make up some fake, inscrutable adages and post them here

all cats are asshole cats

thirteen cherries do not a virgin make

the rich man sees eggs where the poor man sees hamburgers

the lighthouse of the soul is the agony of the moment

a candle that does not flicker cannot be trusted

introspectacles require no prescription

eyelashes are the sprokets of the face

dreams are as light as meringues and as heavy as lead

romance is to tungsten as opportunity is to halogen

http://bandmelectricinc.com/images/Light_Bulb_Smiling_flip.JPG

one may sit on a floor, but only a fool stands on a table

the wise woman does not count her warts until dawn

a mouse walks softly in the cathedral

a heavy heart is like a leaky colostomy bag

seven asses braying is a ruined month

I saw this one in an old newspaper cartoon:

Yes You Can't

fists taste the world's tears, but never swallow

triple penetration - gayer than double penetration

Bíonn chuile dhuine lách go dtéann bó ina gharraí.

the floor of one man's heart is the ceiling of another's kitchen

balancing a tulip on a knife's edge

where kind words leave no mark ironshod boots are useless

savor the reed of the bleating sax

the want of a window cures the house of misery

where a family prey they will stoop

to an old goose all fresh eggs are dubious

woe betide the fool who courts the woman with ashen cheeks

a wednesday bride will never want for clothes pegs

strike a man and you will soon see his kettle

only a straight road hides oncoming tractors

the lonely taverner and the cannibal are seperated only by the width of an axe

the cantankerous man will never find satisfaction in the ostrich egg lay-by of the full moon of Pisces

The more shoes, the greater the walking

the long road turns twice for the hedgehog

a badly intonated piano is no better than a wet towel flung at a speeding pensioner at midnight

never a wink in the eye of a donkey.

the third wheel makes the wheelbarrow

every thyme thy counteth magpies, thy parsley increaseth

when the milkmaid's away, the cows speculate

going east on a cross-eyed yak

A head full of plans is like strong cheese to a blind man

no amount of remorse will make a cheese roll uphill

a man with a turkey will never go wanting

three bells ringing is worry to a bogsnorkler

a fell road that covers no heath.

a menstrual jewess is a treasure in Rome

an extinguished pipe contains no more wisdom than a damp twig being thrown at the moon

north winds bring undecidedness to the child

The sparrow tied to the branch knows only whence the wind comes

who eats on a feastday angers the tinker

neither rose nor lily shall tithe the dawn

no good ever came from a fart in a shoebox

A bottle for a bean, a petal for a queen

two issues behind in the Times

thine pendulous appendages impresseth not the shanty town beagle watching turkey of Eastbourne

A child thrice blessed with Asphodel never needst fear for shadows at the witching hour

a king can look at a cat

never tarry twixt shop and Harry

you can love a blind man

Accept ye not transport from robéd men leading badgers.

fashion makes pants

Does take but a moment of time
to marinade the fealty of line

you can't have your ache and treat it

who builds his house on sand
best plan for visitors

Remember, lest thou wanteth trouble,
that double bubble rubble gubble

as from resoluteness springs incontinence, so from excess orderliness follows hemorrhoids.

five gundams for no one

all yoghurt need not curdle

The velvet sprouts of dawn do not revel in their chocolateyness, for they have formed the trifecta of the diptych

there can be no peace at home where the horse goes unmilked

As regrettable as a cock-snipe

a wise man without olfactory senses
knows no nose

bowl a spare on thursday
carve a coffin for sunday

grouse not in times shapeless

you can't spell sanctimonious without emu

ratchet a bagel box goblin daily

a man may feast on three pineapples

spell Japan slowly

giraffe penises may be long, but they do not scrape across the ground

that thou thought this thou thought

do not pine after ground beef

an armadillo may request a tribunal, but a poor man cannot gargle eels without a license

A knapsack full of starlings may make a fine breakfast, but the wind will be whistling in the chimney come eventide

More confounding than a bag in a bag in a bag

tea and a rouble
spell trouble

that's the best so far

the cricket bat may go un-oiled, regardless of whether the captain pipes the accountant to the shore

Badmitton to the pensive; poker to the pious.

a fowler may foul and err, but a baker cannot bake and r

there are always pros and cons to dancing

I like, this food

in the red door, out the green door

Keep your pen full of ink when the hatman comes calling

one can never have too many missed chances

hello, how are you

A life full of melodies is a life full of ants.

go where it is

is as does

never please a thanks

the petals of a flower fall slowly

just, for one second, just

Only a well-oiled marionette can beg.

the man of many words
knows not how to count the letters

Women who fly upside down, crack up.

An ugly man must tile his own bathroom

despite the season, a dorito underfoot crumbles

Stinkbugs on Wednesday, bats on Saturday.

dawn heralds a mist, sunset heralds an abyss

Penelope, I'm calling you out. That's a dad joke.

cold winds blow harsh, even upon the upturned hands of the scrap metal dealer

read the byline at your own peril

It is not commensurate to eviscerate the inscrutable polymath

If you grow a heart that can frolic with the best of them

he who hears everything only hears himself

The winds of aegis will time the tides.

A man walking down the street may ask me, have you heard the news? Have you heard the news he may ask. In response your lips may move. In response your feet may clatter. A din. There may be a din. Have you heard the news a man may ask.

an accelerating fart does not brake wind

never leave the floor

there's never time for a tomcat

When you wake always remember what has been disheveled may be responsible

Damn

can a word be spelled?

where the it is he must there be a time

vanity makes a VAN out of I and TY.

spoiled milk makes the best spoiled cheese

all the shirts in the world will not clothe a needless promise

keys are pens in exile

the gaze of a jaundiced eye moves mountains

all the shirts in the world will not clothe a needless promise

― ledge, Thursday, December 1, 2011 12:21 AM (23 seconds ago) Bookmark Permalink

and all the pants may be stained

cast ne'er a spell 'til June is fell.

There is no such thing as a favorite color

as agile as a snake, as fragile as a cake

a good cup of tea is nice.

pick the best lock

politeness is the king of democracy

pass the Duchy of Cornwall on the left hand side

Always run conceptually

pluck a lie if you see one

That which not is can never be

children are grown, not green

she who darns with gold
cannot expect snow

Tarry not when passing wassail, nor crossing ley-leaning hummocks

sleep, o banana, bop eels.

Only stretch before your next step when your next step is a stretch

A bedded ewe wants not the touch of an Irishman

sleeping with the same zen guru and expecting enlightenment

In everything, you're Michael Winner.

live with a man six days
before you call him tony

lol

he who walks cannot avoid walking

there is a star

three balls on a scarecrow
to fill the pantry

post when the water does

that which follows, moves

Behind every jouncing buggy come a rolling pumpkin.

it's okay when you are tired

there's more than one ox in the ocean

na na na na na na na na

batman

art knows no flavor, love knows no odor

the sky changes twice a day
but a cushion is a cushion always

a wheel with six spokes is a hole with six edges

grow up, but grow up

truth is beauty, beauty truth
but obviously that's only from the point of view of the individual really

only some things can be given

the best way to pluck a chicken couldn't pluck a mountain

hard cases make bad backs

ask not for whom the booth tolls

no sandbox is an island unless it has a palm tree and one or two castaways in it

knit a lie, darn a request

all short and curlies were once long and straight

the bald man never wants for a babushka

units of time are developed, followed like breasts can be sometimes I guess

hear your voice of treason

a man without friends is a stew without oranges

never forget that there may exist a thing

every Mona Lisa starts as a doodle.

when the fern blossoms, free it

one cat for companionship
two cats for more cats

mismatched socks are the devil's fruitcake

no cinnamon is innocent of perjury

seven angels and a shotgun
will quieten a convent

cut grass won't go back together, like wishes

is he who is alone really a child

stick your elbow where they least expect

you can sand paper, but you can't change 'would'

Have you heard the news the man asks. He keeps asking, have you heard the news? You may have. You may have heard the news. You say it. You say the news. You always say the news. All you say is the news. Have you heard the news he will ask. Have you Heard the news.No I have not heard the news, you will never say. You will. You will never. You may. Hear news. The man asks. Ask.

qua qua qua qua

no news is the man asks the news

beckett pervades all

Emotion rhymes with seaocean

in death alone do we dream.

only those who wish to be bound wish to be bound by wishes

where italian chef knows not his father
nil illigitemi carbonara

no symbols where none intended

a blind man's as good as an ox to a drunk hag.

the last honest man will probably not be able to help you out of a jam

three oxes equals five blind men, as far as the news is concerned

the table is the table

a log floats on all rivers

the table is the table

^^^

who among us can escape?

me & flatmate use this one all the time - "a cucumber is just a cucumber"

A man, when misheard, may ask "Have you heard the shoes"

see to the log in your own eye, it is worth two in a neighbour's bush

twice buckled jeans do not come off twice as slow

one who sees truly cannot help but to so do also

pictures of happiness won't cover gravy stains

Add numbers. Subtract letters.

a cat may crouch

a man finding wisdom on top of the mountain
must still find his way to the bottom

who left the damn door open

a beacon, a yardstick for my own

One from the top, and the rest from wherever you like, please.

A letter in the post beats burnt toast.

cum not lest ye become

How many words is a picture worth
when cut in half
and then put back together
with the half of another picture
and then that new picture
the newly formed picture
that new picture is forgotten

In our youth, we often think we are goats.

slow soft speech is the hallmark of the amateur executioner

three elephants wearing silver
weigh as much as honesty

The spitting image of god in the shine of the bald man's noggin

Three in fear and a devil's near.

beans beans the magical fruit, if you believe in yourself

a light tread often masks an inferior brand of tyre

Tell me a number and I will tell you a song

roof slates but water rates

a man who knows the world
can sing only laments
the callow youth
drinks from the bottle

a wheel made of stone shall never ascend dead man's hill

he who scoffs at nothing
attends not a viking feast

a gelt minotaur poses a threat only to the false president

Need not use for the news. Need not news. When asked by the man. Have you heard the news. Have you heard the news. Hear the news. But need not it. Need not senses for the news, for the man, for the shoes, if misheard. If the question is misheard, need not what is misheard. Correct not what is misheard when understood as misheard if what is misheard is the question Have you heard the news. If asked by the man.

he who never made a mistake
was deeply unpopular among his peers

nightshade and rosehip, nicotine and wine.

my bologna has a first name, it's hope

oregano, oregano, location

wear shoes to a burial
but hats are for cremations

jizz on your father, weather's a bother
jizz on your mater, fair skies await 'er

Never have a grandpa

even god made cockroaches
just sayin

only wear shoes if you are prepared for some asshole to start talking to you about the goddamn news like anything even happens anywhere worth knowing about, sailor's delight

is it the milk that spoils? or is it the moon?

red sky at night, sailor's delight
red guy sky at morning, sailor's gang bang

Only discover what is there

many a sweet poon
was splayed on an old piddle

Wear jelly bracelets, your mom's a fucking racist.

red sky at night, shepherd's pie

your mom's fucking a racist, corn be ready soon

silken pillows lead to weeping willows.

the head on a needle
can't do the macarena

Wonder where the women are, wonder what they may have to say, as you mishear the man, and express you distaste for the blues. The blues as a musical genre. Express distaste for the blues as you wonder about the women on this path you are on, in this town. As you wonder about the strength of you hearing, and what it has become. Only wonder about women as you express you distaste for the blues. Yes I have heard it. You say. I care for for it. You say.

*widows xxp

you can't put OAP's
into an OACAN

rhyming adages, rotten cabbages

Lie to the man who asks for the news, when misheard.

the man who tends his fences
will never understand complex metaphors

if life gives you Ezra Pound, make him a pound cake and hope he goes away

a gift of pickled herring foretells no evil, lest it be delivered in a tube

give a man a ski, and he will be happy for a day. teach a man to ski, and he will be happy for a year.

You can't sleep with a chicken and expect eggs for breakfast

Think to yourself, if a man was typing about this kind of shit for too long on a keyboard, if a man was typing about someone asking about the news on a crashed forum extra site thing, when someone asks about the news, and, think to yourself, if the man was typing about you, wonder to yourself how the man must feel making typos.

in the kingdom of the blinds, the "V2G for VELUX® windows" is king

there are no typos, only shitty words

Go away after you post

you can't hug your children with crab legs

heed ye well that whatsoever you do post into the world shall return threefold in the form of really miserable diarrhea

sail nary a nacho through the cheddar seas

Of all the things lost in our youth, underage drinking

an ox in the barn is worth two at the plow

arthritis comes to those who wait.

Early to bed
early to sleep
makes a man healthy
wealth and Greek

you really only get one chance to make out with high schoolers

late periods
make early wrinkles

With closed eyes, never see, the song, of the ice cream truck

one cannot survive
where quarter has not been given

There's many a drowned rat that passes for a weasel.

when a foot speaks
put a sock in it

There's many a weasel that passes for Tim Curry

slow cooked shoulder can go on the back burner

keep sheep with goats
pour encourager les autres

the worst you can expect is often the best someone else plans on offering you so fuck 'em

put spikes on your cats as a warning to others

he who's kissed the blarney stone
talks naught but shite when he gets home

the last laugh is often a death cackle

Nobody lies who hasn't stood.

when the boot is other foot
hop you fucker hop

a good samaritan is a mediocre sumerian

all sugar corrupts
absolute sugar corrupts abcess-toothly

the auctioneer breeds envy; the driver breeds regret

those who sleep with turtles wake up with displeasure

if shadows had shadows and mirrors had ears, it would look an awful lot like you

a man, a plan, a canal, a ram, a sam, a nam, anal

save the third kiss for the freshest spring

there are no cookies in space

tits on a bull
still swing the butcher's scales

Don't underestimate a nun with a yardstick or a priest with a protractor

The toad in his hole sees more than the mole in broad day.

Micturation is the answer.

By candle light a goat looks like a goat.

we learn from moses
but absorb from osmosis

there are no cheat codes in the game of life

CaptainBurlapSax, Get Real.

wolves lacan where foxes fear to see

?

a fever is a gift for a baker

you can only change if you want to jazzercise

it takes two to tangle, but knot with a partner

A bottle of brine is the handsome man's despair

of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, you walk into yours

Drummers come and go but saxophonists go with the flow

Confucius say: Man with banana in pocket will win the ball game

One dog goes one way and the other goes the other way. And this guy's saying, "Whaddya want from me?"

On the internet, nobody knows you're an adage.

you can't break a dime if you can hardly target a garden

evergreens only fall when autumn golems swallow

newspapers tell stories, but storytellers rely on instinct

i'm really trying to play up the inscrutable angle, sorry

co-ed naked volleyball

apostrophes are the devil's tears

co-ed naked volleyball

― Z S, Thursday, December 1, 2011 4:01 AM (59 seconds ago) Bookmark Permalink

it is always 4:43 when the time runs out

You know what guys I feel like Tuomas's thread of Finnish idioms did this better than I could ever hope for.

what Tuomas doesn't know won't hurt you

Elvis was never fat. Elvis, was never fat.

Sweet to the tired is bitter to the rested.

that's far too scrutable, forksy-come-lately

i dunno how it could be; i don't know what it means!

Come to think of it, that might indicate that I am tired.

how about:
The river seeks its own water.
Four out of five nickles are only pennies.
A broken twig never gave away an innocent man.
There's a place in heaven for everyone, but hell is open to all.

Unfortunately, some of my adages are more scrutable than not. It can be fun writing adages that aren't entirely random. It can be fun writing a scrutable adage with faulty pearls of stupidity because people will doubt their own interpretation for a more favorable, inscrutable interpretation - something with the possibility of having pearls of wisdom

faulty

only a churl explicates his own muddied struggle for wisdom

There is no such thing as a mistake in ceramics class

Only a baby will shake a leg for the fog man prophesies

it's a rare scratch can't be fair itched by a blair witch

every cowboy was a cowman once

The meticulous man is the tabbouleh on the meze table of life.

winner winner sheen dinner

Don't discriminate, inseminate

Hanging your soul from a telephone pole

the worst you can expect is often the best someone else plans on offering you so fuck 'em

― silby, Thursday, 1 December 2011 01:12 (8 hours ago) Bookmark Permalink

I resisted, but: That's the winner.

Holding out for a better looking, one-legged stripper

Staying young while working for a union is like paying for dental work under the table

the head of a chicken often hid the heart of a biologist

Any time is plenty time.

Pendulums swing but prisms refract.

when life gives you lemons, make time

It's better to break horses than to gallop aimlessly

three sure things in life
pain, death and carrots

please don't talk about baseball

possibility is a crane of deceit

a prussian in the russian embassy
minds his p's and queues

it is always 4:43 when the time runs out

Only if the team is behind. It just means the keeper has come out for the last corner.

^ clever

Ain't no train can train a train

A melon's always mighty til it's in the patch.

every time a pony smiles, a beetle gets its sun chips

Wear your glasses too tight, roll over all night.

The world does not need a stricter teabag.

Sounds to me like a case of the bird calling the beetle a bull.

What use is a sideways wheel to a sleigh hound in summer?

Coffee before you get 8on the bus will make you want to piss and cuss.

uh "get on". also realize that was probably too scrutable for this thread.

there ain't no funk without a mess of business

the salad needs to stay on the fork.

snow that falls on the heights is doomed to sigh at the torrents

chicken pox before nine, you're doing fine!

the last cat is still envied by the first estate

Consider your friends as a farmer considers the hedgerows

seven on a bench makes light the sitting

early to sleep, early to beep-beep

count not the peasants in the meadow, but rather the number of holes in their shoes

even colanders sometimes want for advice!

a cauliflower may be as a bedpost to a junebug, just as a widow loathes deer ticks

a pharmacy what never closeth is like a paintstall in April rain

marking one's words is sure to bring trouble, brief though it may be. marking one's words twice, however, is utmost folly

a chambermaid is never satisfied until last night's tales are recounted. a chamberpot is never satisfied until last night's ales are recanted.

what comes between men and valleys is best saved for a winter's long walk

much wisdom be wise, yet wiser still is the man who can hurl a dreidel to Tipperary

in the marketplace of ideas, it's often the smallest gnu which registers the first objection

if pornography were baseball, then umpires would be blind to all balks

when desperation sets in, a pile of dusty handkerchiefs surpass a repast of luncheon meat

he who spites his enemy is like a cheesecloth which has never befriended curds

When all signs point to yes, the body says no

when has a man ever said, "oh, if it weren't for my foot then Rome might answer to me"?

between time and a buyer's market, better to halve one's horse carriage

every widow has a granary, but not every newlywed once trod in quicksand

When reading a book don't flip the page too soon; the book reads you too

show me a rose and I'll show you a girl named Sam

A loving man will desire losing, a loving woman will desire chocolate

every deck of cards may be filed down, but not every gambler is a prince!

advice may be easily whispered to a pugilist, but in reality is best saved for his tailor

If you want to catch birds, slam a stick into a bush

shopping chastens the man who loveth to spackle

fair ladies are like coupons for Burger King, often portenting a ring in the alcove

many is the heart which pineth after a Dove Bar, few are the chocolateers willing to suck soap

when a man visits your house clutching a jar of Vlasic Pickles to his bosom, best to burn any unsorted laundry posthaste

when your Rice-a-Roni begins to boil, consider a move to Detroit

a man without slippers may lie contentedly forever. a man without a subscription to Vanity Fair will fail to elicit hugs even from his undertaker

a Belorussian playing football is like a pagan turning water into Gatorade; only the gnashing of teeth can follow

when in the vicinity of a Wendy's Restaurant, best to pocket one's sherbet

why pine for McDonald's french fries, when there are children in El Dorado with no 7-11 Taquitos?

in the event of Pomeranians, best to urinate outside of a Motel 6

there are two virtues to defecating in a Sbarro's pizza. neither of them involve anchovies

counting tampons before menstruating is like petting an igloo during a heat wave-- neither will fatten your wallet or bring gladness to your heart

there are only three things that would-be bartenders love more than promotional coasters-- upended swizzle sticks, henna tattoos and the Delaware state lottery

if you meet an Udmurt on the way to the carwash, best to put down one's fruit basket and undo one's buttons

15 years ago the swiftest road to misery was living in a luxury apt. building employing a concierge who moonlights as a Jay Leon impersonator. nowadays it is having Arsenio Hall as your houseguest for a month

Scattered are the remants of tuesday's ghost

Until you beat your chest to the rhythm of the snow queen don't shave your legs

ran adrift the reign of Thunder Balls

if you haven't been in a magazine, then you can't tell me anything about the law

Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground
Where an old man of Aran goes around and around
And his mind is a beacon in the veil of the night
For a strange kind of fashion there's a wrong and a right
But he'll never, never fight over you

Ears are windows to the heart.

Whipping shitties in the field is sure to grow next autumn's yield.

you can't read the leaves in a teabag