Rolling moron co-worker thread

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"You know that Bob Marley song, "Don't Worry Be Happy"?"

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 10:58 (seventeen years ago) link

"Under sexual oring-ta-shin, it gives me the choice of gay, bi, or herotsexual. What do I put if I'm straight?"

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 10:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Them: What you doing?
Me: Oh, just checking my e-mail, following up some leads on some other jobs
Them: Like Leeds United?
Me: What?
Them: Leeds, like the town?
Me: No, leads like "something leads to something else"
Them: What does that mean?
Me: Like... you know, the road to somewhere, the path, the journey to your next point or whatever
Them: I ain't never heard that word before

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 11:00 (seventeen years ago) link

Is this all the same person?

― Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (g-kit), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 11:04 (seventeen years ago) link

Yep.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 11:06 (seventeen years ago) link

Awesomes. You must surely provoke him into providing a few more gems.

― Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (g-kit), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 11:08 (seventeen years ago) link

how long have you been working at The Guardian news office, Dom?

― #, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 11:08 (seventeen years ago) link

i still suspect he's Michael Grade

― Ste, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 11:09 (seventeen years ago) link

Now she's doing Catherine Tate impressions.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 13:54 (seventeen years ago) link

Are you bothered?

― nu_onimo (nu_onimo), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 13:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Now she and another co-worker talking in wacky accents veering between Jamaican and Chinese.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:00 (seventeen years ago) link

man, your co-workers make me look at mine so much more kindly.

― Ms Misery (MsMisery), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:21 (seventeen years ago) link

i have a jamaican co-worker and everytime i'm with him i start humming "johnny too bad". is this wrong?

― scott seward (121212), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:31 (seventeen years ago) link

he isn't a moron though.

― scott seward (121212), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:31 (seventeen years ago) link

Not co-workers exactly, but I shared the Sheffield paternoster this morning with two girls who kept mentioning "The Hoff" and how "legendary he was in Ghost".

― JTS (JTS), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:38 (seventeen years ago) link

"you're runnin and you're gunnin and you're lootin and you're shootin"

hmm

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:40 (seventeen years ago) link

Context, Hand? Or doesn't there have to be any?

Also see my office for the girl who acts like *I'm* the uncool one because *she* doesn't know who John Reid is.

― sandbox suzy, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:47 (seventeen years ago) link

what's her name? THE LEX?

― #, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:48 (seventeen years ago) link

I don't know who John Reid is. But I don't really care one or the other.

― Ms Misery (MsMisery), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:49 (seventeen years ago) link

Jim and William's cranky older brother?

― masonic boom (kate), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:49 (seventeen years ago) link

Naw ahm naw happy when it fuckin rains right!

http://www.thespectacle.co.uk/images/johnreid.gif

― nu_onimo (nu_onimo), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 15:01 (seventeen years ago) link

I think I like the idea of Jim Reid on the Cabinet better - the Minister For Jack Daniels, Rock N Roll and Jesus.

― masonic boom (kate), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 15:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Everyone in my office is a moron, otherwise they wouldn't stand for this shit

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 15:05 (seventeen years ago) link

Please to photoshop Marychain wig and ray-bans on the REID HEID.

― sandbox suzy, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 15:06 (seventeen years ago) link

I love rock 'n' roll
And all these people with no where to go
I love rock 'n' roll
All these people with nothing to show
I love the BBC
I love it when they're pissin' on me
And I love MTV
I love it when they're shittin' on me
I hate rock 'n' roll
And all these people with nothing to show
I hate rock 'n' roll
I hate it cause its fucks with my soul

Rock 'n' roll hates me
I hate you rock 'n' roll
I hate (rock 'n' roll hates me)

Yeah, let's see Condoleeza Rice rock some of that shit.

― masonic boom (kate), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 15:11 (seventeen years ago) link

I told a colleague I'd never seen Little House On The Prairie today when she was talking about someone who looked like someone from it, and was subjected to a run-down of the entire story from start to finish, together with all the characters' history and all salient (and some probably non-salient) plot points. I had NO ESCAPE. It was horrible. There's a REASON I didn't watch it, you know! Yesterday I got the same thing about River City. I'm just going to pretend I've been watching stuff on the telly from now on, it'll be easier than having to listen to reasons WHY I should be watching it (even if it hasn't been on telly for years or I say "I did watch it, but I didn't like it", this appears not to matter). None of them appear to watch anything apart from soaps or bad reality TV. I don't think they read newspapers or even watch the news. I got looked at funny for mentioning I'd seen something on Newsnight. I then got roped into a conversation about local radio DJs on a station I never listen to. My brain is eroding by osmosis.

(note, I like Coronation Street and X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing, but I don't want to listen to other people talking about them in a boringly insightless way all day every day)

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 21:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Today we moved onto a discussion of how brilliant plastic surgery is, inspired by everyone having watched some programme about fat lazy people looking better by getting thousands of pounds spent on them. When asked for my opinion, I cited the example of Colin Hendry's missus who nearly died after getting a tummy tuck (they had no idea what I was on about), and suggested that if people wanted to look ten years younger (theme of programme, I believe) they'd be better off exercising and not eating crap rather than relying on a TV programme to paper over the cracks. They all looked at me as if this was the most ridiculous thing they'd ever heard anyone say.

I should at this point explain that I work for an organisation whose aim is to promote healthy living throughout the community. These people are the development and outreach workers.

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Thursday, 30 November 2006 18:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Someone just belched really loudly from their cubicle, and followed it up with an, "Oh man!"

I need to put my headphones on.

― molly (molly d), Thursday, 30 November 2006 19:12 (seventeen years ago) link

I work from home. My office is shared by, er, cats. Sometimes they poo in the corner of it, but that's because their litter tray is there.

Even before that, the office I worked in was peopled by quiet, genuinely eccentric people who were interested in a wide array of mental things. I miss them.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 30 November 2006 20:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Sometimes I too miss the joys of working with people where they argued with me about the number of states that make up the US.

"There are between 51 and 54 states, and they're just not telling us about them."

She was convinced there were up to 4 extra states floating around because she went to AxeJeeves, and it told her Puerto Rico was a state. I don't know where the other 3 came from. She was a moron.

― molly (molly d), Thursday, 30 November 2006 20:21 (seventeen years ago) link

perhaps the states are kept secret so they can quietly "steal" elections.

― Maria Emily (Maria), Thursday, 30 November 2006 21:20 (seventeen years ago) link

No, she wasn't thinking that far ahead. She just thought they were out there and no one *really* knew about them.

She got fired a year later.

― molly (molly d), Thursday, 30 November 2006 21:26 (seventeen years ago) link

two weeks pass...

I'm not sure if I can properly convey this one, but here goes:

(CONFUSING-TO-BEGIN-WITH RADIO AD FOR JUDGE JUDY)
Judge Judy: So your sister is out four grand. How much money are you out?
Defendant: None.
Judge Judy: Well who does that money belong to?
Defendant: No one.

Older lady: Pssht, yeah right, 'no one.' People are so stupid.
Middle aged lady: Yeah, what did she find it in the street or something?
Older lady: No, no, her sister was OUT four grand
Middle aged lady: Yeah, where did that money come from, she found it in the street?
Older lady: No, the judge said she was OUT four grand, she LOST the money.
Middle aged lady: Yeah, so what did the sister find it in the street or something?

― Hurting (A-Ron Hubbard), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 05:05 (seventeen years ago) link

If she was IN four grand it would have meant she found it in her living room? i'm confused.

― grady (grady), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 05:13 (seventeen years ago) link

pregnant former coworker thinking she would statistically be more likely to have a female child b/c her husbands sisters had all had male children.

same coworker/different day: the printer doesn't work
me: is it out of toner?
coworker: i don't know
me: it says its out of toner, here i'll put some new toner in
coworker: that's not something we should be doing, that is technical! you're going to get electrocuted!!! (calls engineer husband to inquire about safety, technique and complain about my idiocy)

same coworker/different day: fax machine doesn't work
me: really, i used it today it seemed to be working
coworker: when i fax nothing comes out over there
me: oh, i think you have to put it text side up (pointing to diagram on fax machine)
coworker: (looking at me suspiciously ) i'm calling my husband..

― Susan Douglas (Susan Douglas), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 08:08 (seventeen years ago) link

"There's something about this time of year that makes me feel, like, emotional."
ORLY!?
me: Like, the holidays?
Her: I dunno, I'm not sure. It's just this time of year.

― aimurchie (aimurchie), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 08:29 (seventeen years ago) link

" fat lazy people "

!!!!

― nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 08:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Sorry, overweight people who can't be arsed doing any exercise to shift their extra weight, instead getting TV companies to pay for the surgical removal of their fat. I am summarising the conversation of three other people who watched a programme I didn't so cannot actually pass my opinion on the subject of the programme, having not watched it. But sorry for passing on the moronic opinion of others in a thread about passing on the moronic opinion of others.

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 08:39 (seventeen years ago) link

I worked in an office once where the boss (who was the most Brent-like boss I've worked for) said that the solution to the problem of the noisy dot matrix printer doing everyone's head in was to open the window, coz then the noise would go out of the window and not bother us!

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:10 (seventeen years ago) link

what a character

― sede vacante (blueski), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:11 (seventeen years ago) link

In the same office I was telling someone how my teacher at school had caught someone masturbating under his desk. Only the way I put it was that he was "committing the sin of Onan". Another colleague asked what this meant.

Me (quoting Old Testament) "Onan spilt his seed upon the ground and the Lord was angry with him"

Thick colleague: "....you mean he had a packet of seed?"

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:15 (seventeen years ago) link

not as bad as the boss i had who complained that the hole puncher wouldn't work now due to 'some idiot emptying all the paper holes into the bin'

― Ste (fuzzy), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:17 (seventeen years ago) link

In some alternate-universe message board, some guy is posting on his moron co-worker thread:

"and then there's that guy MarkH who waffled on about biblical stuff when all he needed to say was "wanking", the over-educated ponce" :-D

xpost, WTF, Ste, that's brilliantly bizarre.

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:19 (seventeen years ago) link

I was called an over-educated ponce quite a lot in that office, Ailsa :-(

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:21 (seventeen years ago) link

(I rat on my co-workers all the time for being stupid and it often occurs to me that they think I'm stand-offish and think I'm better than them and that they dislike me as much as I dislike them)

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:31 (seventeen years ago) link

well, at least I can say that those days are in the past for me and since I've been working in publishing I am in the middle ground when it comes to knowledge and intelligence.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 11:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Somewhere out there there is a thread containing "'Ere, my co-worker sez committing the sin of Onan for having a wank worra divvy". "Ooh I wouldn't get off with him". "No, me neither, but Shirley Brickhouse did and she says he's got a tiddler" etc. I could go on. I would like to go on. Perhaps I will go on, in my own time.

Oh look, Ailsa has beaten me to it. Middle ground minds think alike, etc.

― PJ Miller (PJ Miller), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 12:31 (seventeen years ago) link

Ailsa, Little House on the Prairie is great, foo.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 19 December 2006 12:56 (seventeen years ago) link

one month passes...

YOU ARE A TEMP, YOU HAVE BEEN HERE THREE DAYS, SHUT UP

― temporary enrique (temporary enrique), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 13:22 (seventeen years ago) link

I actually sort of yelled at my client/boss AND her office assistant yesterday for fucking up a 12-page event program booklet that I had worked all day on, telling me I had to redo it all and change from legal size paper to letter, then admitting the next morning that it was better as legal size and asking me to change it back. I hadn't saved a copy of the InDesign file in the original format, of course.

― The PEW Research Center for Panty-Twisting (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 13:52 (seventeen years ago) link

"I hear ya."

"Safe home."

"Happy Friday!"

SHUT UP

― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 14:53 (seventeen years ago) link

"don't go on the internet it breaks the computer"

"but i want to look at romanian donkey porn eileen"

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 15:47 (seventeen years ago) link

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/A_size_illustration.png/300px-A_size_illustration.png

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 14 February 2007 15:51 (seventeen years ago) link

RJG, do you have one of those for envelope sizes that I can give to my co-worker?

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 15 February 2007 09:44 (seventeen years ago) link

http://www.idealuk.co.uk/images/sizes.gif

this sort of thing? unless they're wanting to envelope an A0

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 15 February 2007 09:50 (seventeen years ago) link

FOUR DAYS. STILL SHUT UP NOW.

― temporary enrique (temporary enrique), Thursday, 15 February 2007 09:59 (seventeen years ago) link

My CEO, this morning:

(loudly) "MAAAAATLOOOOOCCKKKK!"

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:12 (seventeen years ago) link

I'm not sure wether that is insane or effing brill because he knows the Simpsons. Which now I think about it is actually really funny because he is the spit image of Jay the Critic.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:13 (seventeen years ago) link

LOOK AT MY FACE. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

― temporary enrique (temporary enrique), Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Pefect! I have a co-worker who insists on calling a DL an A6.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 15 February 2007 11:21 (seventeen years ago) link

the C6 is the sized for an A6

DL is completely diff proportions, obviously

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 15 February 2007 11:24 (seventeen years ago) link

YOU CAN'T SPELL BASIC ENGLISH WORDS.

― temporary enrique (temporary enrique), Thursday, 15 February 2007 11:58 (seventeen years ago) link

We have a book with columns he has drawn in with a ruler and which we have to tick every time we use an envelope so he can assign the 4p or whatever to our budget code. The envelopes in the cupboard are C4, C5 and DL but he has written A4, A5 and A6 in the book. In very bad handwriting, too.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 15 February 2007 12:06 (seventeen years ago) link

this guy is not a moron but he talks v low and eats w/ a really clicky jaw shut up!

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 15 February 2007 13:56 (seventeen years ago) link

DL also called E6/5 I believe?

― Ole Martin Halck (OleM), Thursday, 15 February 2007 17:39 (seventeen years ago) link

Today i've been called a rebel and an anarchist.

Is it any fucking wonder i'm going part time?

― anemotionalfish (pisces), Thursday, 15 February 2007 17:56 (seventeen years ago) link

I'd be proud to be called a rebel and an anarchist.

― The PEW Research Center for Panty-Twisting (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 15 February 2007 18:08 (seventeen years ago) link

You are a rebel and an anarchist sir!

― kv_nol (kv_nol), Friday, 16 February 2007 10:00 (seventeen years ago) link

(Puffs out chest proudly, then notices man-boobs and hunches over again.)

― The PEW Research Center for Panty-Twisting (Rock Hardy), Friday, 16 February 2007 14:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Woman, 40, narrow hips, "ballet" pumps, assiduously groomed hair, retrieving her skinny latte and chatting with a buddy:

"Did you see that with Britney? It looks like she had a real... knockdown! I mean, not that I care."

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Monday, 19 February 2007 11:00 (seventeen years ago) link

my co-worker just made a lunch which smells like he was warming up garbage in the microwave. I want to kill him.

― Ms Misery (MsMisery), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

900 "test" emails GAAAAAAAAHHH IT WORKS ALREADY

― danno martinez (danno martinez), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:17 (seventeen years ago) link

I have a colleague who is a director of something important who I suspect is barely functionally literate. Like, she's not in danger of poisoning her family because she can't read the box of Borax or anything, but her emails are 1) often unpunctuated, 2) contain multiple misspellings and wrong homonyms, and c) reveal that she didn't read or understand your previous query, because she has answered some question that you didn't even ask, and that's IF you can tell what her sentence fragments mean at all.

It might sound like I'm being picky/catty but a bunch of us have acted on her information only to find that it was the wrong thing to do and it's going to cost anywhere from hundreds to thousands of dollars to fix BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T READ WHAT WE ASKED HER and/or ANSWER IN A COMPREHENSIBLE WAY. And no one will ever hold her accountable.

― Laurel (Laurel), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:24 (seventeen years ago) link

the director of one our major uni services is notorious for similar, incomprehensible emails. Recently he emailed my co-worker the following: "Chris....I need your email."

― Ms Misery (MsMisery), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:26 (seventeen years ago) link

I work at a centre co-ordinating counselling and stress management services. Someone phoned in, evidently very distressed, I passed them onto a counsellor. Counsellor asked them if they felt they were suicidal or likely to do themselves harm, and would they be safe until a proper referral could be made. Fellow temp found this hilarious, giggling behind her hand to me and asking "what sort of question is that to ask someone?" I'm guessing she's not really cut out for this environment. I don't let her answer the phone.

― i hate temping (ailsa_xx), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Oh god Laurel, we work with the same person! Except this person is my boss thingy!

I don't know how many emails I have gotten with just a MS Outlook calendar file in them. That's it. No text, usually no subject line... And I CAN'T OPEN THOSE FUCKING FILES AND I HAVE REPEATEDLY ASKED FOR A TEXT EQUIVALENT OF WHAT THE EMAIL IS ABOUT BUT IT NEVER HAPPENS

So I ignore those emails now.

― danno martinez (danno martinez), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Yes, Sam, that's exactly the kind of thing. Last time it happened, she fucked someone over by responding "yes" when the correct answer was "no". It'd be one thing to get confused and ask someone to clarify if you have a question, but yes/no questions are not that difficult. Especially ones that go "Did task X get done? If not, we'll need to do it now, so please let us know." Three weeks later no one has done task X and it is now a) a job for my department because it was left so late, and b) A FREAKING FUCK-ALL RUSH, HOLY SHIT GET THIS READY ON TIME!!!!!1!2212!!.

― Laurel (Laurel), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:38 (seventeen years ago) link

My boss/client and I both declined to chase down an advertiser who is an illiterate moran, even though he said he wanted to run a 2-page full-color spread in the issue we just finished. Probably not very good business sense, but he is such a mizzerble tool to deal with.

― Bellicose Veins (Rock Hardy), Monday, 19 February 2007 19:38 (seventeen years ago) link

um laurel's director is my boss. is there just something about upper management that makes them incapable of writing a complete sentence and/or reading e-mails properly?

― maunders (maunders), Monday, 19 February 2007 20:01 (seventeen years ago) link

My boss takes on too much crap, and so he takes everyone he bumps into at their word that things are going how they should be - when he often has no idea what is actually going on. Which results in a lot of "yes yes sure thats all on track" and dismissive "dont worry about it" gestures. Only for me to find 4 weeks later, as the most recent example, that we're entirely out of the internet hardware we sell as our core fucking business. The same hardware I've been saying for over six weeks we need new stock of (it has to ship from the US and takes ages) and been dismissed with "let management handle it".

Morons.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 19 February 2007 21:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Ah the gems of Becky the waitress...

"I've got a headache"
"You're probably a bit dehydrated, have you had any fluids?"
"What are fluids?"

"Give us a couple of quid out of the till, Becks."
"How much is a couple?"

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 20 February 2007 10:24 (seventeen years ago) link

We did have one branch manager who had the "illiterate emails" problem described. Any emails he sent to my boss complaining about the service we gave him, my boss wouldn't even bother to read - he'd pass them to me for translation into legible English first.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Tuesday, 20 February 2007 10:29 (seventeen years ago) link

Ah well, at least you guys have written proof of stupidity to help their superiors find out where all bodies are buried.

Also for bloody ages there was this upper management thing where email was for underlings, eg 'I have minions to do that for me' at least in Britain.

― suzy artskooldisko (suzy artskooldisko), Tuesday, 20 February 2007 10:41 (seventeen years ago) link

Well it's typing, innit.

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 20 February 2007 10:44 (seventeen years ago) link

bloke here has just changed the toner catridge in the printer. the old cartridge is plonked on top of the new box on the floor about 3 feet away (rather than being put somewhere tidy), he didn't tear off the tear-off strip that stops all the toner falling out during transit and then put (unrecyclable) tear off strip in the recycling bin. still at least he got his printing done (multiple sheets, single sided, diagrams taking up the top third of each). sigh.

― koogs (koogs), Tuesday, 20 February 2007 14:15 (seventeen years ago) link

"I've got a headache"
"You're probably a bit dehydrated, have you had any fluids?"
"What are fluids?"
LOL

― Lingbert (Lingbert), Tuesday, 20 February 2007 17:05 (seventeen years ago) link

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