That's such a Dad Joke!

(This was my dad's kind of dad joke.)

there are things that are not strictly jokes but, I dunno, witticisms, that a lot of Dads say. Like when I asked my Dad what day it was as a child he might say "Saturday. All day".

lots of these type things.

But my dad's jokes were not like that. His jokes were either of the long, complicated variety requiring funny accents, and possibly even costume changes or strange hats... or else they were utterly killing one-liners, usually under his breath in the manner of Basil Fawlty.

We were at this mad church in... err, Montreal or Quebec or somewhere... and as we were driving away, the holy rollers in the booth are trying to get a donation out of us, and asked "Have you put your contribution in the envelope?"

"Oh yes, we left it in a box in the church" says my dad with a tight grin. They raise the barrier and the car pulls away from the curb. "...clearly marked RUBBISH..."

That's a dad joke.

"Do you know what the most wonderful place in the world is? it's a bacon factory. Coz it's where dead pigs go to be cured!"

This was a paternal fave, as was "Every little bit helps, said the old lady as she peed in the sea."

yes

doubt it

actually that's more of an "nuncle whose not really nuncle" remark.

she says "I never joke". And she means it.

can't remember the jokes but my 1x chicago friend kept accusing me of dad jokes - possibly just because they were like the jokes her dad would make, according to her.

Oh wait! I have remembered one of my mum's jokes.

Dad joke: (when not to do with him having just farted) hard to say...my Dad's favourite jokes seem to be ones where he winds people up or mocks them. Tho the other day there was a centipede on the kitchen wall, and my mum asked me to get rid of it. And so I got some tissue and threw it in the bin and my Dad was walking in and said

"Ah the poor little thing".

For some reason I actually split myself laughing at this.

Or he used to often say, in exasperation at something stupid, "Dick Mackessy wouldn't do that!" in reference to some guy he grew up with who must have been an unholy retard in the village or something. I swear he's turned in his grave a few million times.

arrggh, this is G.'s favorite thing ever. When I complain about his constant making fun of me he says he's just "breaking my balls." broken, I assure you. He'll be a great dad then.

for e.g. my mum had an Auntie Lal (her real name was Alice but no-one ever used it, I suspect the Lal may have been introdued by a child who couldn't say 'Alice' properly).

Alice's middle name was Rose. Apparently, my mum and her cosuins used to go round saying "Alice Rose sat on a pin. Alice Rose!"

my mum also had an aunt called Constance Norah (say it quickly).

+ anything [else] Eric Morcambe had already said.

god if I was banned from the sandbox I'd end up going round walking on air and saying to random strangers "There are some ppl in the world who think I'm really important! There are some ppl in the world who think I'm really important!"

I've been also been bad in the past for telling terrible Dad jokes. "We call them little trees" being the worst.

i have failed you father!

The epileptic cornshucker shucks between fits.

"That's a knick knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan."

"A train's just been through .... it left its tracks."
"That's the most popular cemetery in town .... folks just dying to get in there."

He swears the dance is the Arthur Murray Swing Step, which apparently is a spastic little shuffle in place while making that tap-dance keep-your-balance arm motion.

Q: what's brown and sticky?
A: a stick

Q: what do you do when you see a spaceman?
A: park in it, man!

i have to admit i generally find dad jokes hilarious

(he's also a used cars salesman)

Meets my girlfriend for the first time and asks what her major in college is. "Women's Studies" she says. "O rly?" he replies [you can see it coming, can't you?] "I STUDIED WOMEN IN COLLEGE, TOO!"

"duck!"
"quack quack!"

"what? the sign said "stop ahead.'"

"let's shed some light on the situation."

my mum always told a joke about Tarzan, sunglasses and elephants but i've forgotten it.

'Oh right, is she foreign or something.'

I didn't understand sarcasm at that point, but I soon had to learn.

"Sofa, so good!"

Mam: I was at Frank's funeral yesterday.
Me: Oh no, did Frank die?
Dad: Well, I hope he did. They buried him.

Paul McCartney is so rich he bought Heather Mills a plane for her birthday...

And for the other leg a Babyliss Ladyshave (sic).

thing is, Molly, *that* one is assured a certain immortality as it has found its way onto greetings cards, at least over here, with the added twist that the frog is called Ribbut Jagger and he tells the teller his Dad is Mick Jagger so it's

"That's a knick knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

"You mean Paul McCartney was in a group BEFORE WINGS?!!"

that was like '81 or '82 era dad "joke."

but the joke was on him. i was very aware—probably from birth—of the beatles. wings, not so much.

The Rotary Club asked a minister to come and talk to them about sex. The minister had never talked about sex before an audience and he was embarrassed, so he told his wife he was going to talk about boating. A couple days later, a Rotarian bumped into the minister's wife and he said, "Your husband gave a wonderful talk at the Rotary Club." She said, "You know, I'm really surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time, he was sick. The second time, his hat blew off."

I remember one of the first jokes my dad ever told me. It contained a racist term that he had to explain to me, and it still wasn't that funny.

-- DavidM (goodway...)

i do this one too

"Have you got the money?"

oh zing on your 7 year old. :/

yes.

that's not a Dad joke it's a teacher joke!

I think it's more because when you're seven, your dad's jokes are genuinely funny, and then, when you're about 25, the endless repetition of them starts to be funny, especially if you've moved away from home.

Mam: That's somebody's Christmas ruined.
Dad: But I bet the ambulance driver's glad of the overtime.

That's a 'daughter' joke.

xpost "He'll never ssell any ice creams going at that speed"

That's an Eric Morecambe joke.

My favourite Dad gag was "What's ET short for? Coz he's only got wee tiny legs!"

He does the "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" one too often.

(IME this joke only ever occurs at dusk, when studious kid is doing homework in rapidly failing light and not noticing that the room has become dark - enter dad)

xpost the second on is k-classic; third one I have no idea what the joke is

Doesn't really work in print (or a meringue = or am I wrang, wrang = wrong in Scottish).

No, to classrooms which have no lights on in them, which are bright enough for people to see by, but perhaps not bright enough for effective studying. Kids file into the classroom but do not turn on the light, because they are kids. Teacher follows them and turns on the light, and makes the hilarious joke.

Cuts slice of cake. Lifts the big bit onto his plate, leaving the slice behind.

Eats enormous dinner. "Well, that was very nice. What's for main course?"

Grandad also swapped Nanna's knife and fork over before each meal for about the first 20 years of their marriage and was known, on occasion, to put mustard on the back of one of the kids' dessert spoons.

he actually carried this out in the real world? kudos

My wife's uncle does that. His other favourite is giving the kids a yoghurt/mousse/ice-cream pot and a HUGE serving spoon that doesn't fit in the pot and laughing at them trying to feed themselves. He also has a fake jaffa cake in his biscuit barrel.

This is bordering on the practical joke. Which I hate like poison.

I miss my grandad so much.

"Which would you rather have, this single 50p coin or this giant handful of pennies? GOSH, you are a clever girl." Wheezy giggle.

(x-p) And the stealing nose thing, yes.

*holds yr hand*

"yr going to live a long life and be very rich and buy a big house with a huge garden and in the garden you'll have a swimming pool"

*spits in hand*

Singing old-fashioned tenor-style songs around the house at top volume was another favourite.

-- PPlains (pleasant.plain...), February 19th, 2007. (PPlains) (later) (link)

Yeah, my dad totally does this all the time. Usually, it's done as a double take. He looks at the check briefly as he's getting his wallet out, no reaction, and then his eyes go back to the check in mock-horror.

OK. I do this. A lot. Aaargh, I am my dad.

what did the brassiere say to the hat?

you go on ahead, i'll give these two a lift!

*bow*

He came by the other day, I saw him staring at my cd collection, taking good note of it. A a few days later, while on a random topic of messy households (what can I say...), I tell him I really made a lot of room in my house, what with cleaning up and all. He says: "Ahh, you moved your cd somewhere else?" That's a dad's joke to me.

Same with books. "A book? You don't want that! Why would you want a book?! You already have a book!"

(loving this thread btw)

This one for me, too. I still love it.

Repeated every Christmas for the rest of life.

Or, opens tiny corner of wrapping paper, enough to see what the present is, then says "thanks" and puts it aside. Hilarity!

I sincerely hope you've been giving her the same bottle of Yardley since 1980, in that case.

Someone in our extended family once gave my mother the free gift she got with a Lancome purchase as her Christmas present. How did she think my mother would not suss this?

My mum seems to be responsible for the dad gags in my house. She can't say the word "lettuce" without following it with the word "pray". She can't say the word "beetroot" without affecting a comedy glottal-stopped accent and following it with "from Wai'rose". I love her for it.

The only joke i can remember my dad saying involves a bad irish accent and the punchline "If i was going there, I wouldn't be starting here!"