been talking to her fancy man from accounts aka G4reth.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Friday, 8 December 2006 15:39 (seventeen years ago) link

::insert picture of G looking quizzically at phone::

― masonic boom (kate), Friday, 8 December 2006 15:40 (seventeen years ago) link

Oh Dr. C. Obviously she's on a diet. Choccies for christmas, though, are your way of telling her she doesn't need to be on a diet because you love her the way she is.

Plus, if she's really on a diet, she'll open them in the office and you can all scoff them.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Friday, 8 December 2006 16:06 (seventeen years ago) link

"I'll send me bruvver down, that's wot I'll do - 'e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!"

I oughtta smash his face in...Yeah, but he's bigger than me, innt he. I know, I'll get my mate Barry to hit him, he'd flatten him.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 8 December 2006 16:13 (seventeen years ago) link

"I'll send me bruvver down, that's wot I'll do - 'e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!"

HA! she sounds exactly like my friend's sister-in-law, trish.

― Lauren (lauren), Friday, 8 December 2006 16:21 (seventeen years ago) link

"Tina pwecious - can you just run these dahn to the post hoffice, sweetie? I'm pressed for time at the moment darlin', I really am"

(To me) "Ow's your bwoken wib, sweetie? Not stoppin' yer enjoyin' Christmas is it, darlin'?"

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 10:40 (seventeen years ago) link

What sort of voice does she have? In my head, she's become Angie off EastEnders, but I'm guessing it's rougher than that?

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 10:49 (seventeen years ago) link

I imagine her as the secretary in Saxondale.

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 10:51 (seventeen years ago) link

I imagine her voice being a higher-pitched version of Marcia from Spaced.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 10:55 (seventeen years ago) link

I like Beryl already and I've only known of her existence for five minutes.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 10:57 (seventeen years ago) link

I imagine her to be in her 50s, a little on the plump side, about 5ft 2ins tall,, dyed blonde hair piled up on top of her head in an elaborate style, small feet - probably about size 4) with high heeled court shoes, and immaculately-polished fingernails. She brings a shopping bag in to work with her every day, and really likes scarves and Barry Manilow.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:03 (seventeen years ago) link

I think CJ and I both have the same Beryl Cook impression of Beryl.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:41 (seventeen years ago) link

The Beryl Files :

Voice : Kira from This Life with a touch of Babs Windsor.

Age : She's younger than me! No-one knows exactly, but I reckon about 37/38. I'll ask if I dare.

Hair : dark, dyed sort of browny-aubergine

Miscellaneous : yes, quite plump. Always smart. About 5ft 4 ins. CJ OTM about the shopping bag. Watches a LOT of telly, likes pubs and music. Seems to know quite a lot about reggae and soul and 80's pop.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:42 (seventeen years ago) link

(Snippet just overheard) "....The lights are orf and there's wawtah runnin' dahn the wall!"

(On phone just now....very loudly) "I'M JUS' DOIN' IT NOW, DARLIN'. ALRIGHT?'!!"

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:47 (seventeen years ago) link

Now I've described her you've all gone off her, haven't you?

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:06 (seventeen years ago) link

To the contrary!

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Not at all. She should have her own sitcom.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:26 (seventeen years ago) link

with Fractured playing the theme tune, obv.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Who would play her though?

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Kathy Burke?

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Kira from This Life!

(I think Mrs Dr C should play her)

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:39 (seventeen years ago) link

Who would play her in the bad American adaptation?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:54 (seventeen years ago) link

Fran Drescher

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 15:56 (seventeen years ago) link

Jane Leeves

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 16:00 (seventeen years ago) link

Kathy Burke is a great suggestion. B's a bit more glamorous than her though.

Luisa B-W is also possible.

Mrs. Dr. C can do the voice, but otherwise miscast I think.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 16:23 (seventeen years ago) link

Perhaps we could have animated Beryl.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 16:42 (seventeen years ago) link

it could be kind of The Simpsons meets The Office.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 16:43 (seventeen years ago) link

i've been imagining her looking like this:

http://www.howyoudoin.de/bilder/nebenrollen/estelle.jpg

― stevie (stevie2), Wednesday, 20 December 2006 17:46 (seventeen years ago) link

(On-phone, through gritted teeth) "Darlin', cwedit-hold don't mean we ain't shippin' the order. We just ain't shippin' it YET."

She's in a better mood this afternoon though :

Just now to colleague - "PAUL! PAUL! Give us a KISS sweetie!"

Just now on phone "Listen darlin', as Meg Wyan said in When 'Arry Met Sally.........YES! YES! YES!"

I think several Cinzano and lemonades may have been involved at lunchtime. I daren't venture near her desk.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Thursday, 21 December 2006 16:02 (seventeen years ago) link

Did Beryl have a nice Christmas? Did she get tipsy on New Year's Eve and kiss a stranger or two?

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 3 January 2007 14:43 (seventeen years ago) link

There's some interesting Beryl news.

1) She's had a mystery falling-out with her office 'best friend' and they're really ostentatiously 'not speaking'.

2) IRL she lives not too far from me, and by chance I met her IN THE PUB over Christmas! She was with her Dad (think Dave from Chas n Dave) and I was with the missus, taking a well-earned break from the 'festivities' (i.e hiding from various family members who were hell-bent on setting the world record for longest period being waited on hand-and foot). She was in fine form, but I noticed that she toned down the 'sweeties' and 'pweciouses' a bit, which really wasn't necessary.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Wednesday, 3 January 2007 15:07 (seventeen years ago) link

one month passes...

Beryl's adoring public demand more Beryl!

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Monday, 12 February 2007 20:51 (seventeen years ago) link

There is lots of Beryl to report. I'm not sure I feel up to it today- we'll see. A cup of tea and a bacon roll might have restorative powers.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:08 (seventeen years ago) link

ask her about football

― resumo impetus (blueski), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:10 (seventeen years ago) link

we'll see.

PLEASE!! don't keep us hanging on like this!

― emsk ( emsk ), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:21 (seventeen years ago) link

A cup of tea and a bacon roll might have restorative powers.

Will you be having spread on your roll?

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:32 (seventeen years ago) link

On a bacon roll, heavens to betsy that is wrong.

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:33 (seventeen years ago) link

What's wronger is butter on a bacon roll. How people get that down without gagging I do not know.

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:36 (seventeen years ago) link

But Tracer, the flavour is in the fat.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:41 (seventeen years ago) link

maybe the flavour is the problem.

― teh_kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:43 (seventeen years ago) link

Exactly?

xpost butter barely tastes like anything!

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:44 (seventeen years ago) link

I'm thinking about it more and the problem is the temperature. Cold butter does not go next to meat.

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:47 (seventeen years ago) link

It's funny to think that Beryl is so famous around the world, and yet is completely unaware of it.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:51 (seventeen years ago) link

Or so she lets us believe...

― teh_kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:53 (seventeen years ago) link

But it should be the fat from the pan not added fat from butter. The bacon should bring it's own grease and if not the roll should be dragged around the pan dripping.

fry in butter by all means.

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 11:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Cold butter does not go next to meat.
This is crazy talk. A baguette with jambon blanc is best with a good thick smear of unsalted butter.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 12:00 (seventeen years ago) link

Absolutely OTM.

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 12:02 (seventeen years ago) link

The butter pretty much should be treated as cheese in that sandwich combination.

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 12:02 (seventeen years ago) link

butter barely tastes like anything!

waht?

a LITTLE bit of butter in a bacon roll is fine

― resumo impetus (blueski), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 12:27 (seventeen years ago) link

What Would Beryl Do?

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 12:28 (seventeen years ago) link

What do we want? Beryl! When do we want her? 'Old yer 'orses pwecious, I'm on me lunch bweak

― It's Teatime in Buttercup Land (Maaarghk C), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 12:46 (seventeen years ago) link

Yeah, stop it with your mentalist bacon roll talk. More Beryl!

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 17:56 (seventeen years ago) link

This is officially my new favourite thread. Beryl love.

― Hard like armour (Hard like armour), Tuesday, 13 February 2007 23:46 (seventeen years ago) link

I hope Beryl gets a valentine's card from someone today.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 09:32 (seventeen years ago) link

I hope so too. I will try and find out. I just overheard this :

(Beryl on phone) : "So I sez, fank you for the woses...'ooever you are!"

What can that mean?

In other Beryl news :

a) The best friend tiff is patched up, I think. I never found out what was going on, but here and best-fwend went on a lunchtime shopping trip on Monday (see c)

b) I haven't taken her to lunch yet.

c) The shoppin' twip was to buy a gift for our office colleague, Graham (the recipient of the 'so bloody divorced' comment way upthread), who has just announced his engagement to the lovely and mysterious Louise, who no-one has met. Graham sits opposite Beryl and is her long-suffering sparring partner in office banter, albeit a rather gloomy one. They bought champagne, chocs and some SAUCY things. This led to some choice Berylisms e.g. :

" Gwaham -it sez on the packet 20 minutes of pleasure for you and your partner. That's 18 minutes more than usual, ain't it sweetie?"

I had a little contretemps with my expenses on Monday :

B (approaching my desk brandishing paperwork) : " Oi! Wot's THIS!"
Me : "My expenses?"
B (patiently) "Sweetheart, I can't pay 'em wivaht a VAT receipt, can I pwecious?"
Me : "Oh go on, you can just sign it off, can't you"
B "Larst time I did that Gaweth waised merry 'ell wiv' me, sweetie. He was WEALLY cwoss abaht it, darlin!"
Me : Just tell him it's my fault.
B : "Seein' as it's you, darlin', I'll sign it. But DON'T DO IT NO MORE, do you foller me"

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 10:21 (seventeen years ago) link

Paper woses, paper woses, oh how weal those woses seeeemed to meee....

Beryl updates completely make my day.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 10:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Now I'm imagining her as the upstairs landlady in Spaced.

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 11:02 (seventeen years ago) link

Have the saucy things shocked people? Or maybe the anticipation of Beryl is better than the real thing?

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 14:06 (seventeen years ago) link

I wasn't shocked at all. Beryl insinuating that Graham's capacity for pleasure-giving amounted to TWO MINUTES proved to me beyond any doubt that she is but an innocent in such matters, and she was probably only repeating loose talk she had overheard on the bus, for comic effect. If she really knew about men, she'd have been talking about seconds, not minutes.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 14:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Don't forget she is divorced! Maybe it wasn't loose talk, but from BITTER EXPERIENCE.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 14:19 (seventeen years ago) link

wow. . .I've never read this thread before. It is a thing of beauty.

― Ms Misery (MsMisery), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 19:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Tracer, I've been seeing her as Marsha all along! 'Arf a bott-uhl of rioja and OOOOOH, the regrets.

― Laurel (Laurel), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 20:02 (seventeen years ago) link

Can't you post a photo of Beryl?

― Maria :D (Maria :D), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 20:23 (seventeen years ago) link

So how was Beryl's hot date on Valentine's Day?

― Hard like armour (Hard like armour), Thursday, 15 February 2007 21:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Maria, no, it would ruin everything.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 15 February 2007 22:20 (seventeen years ago) link

Well....

B wasn't around much yesterday, and I'm not at work today. But we did have a brief conversation :

Beryl (*slightly* suggestively) : "Did you 'ave a nice Valentines evenin' eh, darlin'?"
Me : "Not bad, Beryl. Did you erm,....go out or anything"
B : "Noooo, pwecious. Stayed in wiv a tub of 'aagen-dazs, sweetie"

That made me quite sad. There was no hot date. Poor Beryl.

I won't post a picture. I don't think that would be right. All I will say is that you wouldn't be disappointed - she is utterly perfect and exactly how you would expect.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Friday, 16 February 2007 13:44 (seventeen years ago) link

hook her up with me

― teh_kit (g-kit), Friday, 16 February 2007 13:48 (seventeen years ago) link

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