did your parents actually use the metaphor of the birds and the bees to explain sex to you

because up until 5 minutes ago I never understood how that was supposed to be helpful until I just wikipedia'd it

now I finally understand why the penis is inserted into the vagina, thank u wikipedia

They never explained anything.

i still don't know what the birds and the bees refers to

(off to wikipedia i go)

or, rephrase that, i still don't know why it refers to that

^ yup. came home at the age of 17 to find a library book for 8 year olds called 'your changing body' on my dresser. threw it behind the paneling on the wall, and never heard from/talked about it again. parents probably owe a lot in fines.

yr mom gave me an interactive demonstration

oh really? what did she use

They never explained anything.

^^ this

My dad, when I was about 15 asked me if i felt I knew enough already to understand the basic process. I said yes. He said that's good. End of discussion.

yr mom gave me an interactive demonstration

― blah blah blah (є(٥_ ٥)э), Thursday, December 8, 2011 12:33 AM (33 minutes ago)

that must have been weird cus she's old

it wasn't weird when she gave me one

Mama Bean really gets around, huh?

I don't think you understand - there were lights

http://thebungalowtampa.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/4-ft-large-bean-bag-chair.jpg

I don't know what that has to do with anything, but it came up when I GISed "mama bean"

this seems like it would just add another level of confusion for kids:

"According to tradition, the birds and the bees is a metaphorical story sometimes told to children in an attempt to explain the mechanics and good consequences of sexual intercourse through reference to easily observed natural events. For instance, bees carry and deposit pollen into flowers, a visible and easy-to-explain example of male fertilisation. Another example, birds lay eggs, a similarly visible and easy-to-explain example of female ovulation."

"so uh, you use that thing you have there and it's kinda like you're depositing pollen into a bird who will then lay an egg"

"the bee flies into the bird up its you-know-hole"

awkward metaphors made redundant by internet porn

my son loves to look out the window at birds and for a long time he'd call them bees. like he'd point out at one and go "BEEEE!" very insistently. i don't know how this actually relates to the birds and bees thing but it always makes me think of it, obviously.

My dad, when I was about 15 asked me if i felt I knew enough already to understand the basic process. I said yes. He said that's good. End of discussion.

had the same chat w/my dad at 13. later, when I was "dating" he followed up:

"Sex is nice but don't get anybody pregnant" *glares*

My parents never explained it to me -- I think they were too embarrassed. Fortunately we had HBO and Cinemax, so they did the job.

They didn't have to explain anything to me. I was reading the encyclopedia by the time I was 7.

my dad didn't mention anything until i was 16 or 17 or so.

then, as we were putting up a ridiculous christmas light display outside, he asked me for the male end of the cord. i hesitated because i'd never heard the term before. i'm not handy and i'm barely 1/3 of a man.

when he saw me pause, he just started yelling. "THE MALE END IS THE ONE WITH THE PRONGS!! THE FEMALE END IS THE ONE WITH THE HOLES!! THE MALE PUTS THE PRONGS INTO THE HOLES, LIKE SEX!!". i told him that i knew that (whatever in the world "that" was), but he was sweating and we put the rest of the lights up in silence.

we had so much catholicism mixed into the sex explanation from our parents i got confused so when the woman who lived behind us was raped by an intruder i told my best friend in highly delicate terms that the rapist had tried to force her to have a baby, since there had been all this insistence that procreation was the entire purpose of the sex act, and then my friend told her mother about this shocking and bizarre near-natal event who then told my mother who then told me off for being silly, and then the same week i watched the movie 'great expectations' and somehow in my mind miss havisham and her spider webby wedding remnants got all mixed up in the business and i ended up feeling terrified and ashamed. i think i would have been better instructed by the spectral bold smokers behind the bike sheds who my parents, with their sensible talk about a beautiful gift from god, were trying to preempt.

honestly Z S, you are such a <3.

honestly

<3 <3

another brief anecdote related to learning about sex is that in my 7th grade health class, the teacher told us that he was going to play a short film about sex, and if we could get it through it without laughing, we would get a pizza party. we all solemnly took this oath not to laugh. but about halfway through, there was an animation of an erection swinging up, and i lost it and started laughing really hard. i couldn't stop, and then everyone else started laughing too, before the realization that the pizza party had been lost. they were PISSED. but, plus side, we got to laugh at the rest of the film with no remorse.

haha I totally forgot about the carrot at the end of a stick that was 'pizza parties'

I don't recall ever hearing the birds and bees thing until I was grown up. My parents never mentioned anything about sex to me until I was 20 and they caught me spending the night with a girl (who ironically I never had sex with).

I would never have figured out pollenation had anything to do with human reproduction even if I had heard about it. I associate pollen with allergies, not sex.

caught? At your place or hers?

My mother was anything but reticent when it came to sex ed: we had a copy of ” what's happening to me?” in our house ever since I can remember, and it was of much interest to me. I never got The Talk, but my mum would answer any question I asked pretty much straight-up. Like the time I yelled out to her ” what's sodomy mean?” And she replied matter-of-factly ”it's when a man puts his penis up someones bum”.

Also memorable: ” what's nymphomaniac mean?”
” a lady who likes to have sex a lot” I think I was about 8 when I asked that one.

> caught? At your place or hers?

I often stayed out on weekends until 1 or 2am and my parents usually went to bed before that and I'd lock up when I got home, after they were asleep. They usually slept in 'til 11am or so on weekends, so I thought I was safe spending the night with a girl I dated about 3 times as long as I woke up early and drove home and snuck in quietly at 9am before my folks awakened. But instead for some reason they decided to stay up until 6am waiting for me that night and I still wasn't home. My mother went ballistic the next day asking what time I came home. "I dunno, I didn't check the clock". She was like, WE WERE UP TIL 6 IN THE MORNING AND YOU WERE STILL OUT. I knew I'd been caught. I thought about offering up a story about crashing at a friend's house because I was too tired to drive home safely, but then I lost my composure and instead decided to tell her a 20-year-old is old enough to sleep with a girl. The next day my dad wanted to make sure I knew how to use a condom....

But in retrospect, 20 is too old to still be living with your parents....

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing,
bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my
understanding --

we had a copy of ” what's happening to me?” in our house ever since I can remember

lol at calling a gentle sex-ed primer WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!?!, it's like a safeword

this is a great thread, i think how you found out & the hilarious period in which you had to fill in the gaps in your knowledge beforehand are lovely & amusing to remember

They didn't have to explain anything to me. I was reading the encyclopedia by the time I was 7.

^^^^ completely. I felt like Matilda.

I remember looking up "Father Christmas" in the encyclopedia and learning the whole history of the myth. I was interested rather than surprised or irate, and I don't think I blamed my parents for not telling me the truth because even at that age I remember thinking that they were just doing what parents do, it's not their fault. Although I can't remember, I would imagine my reaction to finding out how sex works would have been very similar.

I should be surprised (given the fields I've worked in) at how little sex ed stuff people get at home and yet I still am.

I read "Are you there, God? It's me Margaret" in 3rd grade and wound up with a bunch of questions about periods so that's when I got that talk. She was also very active in PTA stuff and campaigned heavily for them to include a lesson on STDs and HIV in our middle school health class which they eventually did.

When I was about 13 my mom made me watch a very special episode of Oprah with her about mothers and teen daughters talking about sex. I think by that point I sort of knew most stuff anyway. I remember her telling me that if I ever needed birth control I could come to her. Yeah, right. When I actually did become sexually active at 17 my parents were the last people I wanted to involve in the business but at least I knew what was going on.

My dad never said a word to me about sex until college. One Christmas my mom gave me an Anne Geddes book with babies in pots and stuff (yeah, cause that's really my thing :/) and when I opened it my dad said, "YOU JUST KEEP TAKING THOSE PILLS SO YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THOSE". Thanks dad, Merry Christmas!

First line should have read "shouldn't" be surprised.

One Christmas my mom gave me an Anne Geddes book with babies in pots and stuff (yeah, cause that's really my thing :/) and when I opened it my dad said, "YOU JUST KEEP TAKING THOSE PILLS SO YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THOSE". Thanks dad, Merry Christmas!

lol parents sending mixed messages

In Finland the metaphor is called "bees and flowers" (there even used to be a condom brand called that), which makes a bit more sense, I guess. I've always kinda wondered why Americans talk about "birds and bees", I didn't realize they were two different metaphors, instead of being parts of the one.

My parents rented a weird video from the library to try to explain it to me: Dr. D's Birds and Bees

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csGVoCT6wFI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3kBRQbakuM&feature=related

iirc it didn't even explain sex, just that your socks might not fit anymore

omg

curious orange's dad otm

can't believe you got sex-ed from a pierogi

http://www.tedstakefive.com/pierogidc.gif

whu-hoa @ Dr. D

I managed about 1/3 of a Piers Anthony book, but when the bad guy stripped the heroine to the waist and started torturing her for information with a cattle prod to the breasts, I put it down, washed my hands and reread a Larry Niven novel.

lol I had to google to see which book that was (Bearing An Hourglass) because I didn't remember that at all

On A Pale Horse is still the best of that series IMO

wait actually I read a little bit more, apparently it wasn't that book so now I have no idea what you were reading

sounds horrifying anyway

ha, had forgotten about the old joy of sex, but um, yes. that was around too. as were some of those clan of the cave bear books! eesh.

Oh wow, my grandma bought me that book. It was even weirder for us boys. There's a section on circumcision wherein they say that it had no effect on penis size, and as reinforcement they went on to encourage us to take a look at other guys junk the next time we were in a showerroom. Which I guess would have been okay back when the book was first published in the 70s, but by the late 90s was about the worst advice ever.

― Tumblr Whites Off Earth Now!! (Sandbox Grisso-McCain), Friday, December 9, 2011 12:46 AM (15 hours ago) Bookmark Perm

yep that was the book

The old Joy of Sex was really hetero and obviously not for children, but as far as learning about sex from a parental porn-stash goes, I could have done much worse (one bit I still remember is the advice not to put on deodorant before you have sex because you don't want your lover to end up with a mouthful of deodorant should your lover decide to lick your (hairy) armpit, so I at least learned that there was potentially a lot more to sex than penis-in-vagina-ejaculation-baby).

Clan of the Cave Bear was definitely o_O, even to my young self.

Frankly I think I may have learned about sex from one of those "How to keep your husband happy at home" books. I don't think it was the Saran-wrap one but it wasn't far off. There were instructions for learning to walk in a more seductive way (like your hips are a basketball that hangs on a string from your spine), to do your hair the way he likes it (long), to charm his business associates, to use candles instead of the overhead if you were insecure about your appearance under your clothes.

haha I thought you meant overhead projector

your appearance under your clothes
what a weird way to talk about nudity!

My parents never told me anything. In 4th grade, though, the school nurse came into our classroom and the boys were separated from the girls and we were told about sex. She had a life-size replica of the female reproductive system, with a clear plastic overlay so you could see the inside. She kept sticking a pencil into the vagina to simulate sex. We were all pretty much horrified.

THEN when I turned 13 someone brought over a porno VHS to my party... that was truly horrific to my 13 year old eyes. It was a 70's porn and full of sweaty pubic hair.

What is is about "porno" that's so funny. It makes me laugh. The abbreviation no porn in general although some does for sure. "Porno" just sounds so funny. Hey, wanna watch a porno?

all of the didactic examples that horrified people itt sound so depressingly accurate to me, it's v sad

a porno? grebt! we can play it on my pornograph.

haha

my mum gave me a book called which was fairly uncool but generally good really, obv you've heard a certain amount but it did fill in some blanks.

oops, it was called BOYS TALK

Speaking of filling in blanks

Oh wow, the clumsiness of the phrase "a porno" has always been an innocuous thing that makes me irrationally angry.

In Germany and Holland at least (Sweden too?) it's called a "porno", countries that all were pioneers in the art of porn. Maybe it seeped through to English that way?

(one bit I still remember is the advice not to put on deodorant before you have sex because you don't want your lover to end up with a mouthful of deodorant should your lover decide to lick your (hairy) armpit,

This is the one that stuck with me as well.

It just occurred to me that I spent many autumns in my childhood seeing deer rutting in our yard so birds and bees may have seemed relatively inapt

I have a certain fondness for TJoS for making sex seem less harrowing and more natural - but then I grew up amongst hippies and evangelicals and the excesses of both kind of terrified me as a child.

Porno was a 'thing' though. It was for me, at least, a videocasette and thus a discrete thing.

http://i.imgur.com/doDRH.jpg

Man, cervine sex really bummed me out as a kid; the harts would chase the does about for days and when the does finally consented, would get shagged for all of a minute or two. Ah, venery...

there are like 5 vocabulary words in that post
whoa!

I recently had vivid recollections of making out with my girlfriends at like 8 or 9 during sleep overs while playing bf/gf. I'm pretty sure a lot of girls do this but it doesn't really get talked about much? idk. Maybe it doesn't happen that often.

yeah this is def not just a girls thing

> recently had vivid recollections of making out with my girlfriends at like 8 or 9 during sleep overs while playing bf/gf. I'm pretty sure a lot of girls do this but it doesn't really get talked about much? idk. Maybe it doesn't happen that often.

> ― (~curious orange~), Thursday, December 8, 2011 3:25 PM

This is such a "d'oh" moment for me.....

I just now realized what you meant here, and why you thought my experience was completely a different thing because I was male. I was thinking your sleepovers were mixed-gender, and by "playing bf/gf" you were practicing kissing the boys even though you didn't really have feelings for each other; you were just pretending you were an actual couple by kissing, so you'd be a good kisser by the time you actually met a guy you were into. Oh, it was an all-girl sleepover, and one of you would pretend to be the boy (I somehow missed that the first time I read it). I definitely can't imagine this happening at an all-boy sleepover.

I recall sleepovers generally being more popular with girls, or maybe it was just that the parents of girls were more inclined to host a sleepover. The few sleepovers I remember were almost all co-ed though.

??? I never had a coed sleepover, and I can't imagine my parents allowing me to attend one.

x-post - Yeah, you're reading it right now.

I never had an co-ed sleepover either. LOL as if my parents would have allowed that anyway. Oh, I mean I guess after prom we all stayed at my friends house but that's sort of different. Anyway, my parents would have laughed if anyone had suggested a co-ed sleepover in middle school and I went to an all-girls HS so we didn't know many boys then.

I really don't see why parents should object with a co-ed sleepover for 8-year-olds, for whom boy/girl friendships are typically innocuous and completely nonsexual. And I assume that regardless of gender, there would be some sort of adult supervision at these things. I attended a summer day camp when i was 7 and there were a few times we had overnight stays, where we all brought our sleeping bags and slept either outdoors or in a big room inside if the weather wasn't good. I always wanted to cuddle up with a girl but they wouldn't let me. But nothing could have happened that 30 other people wouldn't have seen.

I think my dad tried to teach me about sex when I was ~10 years old by having me help load our mare into a trailer and take her to a farm where a gentleman horse reared up and jumped on her back as his great and terrible penis flopped at her hind quarters. I rooted for her, thinking it was some kind of wrestling.

Later, when I was about 15, we went into a Christian book store and he asked for a copy of a book called "God Invented Sex," but they didn't have it, so we left and didn't talk about sex again until many years later when he found out I was calling gay chat lines.

I guess I'll never understand sex.

you could say it was a kind of wrestling, actually

It was very confusing.

And she never got pregnant.

I only realized a year or two ago that our trip to the stud farm was supposed to be educational.

as his great and terrible penis flopped at her hind quarters

I could not let this bit of prose go unremarked.

dad caught me making out with a girl when i was maybe 16 and the next day while i fixed up a ham sandwich he fiercely blurted out 'you don't have to come in a girl to make her pregnant' then fled, i nearly died

jesus even now i'm traumatised thinkin bout it

I'd known since i was about ten that you could prod a girl's bellybutton and if she loved you you'd get babies i mean cmon dad we're both men of the world here

i was waiting for the ham sandwich to become a figure of speech ;_; xp

as metaphors go, it'd be laboured

When I was a little kid, up through maybe first grade, I had coed sleepovers with my next-door neighbor. Most of my sleepover activity was from 4th-8th grade though and it was all dudes, horror movies, music, and cheetos.

Then in high school, there were a handful of times when through patient, reasoned lobbying and persuasion of our parents, we pulled off a few epic coed sleepovers. Mostly, they didn't turn out to be very sexy.

Drama/threater people always managed coed sleepover cast parties after their shows wrapped though, and from what I heard, those turned out crazy gross sexy.

Yes, this is true. But I had a gf by the time I was involved with this, so I had to say no. But thanks.

as metaphors go, it'd be laboured

I could not let this bit of prose go unremarked.

So it seems about 95% of us didn't get any straight talk from either our parents or our schools. How sad...

Also, strange that what little sex ed that is taught focuses on the biology of reproduction, which is not what's most pertinent to teenagers. Why so little (or nothing) about the social or aspects of mating as it applies to real-life relationships, or some acknowledgement that most sexual activity by teens (or adults for that matter) does not occur because they're trying to make a baby?

Oh, we got taught that in school. There were two differents kinds of sex ed, one in biology class about reproduction, and one in "health education" (don't know what it's called in English, do you Anglos have this?) class about dating/puberty/safe sex/etc.

We had health class and we were supposed to cover some of the social aspects of sex, but instead my health teacher showed us infamous anti-abortion film The Silent Scream. I would say I hope she was eventually fired, but she was pretty old in 1988 so she's probably dead now.

xp Also, there's evidence that what teenagers want to learn in sex ed classes is the hard biological facts. I think they realize that whatever adults would be willing to teach them about the social aspects of sex would be wrong, anyway.

Damn, it's not that hard. Take her down to the 5 and dime, buy her a malted, she gives you her hand in marriage. There. You've had sex!

*pictures kids arriving at Dollar General, looking for the soda fountain counter, getting all confused*

r.i.p. the good old days

There was a soda fountain in the drug store by my jr high and we would hang out there after school sometimes. They also sold cheesesteaks.