100 ways Michael Grade can save ITV

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1. Shoot Ross Kemp through the skull

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 13:57 (nineteen years ago)

2. Bring back "That's My Dog". In fact, bring back the whole TSW franchise.

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 13:59 (nineteen years ago)

3. Number 73!

― carson dial, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:02 (nineteen years ago)

4. Understand that nobody wants to watch motor sports at 1am, or stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.

― Ste, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:03 (nineteen years ago)

5. More shirts and haircuts like http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/2516/soitgoes1xw2.gif

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:05 (nineteen years ago)

Replace The Mint with Tommy Boyd's Human Zoo.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:06 (nineteen years ago)

7. Put wide-ranging selections of archived ITV material up on the website for free streaming or fee-based download, adopting the philosophy 'no matter how bad it was, someone somewhere might want to have a look and decide for themselves'.

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:07 (nineteen years ago)

8. Dig up Uncle Lew, put a cigar in the corpse's mouth and make him dance the Charleston.

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:08 (nineteen years ago)

Love Thy Neighbour, The Wheeltappers And Shunters Social Club, Mind Your Language...
(xpost)

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:09 (nineteen years ago)

9. and ditch those fucking holiday rep shit arse programmes ffs!

― Ste, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:10 (nineteen years ago)

99. Understand that nobody wants to watch stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.
99. Understand that nobody wants to watch stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.
99. Understand that nobody wants to watch stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.
99. Understand that nobody wants to watch stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.
99. Understand that nobody wants to watch stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.
99. Understand that nobody wants to watch stupid phone in quizzes for 4 hours straight.

― M Grout (Mark Grout), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:11 (nineteen years ago)

Harry Hill's TV Burp on more often

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:13 (nineteen years ago)

11. Corrie back on twice a week as per the old days.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:14 (nineteen years ago)

12. Get rid of The Bill

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:26 (nineteen years ago)

13. Bring back the 1962-64 Wales (West and North) Television franchise (but NOT the TWW-run Teledu Cymru!).

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:27 (nineteen years ago)

14. Show only pre-1998 episodes of The Bill.

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:27 (nineteen years ago)

11 seems like a very good idea

― RJG, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:29 (nineteen years ago)

How do we know that Mr Grade hasn't just walked into his new ITV office today, became a Dom troll, and started this thread?

― Ste, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

The Bill is quite good these days.

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:44 (nineteen years ago)

15. http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/a/a1/Anglia1970s.jpg

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:45 (nineteen years ago)

how come Buttez is so into these sorts of issues (British media)?

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:47 (nineteen years ago)

Orson Welles' Great Mysteries was bad enough the first time around.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:47 (nineteen years ago)

Buttez does what he likes, son.

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:48 (nineteen years ago)

I think it's supposed to be a Carmody parody.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:48 (nineteen years ago)

Buttez does what he likes, son.

that hardly satisifies my curiosity, uncle. i just can't imagine a brit posting on threads about australian media much - just seems unusual.

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:50 (nineteen years ago)

I think it's supposed to be a Carmody parody.

Uhhhhhh, no.

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:50 (nineteen years ago)

i just can't imagine a brit posting on threads about australian media much - just seems unusual.

You should read my pieces on Australian media sometime!

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:51 (nineteen years ago)

where r they?

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:53 (nineteen years ago)

They were posted the same time as Billy Bunter's postal order.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:56 (nineteen years ago)

I'm not going to link them, through. I wrote them sometime ago when I was more interested in media study and they're a bit shit ^___^

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:56 (nineteen years ago)

I know I'm going to get shouted down for suggesting it, but wasn't ITV always crap except for Coronation St?

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:12 (nineteen years ago)

Rising Damp was OK.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:13 (nineteen years ago)

New version of Rising Damp with Michael Richards playing Rigsby.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:13 (nineteen years ago)

Brand new Chart Show (but with the original computer graphics), for the nth time

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:15 (nineteen years ago)

"World of Sport", with real wrestling

― ste, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:18 (nineteen years ago)

Late night "lol kitsch" packages would be a good idea actually, four hours of World of Sport, Mind Your Language, The Comedians, late 70s dramas about 1920s aristocracy, et al.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:20 (nineteen years ago)

I know I'm going to get shouted down for suggesting it, but wasn't ITV always crap except for Coronation St?

ihttp://www.vayatele.com/images/the%20prisoner.jpg

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:28 (nineteen years ago)

ITV's 50 GREATEST SHOWS
The Top 50, chosen by viewers from a list drawn up by ITV controllers, aired on Saturday 10 September 2005, presented by Phillip Schofield and Cat Deeley
1 Coronation Street
2 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway
3 A Touch of Frost
4 Inspector Morse
5 Emmerdale
6 I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!
7 The Bill
8 The Muppet Show
9 Pop Idol
10 Spitting Image
11 Cold Feet
12 Cracker
13 This Morning
14 Footballers' Wives
15 Minder
16 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
17 The Avengers
18 Prime Suspect
19 The Sweeney
20 Tiswas
21 Rising Damp
22 Stars in Their Eyes
23 Upstairs Downstairs
24 Hillsborough
25 The Kenny Everett Video Show
26 An Audience With...
27 The Darling Buds of May
28 The World at War
29 The Naked Civil Servant
30 The Prisoner
31 Seven Up
32 World In Action
33 The Benny Hill Show
34 Brideshead Revisited
35 Blind Date
36 Jimmy's
37 Sunday Night at the London Palladium
38 Heartbeat
39 Survival
40 Death on The Rock
41 Ready, Steady, Go!
42 The South Bank Show
43 This Is Your Life
44 Candid Camera
45 Tonight With Trevor McDonald
46 The Jewel in the Crown
47 Whicker's World
48 Opportunity Knocks
49 It'll Be Alright on the Night
50 Family Fortunes

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:31 (nineteen years ago)

from a list drawn up by ITV controllers

no embarrassing Love Thy Neighbour at number one, then.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:33 (nineteen years ago)

those ITV controllers really over-value Footballers Wives

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:35 (nineteen years ago)

Isn't that just a list of everything ITV have ever done.

minus Game For A Laugh.

That top ten is fucking woeful

― Ste, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:36 (nineteen years ago)

But loads of those programmes are shite.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:36 (nineteen years ago)

and minus World Of Sport, and Armchair Theatre, and On The Buses, and A Bouquet Of Barbed Wire, and Please Sir, and Thunderbirds, and Man In A Suitcase, and Up The Elephant And Round The Castle, and Hardwick House, and Tom Connor's Big Night Out, and Robert's Robots, and Little Big Time, and Junior Showtime, and New Faces, and Bright's Boffins, and

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:40 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.imdb.com/company/co0042582/

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:41 (nineteen years ago)

these were all pretty good at one point or another imo:

1 Coronation Street
2 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway
3 A Touch of Frost
4 Inspector Morse
7 The Bill
8 The Muppet Show
9 Pop Idol
10 Spitting Image
12 Cracker
16 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
17 The Avengers
18 Prime Suspect
19 The Sweeney
20 Tiswas
26 An Audience With...
28 The World at War
30 The Prisoner
31 Seven Up
32 World In Action
33 The Benny Hill Show
34 Brideshead Revisited
35 Blind Date
39 Survival
40 Death on The Rock
41 Ready, Steady, Go!
42 The South Bank Show
47 Whicker's World
48 Opportunity Knocks
49 It'll Be Alright on the Night
50 Family Fortunes

i left some out that i've never seen. i would need to see Minder again to see if it's any good but based on memory i can't see what made it that much better than, say, Boon.

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:43 (nineteen years ago)

I liked Boon.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:45 (nineteen years ago)

The Bob Downe Special (1996) (TV) ... Distributor (1996) (UK)

Bob Downe! Wow, that's a name I've not thought about since... well, 1996.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:47 (nineteen years ago)

Re. Minder/Boon controversy:

I Could Be So Good For You >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hi Ho Silver

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:48 (nineteen years ago)

Up The Elephant And Round The Castle

ahem

― nu_onimo (nu_onimo), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:48 (nineteen years ago)

Wasn't Only When I Laugh on ITV? That was good.

What was the last good comedy prog on ITV?

― pfunkboy (Kerr), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:48 (nineteen years ago)

Skipping 13 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

(That was an xpost)

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:54 (nineteen years ago)

What was the name of that comedy singing act from Live and Kicking, two women, something Sister? They were Australian as well.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:54 (nineteen years ago)

Last good comedy prog on ITV?

I'm willing to consider Monkey Trousers

― Ron Lucas, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:55 (nineteen years ago)

ITV is the televisual equivalent of the Daily Mail. The only way to save it would be to kill every single one of its regular viewers.

― Sandbox Scourage, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:55 (nineteen years ago)

Ah yes, Girls On Top (Ruby Wax-related xpost).

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:55 (nineteen years ago)

First series of Hardware was OK/the last non-rubbish thing Martin Freeman will ever be involved with in his life.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:55 (nineteen years ago)

CROSSROADS

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:55 (nineteen years ago)

HE HAD A HAT AND THE SETS FELL DOWN LOL

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:56 (nineteen years ago)

Martin Freeman is a terrible DJ. "Um, er, that was Forty Thousand, um, Headmen by, um, er, Traffic, and that was, like, really good, and they were, um, really something, you know, as a, um, er, group..."

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:57 (nineteen years ago)

HE CLIMBED UP THE LADDER AND NEVER CAME DOWN AGAIN

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:57 (nineteen years ago)

I was just pointing out examples of programmes not on the list in a Stalinist history-rewriting way; I didn't say they were any good.

Yeah sorry MC, I misread.

― nu_onimo (nu_onimo), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:57 (nineteen years ago)

Wasn't the last series of The Goodies on ITV?

Eric & Ernie had a spell there too.

― nu_onimo (nu_onimo), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:58 (nineteen years ago)

HELLO MISS DIANE

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:58 (nineteen years ago)

HE CLIMBED UP THE LADDER AND NEVER CAME DOWN AGAIN

you're thinking of the Pink Windmill Show

― #, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 15:58 (nineteen years ago)

(actually DW only wrote the lyrics, Gerard Kenny wrote the music, but anyway...)
-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), November 28th, 2006 3:53 PM. (later)

No, his wife did. The Lyrics, that is.

― M Grout (Mark Grout), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:00 (nineteen years ago)

Perhaps Micky Grade should do away with all reality TV shows and commission a few good sitcoms instead.

I saw that new Jennifer Saunders "Jam & Jerusalem" thing last week (over on BBC, I think) and it was absolutely dire. There are very few really excellent sitcoms around any more.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:00 (nineteen years ago)

Wasn't the last series of The Goodies on ITV?
Eric & Ernie had a spell there too.

Both were shite on ITV. M&W turned into an end of the pier act, The Goodies just collected a paycheck and fucked off.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:01 (nineteen years ago)

I'm sorry, but there really is no defence of ITV, from the shitty comedy to the shitty drama to Clive Shitty Tyldesly. As for Michael Grade, well, I refer you to Chris Morris for an opinion on him, regardless of whether he's a fellow Charlton fan or not.

Charlton's celebrity supporters: Michael Grade and Jim Davidson. Fucking yeah.

Good current sitcoms = PEEP SHOW SERIES THREE OUT ON DVD, must remember to buy...

― Sandbox Scourage, Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:01 (nineteen years ago)

Controversially I would propose that Morecambe and Wise were always an end-of-the-pier act who were lucky to get Eddie Braben to write for them/make them interesting while they were at the BBC. When they didn't have good material they struggled (cf. both '60s and '80s ITV shows).

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:10 (nineteen years ago)

Mrs Waterman, eh? 1980 so it wouldn't have been Rula.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:12 (nineteen years ago)

A quick google reveals that it was written in 1979 by Patricia Waterman.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

I've been enjoying Brideshead Revisited on ITV3. It finished just the other night. Good, meaty 90-min episodes, too.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/fd/Thames.jpg
http://www.jedisparadise.co.uk/childrenstv/Rainbow/rainbow11.jpg

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 16:37 (nineteen years ago)

What was the name of that comedy singing act from Live and Kicking, two women, something Sister? They were Australian as well.

Supergirly. Can I add the Doug Anthony Allstars onto the list of "shite Aussie comedians that got one shot on UK TV before pissing off back home again" - except I think they were on BBC.

ITV had Cracker when it was good and At Home With The Braithwaites and Coronation Street (agree totally it should go back to twice a week) so it's not all bad. They really should give up on their ex-soap-star-drama-vehicles though, as they are almost always terrible.

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 18:50 (nineteen years ago)

i like the private eye cartoon of a couple watching their television set and saying to each other "of course rupert murdoch wants to buy itv - it's rubbish!"

today's ariel - nary a word

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 28 November 2006 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

Doug Anthony Allstars weren't too bad!

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 13:28 (nineteen years ago)

I couldn't disagree more re: Eric and Ernie, Marcello. Morecambe had the sweet art of being painfully funny without any material, just standing there dicking about. Ernie was functional, I'll give you that.

― Domino Man (Modal Fugue), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 13:38 (nineteen years ago)

You never really see them dicking about on ITV, though - the ITV shows were very tightly scripted, and you can tell (though Morecambe does make a useful cameo appearance in Ben's Derek Bailey book).

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 13:48 (nineteen years ago)

Surely, ITV's major claim to decent TV is/was in kids shows?

Dangermouse, Duckula, Rainbow, Pipkins, Jmaie and The Magic Torch, Magpie, Metal Mickey, Tiswas, Chorlton and the Wheelies! Do Not Adjust Your Set!

And i'm sure there are loads more.

― Innocent_Boksen, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:02 (nineteen years ago)

Press Gang, SM:TV, Knightmare, Bad Influence (as informative but not as entertaining as Gamesmaster*), Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Art Attack (not as good as Tony Hart stuff tho obv.), How 2

*still bizarre that even in this digital cable age there is no decent programme about games/games culture on a major TV channel

― Gaz Top, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:17 (nineteen years ago)

I think they think anyone into games enough to watch a games show is probably too busy playing games to watch a games show.

― nu_onimo (nu_onimo), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:20 (nineteen years ago)

*still bizarre that even in this digital cable age there is no decent programme about games/games culture on a major TV channel

http://www.bbc.co.uk/scotland/tv/videogaiden/

Best show on tv at the moment, sir.

― Dom Passantino (DomPassantino), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:27 (nineteen years ago)

Gaz frigging Top...

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:28 (nineteen years ago)

Doesn't everyone get their games information from the internet? Those losers know everything about games.

These are all good points about ITV programmes, especially the children's ones (although Danger Mouse doesn't really stand up to repeat viewing) but I still can't help the fact that I was brought up on BBC shows (despite living in Ireland, oh, can we never throw off our cultural shackles, etc.) and therefore still think of ITV as the home of 3-2-1 and Saturday afternoon wrestling while the BBC has The Generation Game and Wimbledon. I can't help it.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:31 (nineteen years ago)

BBC Scotland does not count as a major channel.

i forgot to mention The Trap Door above.

― Nam Rood, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:31 (nineteen years ago)

They're bringing back 3-2-1 next year you know.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:33 (nineteen years ago)

with Russel Brand as host no doubt.

― Melvyn Bragg, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:34 (nineteen years ago)

I'll take 3-2-1 and Giant Haystacks over The Generation Game and Wimbledon any day.

― Domino Man (Modal Fugue), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:34 (nineteen years ago)

I don't think they're bringing back Giant Haystacks.

― [electric sound of] esteban buttez (Estie Buttez), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:40 (nineteen years ago)

the motherfuckers wouldn't know how to act

― Shirley Crabtree, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:41 (nineteen years ago)

I'll take 3-2-1 and Giant Haystacks over The Generation Game and Wimbledon any day.

Good for you. Get your whippets off my lawn while you're about it.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:45 (nineteen years ago)

MINISTRY OF MAYHEM

― tissp! (tissp!), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:48 (nineteen years ago)

SMTV > Get Fresh > Motormouth > Ministry Of Mayhem

― Gail Porter, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:51 (nineteen years ago)

Ministry of Mayhem had vague racism, swearing, sexual innuendo and midget abuse though.

― tissp! (tissp!), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:54 (nineteen years ago)

if i want those i'll just watch This Morning.

― John Leslie, Wednesday, 29 November 2006 14:56 (nineteen years ago)

Tiny Toons was aces, but being shown on ITV != being made by ITV, so it counts as being ITV as much as, say, LA Law or Baywatch.

I liked the Doug Anthony Allstars the few times when I saw them in Edinburgh, but their TV show sucked which was completely embarrassing as me and my pal Katie had told everyone we knew at university to watch it as they were really funny and then everyone watched it and therefore failed to trust us as a barometer of humour from that point on: "haha, you liked those shitty Australian singing blokes, haha, losers" etc.

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 18:22 (nineteen years ago)

Tiny Toons was aces, but being shown on ITV != being made by ITV

You could say much the same about any channel though. What they decide to screen is what makes it ITV, and it's usually drivel.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

I think it's a minimum of 25% made by independents in the BBC's case.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 18:27 (nineteen years ago)

Violently purge the cast and crew behind 99% of their output. That would be a start. They could even turn it into a new reality TV show: Can the one celebrity left his or her eye sight partly intact lead 99 of his blinded comrades back home to decadent TV land?

― Andronicus (The One and Only Andronicus Co), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 18:30 (nineteen years ago)

You could say much the same about any channel though. What they decide to screen is what makes it ITV, and it's usually drivel.

OK, what I mean is the quality of your American imports do not define a channel. Or shouldn't. At least in the case of the two main national channels. If we're talking about the quality of home-grown programmes, ITV is miles behind the BBC.

― ailsa_xx (ailsa_xx), Wednesday, 29 November 2006 19:01 (nineteen years ago)

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